xcftvgybhunijmok9876cxazc

not too sure if I can & want to come to TO. we'll see

cd

i ordered this cd from Redding and I love it!!! There's something in me that stirs to know more about 'Him' through music and actually get into deeper practice? or times with him through my guitar. -I really wanna know what love is. I WANT MORE! I nEED more, so much more than what I known.

ONe of my favorite songs is in that cd too and tis -how he loves. Just so makes me want to cry out to Him and only him...

I want to create an atmosphere where his kingdom comes and heals and restores all that was ever stolen. I want to create music and get swept away by Him... that is my dream right now.

5:00

couldn't believe it was so dark at 5////looked like it was 9 pm.

we're really heading towards winter season. living in the single digits now.

alone & random thoughts

O how I love to be alone once in a while. Being totally alone somehow gives me more sanity. Perhaps I just needed other peeps around me, but I haven't gone out much. Glass of wine, music in the background, writing and being alone.... what more can I ask? It feels as if I am regenerated...is there such a thing? I think so.

It feels interesting to live back in the community with my parents. I didn't think I would come back to live in the community of my indians...my kind of people. I know it is only temporary. There is much I see and much I don't want to see and know, but I am surrounded by these things and by certain people. I don't want to be critical and it is a struggle at times to love everything about my kind. But I am learning to accept somethings I cannot change. As long as I don't say anything negative... I should be fine.

Hung out with my dad yesterday. It was nice to walk around with him. Shopping, eating and listening to music on our way to town & driving away.
Mom is out ministering to people further north from where I live, roughly 10 hours away. Quebec is quite big I must say.

I was thinking yesterday, not out of self pity, but just out of purely letting go of my dreams for now and see what happens in the future. What would happen if I gave up on California or Orangeville or Toronto and school? What if I just let all that go? Perhaps that is what is making me not appreciate everything around me here. Of course I cannot have all the luxuries that I used to get in the city, that's for sure. Maybe I can try forgetting my past life....Impossible.... I live in such a foreign place/land and I try to think what are the similarities from where I have been in the last few years of my life? I see that I have changed, so much that I can recall what I was like back then and how I used to be and how I used to live and to see that in others....hmmmmm.
I need to balance and mix with what I learned in the past couple years of my life and apply it here in a healthy balance. I don't want to offend others. I do want to respect my indianess and all and at times, it just leaves me with questions that I don't even feel like talking them through,.....cause obviously no one would really get me. Anyhooop, I'm sure I will get my way around. Give me patience God.

It's getting late and I guess I should go and get ready for rest and monday!! I love my work...That I am certain of!

sun

we had blues skies today, but i had to stay in n work inside the building.

where did u go? seems like its been a while..... .;'][;'/.m,./][p';.//.[poiuytrdghjioplmkknh80oplkuygtrexcfvgbhnjm23456yujbvcxcvio
';l''

action

seems like there's not a whole lota action going on around here. Need someone to stir up some things to do and what not. It can be very easy to fall into selfish living and that is what I am struggling at the moment.

monday

was nice to have another day of somewhat rest. Went to hunt with mom n dad but got nthing but a rabbit. The clouds seem to cover the blue sky today and I missed Toronto today. I dont like weathers like this. Makes me want to be else where, but i cant and I guess thats fine... by the way ...my dad actually killed a moose on Friday. It was quite exciting!!! It's a huge blessing.

im kinda hungry now and I wish i had a bowl of cereal but my parents have visitors and I cant be bothered to present myself in a decent manner. that kinda sounds funny.

I miss TO.

Fall

Season of Fall has finally really hit home. The trees are naked, clothing on the ground, but we wear our own. Guess it's time for something really new. I have new clothes, but I want more to life. I think I have to go on a journey now...to a place I've not discovered yet.

I learned this morning that when a moose is in heat...I dunno if you can say that or is it just for cats, but anyway....what he does is he looks for the female pee/urine...I guess he would smell it around the bushes and eats of it when he finds it. I was a bit disturbed by it, but I guess it's completely normal in the eyes of the Creator. Strange.... But I dont know what he does after he finds it though....I didnt get the chance to ask as I was too intringued by that fact. Anyway, mom and dad are gone to hunt but not totally going for it. Just casually hunting I guess, not fully geared is what I mean.
My dad killed a couple moose with his friend while we were in the CITY. :) So I had some this week. T'was good indeed. If I had a freezer in my car, I would send some to my white peeps, but I dont.

Praise the Lord it's not cold out there yet. We had sun this week!!! might be 17 outside...
O listen to this thing I learned again... My mom told me to get dad's check at the band office. for what? I wondered to myself... I found out that it's from hydro quebec who helps us pay electricity! how random is that??? We....well they, every house hold gets a check. If I had my own house I would get one too!! Sounds cool, but I do not plan on building my home yet, maybe not until I retire.
I wonder if I would want to live in the bushes or the city when I get old..... I think I would still love Starbucks and shopping for my grandchildren and go see a movie on Tuesday nights and travel in and out of the country. Hmm I need an airport nearby. That was easy. City it is!!

I gotta go back to work now!! :)

miniblog...undone

Here I am back in the north….protecting youths as Sarah Dalley would say. There’s a bit of a mist in the air here in Mistissini and looks gloomy out there. I almost feel gloomy, but not a lot, just about 7.9 percent. I am glad to be back home and back to work. However I do not have work to do at the moment, but replacing the secretary for the morning. It looks like it was a quiet week last week while I was away. Ptl.

My New Life

...........in Mistissini

It has its surprises from time to time.

I find that more and more I am getting to like it again...living in a Cree community. Living in 'white' community has always been a huge blessing and now the shock of not having a white friend is over, I can live here another few months here with my Indian peeps in the true white or green north. Actually, it's not that I don't have white friends, but missing the great friendships that I had for 2 years. it took a few weeks to adjust and know that I will not have the life I had back in TO with all the wonderful great things that were fun and accessible and the friends of course . The transition is over and now I am getting to love the feeling of settling in and having somewhat of a routine, who knows maybe I'll move south or to the west coast once I am done my time here.

I am a full time worker now and I have been very blessed with that. I love where I work. I know I will probably face some challenges, but it is ok and even better for me in the future. There is a promise for me that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", so I should be doing good as I have many helpers here on earth as well from heaven. Although 9 - 5 was not my deal or kind of living, at the present moment...I am not minding it at all.

I've also been teaching some life changing teachings to women this week and to see my papa show up feels very exciting knowing he is doing the work. And all I have to do is speak out his truth. I will be doing another 2 sessions with them again next week, so that will be fun and I look forward to what more papa will do for us all. I love it when we give him time and day to let him move in us, in our hearts because He does change our hearts in the end when we have said yes to him.

Two things I learned during my time here since I been home and it hasn't been a month yet. One, take time to process and accept the (difficult) time of transition and two, take the initiative -do something. I was sad the first couple weeks to be honest, but I had the choice to stay in it for a few more weeks or month?? I was actually bored as well because I made my life boring here. I didn't do anything to make things change.

So one Sunday I went to church and I felt it during the week....that I ...needed to do something. Because all along I was basically living for me, myself & I!! So in one announcement at the Baptist church, they needed volunteers for the awana nite for kids and so I was excited for that because I can do something on a Tuesday than just do my own thing at home. I can have a routine...wow..listen to me now...I want a routine, but not the kind that sticks for a long rigid time.... Flexiblility is still my way of moving, but I want to be out there and involved in my community in the small things because that is probably where there I may influence someone in a possitive way. wow....another change...hmmm... I was used to be afraid of influencing people around me thinking I had such a bad streak, but I don't. hmmm..how cool is that? anyway....

I felt a change one afternoon, a sudden one and I think it was because I was embracing change and wanted to do something other than what I did at home. That's when things began to roll. Now I must rock on out!!!

I am indeed blessed!

Blessed where ever I am and wherever I go. I must be so loved...Indeed I am!!!

home alone

wow....kinda feels nice to be home alone...having so much space. what do I do with all these space. I love it though. I can do what I want and be 'me' as well.

Kinda weird to say that, but I know I have not been really me....a lil afraid that no one will understand me..the new me....in a way i want to be the one I was known for..just so it is more familiar and easy to get along with..But that isn't right.
I guess I have to take a risk and see how things will go and turn out..... Maybe in the meantime, I can practice it...

How I miss being with friends and be crazy. I can't really do that as I don't have a lot in common with most people. My friends have their own world. So how do I begin to engage? feels a bit more tougher with my kinda peeps than it is with white folks. I miss them dearly beloved white folks of mine. all my love to thee. xo

long weekend

So, what can you do up in the freezing north? ok, maybe I am exagerating, but you have to understand that I was in California where it never was chily. I still miss California..the people, the place, basically just about everything. It's my sister in laws birthday nite and having a glass of wine and the rest of the gang was playing poker...they tried to teach me, but i couldn't be bothered to learn. I just don't get and it's just one too many numbers. My younger brother is here for the weekend and it's been a ball since he's been here.
We have no plans for this weekend, but as far as I know we are staying put. I was hoping to leave, but I am still in the process of paying bills.
Hmmmm...life is interesting here. I've worked 2 weeks now and i have one more week to go and I will probably work another 2 weeks.
Anyway, I;m kinda boring right now, just now because I have not done anything different in my life. I need to be more creative and take the initiative...when it comes to doing stuff.
I guess I could or should work on my many sermons that are going on in my mind!! Anyway "I gots to go, cause I got nothing against them Indians".

wireless exists

It does exist in the north. I am borrowing it from my neighbors at the moment until we get it on monday. love my lil black mac Abe to get the wireless and have me connected to the rest of the world. However, I have to open my window to get it. But that is fine by me. It's nice. I'm in my room alone and mom n dad are gone and its just plain quiet and I'm sittin on a garbage bin and my suitcase is my desk with the window open. cant complain!

update? i think it's about time

I am finally home again! It feels cool I think. I am already working, and that feels funny. I still haven't decided which room to take in this house. I'm having good meals everyday and I'm enjoying that. feels like I'm still moving. I may need some time to process stuff or not....do I work like that? I dunno, haven't really gone into that..next month I get to preach at a women's retreat and that is quite exciting! I've unpacked and have two rooms and i have to decide where Im going to settle. Either way i feel like I won't be here for long and want to please my dad for making the rooms upstairs for me and my brother. But downstairs feels like I have my own appartment, but I am more drawn to go upstairs as my dad specifically made that one room for me. Its got a huge closet and i think i could fill it up. I realised I dont have much clothing, funny enough....
I will have to go to TO and shop for fall clothing! miss my store... g2g now

my friends

I miss all my close sgl friends.....love you Ayshka & Sam xoxoxoxox. Love them all.....really precious indeed :(

coming home

leaving a place I called 'home' to a place i called home, but dont really have a home of my own..yet! where should I live now? somewhere beautiful I'm sure

California

Today is my last hour in California state. We'll be leaving soon to head home. It's been a fantastic month and I loved every bit of it even the questionable times and just being here with Sam and the team has been a real treat. I met people I have grown to love and I have a hard time leaving these precious loved ones of mine. I didn't think this place could give me such a huge impact on me and to know what papa's has been doin in my heart, just makes me want to get closer and closer to him, so I can hear exactly what to do and say when he moves and speaks. Many times I am not aware that he speaks through me. I am really blessed. Everwhere we went this month, all I could think of is his kindness, love, joy, struggles here and there, but his faithfulness always proved him perfect. I love my dad!!!

I'm going to miss this place honestly. The people have touched my heart and I hope to see them again in the future. I think I'd love to try it out if it will work out in the future. The girls in the LRM have immensely blessed me and opened my eyes to see and love beyond and be full of love and grace. I seen how great our papa is and how kind he is to everyone and so gentle and loving. All I wanted to do was love more and receive love as well.

It was an incredible experience to have work with the recovery people. It has brought me joy to see them blossom and love life and want to experience more. Even if it took a couple weeks to soften up, we did come to a place of wanting each other's company and be a blessing to one another without even realizing it. God has done much work in my heart and I didn't even become aware of it until one of the girls left the house to live back on the rouh end of life. That was painful and I needed to forgive her and release her and bless her. It was painful and it hurt as well to see the other girls being so hurt by her actions. It was quite the journey. I don't think I have had this experience ever before and to see bits of my prophecy fulfilled about working with addicts has been a real blessing and I would like to experience more. I didn't think I could work with people under those circumstance, but honestly I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength to do it. who knows? maybe I will be working with people as such.....because I have grown to love the broken, the hurting, the unwanted, unloved, rejected..... God is good ....great...so loving!!

I love you papa!!!!
you are indeed fantastic!!

take care or be careful

I learnt that when I try to change a way of saying things or be careful not to make noise, the more I say things in a wrong way and the more noise I make. I found out that once I pray for help, everything I want to say comes out naturally and dont need to stress myself. All I need is to ask plainly what I need and I get it freely. So cool!! That's one revelation!:)

here

I thought I knew how to add more words to my previous blog, but I guess I don't. We just got back from the beach and just showered and now i feel so relaxed and lovin the sun on my face. We went to a river actually and it had a tiny beach and we swam across to get on a rope and swing and jump into the river. It was quite fun and then we went up the stream and climbed up rocks and jumped into some friggin cold water and lil falls .... was quite the nice afternoon!

.;'[]=-`

that was not cree, but just couldnt come up with a good title. this is all i wanted to do.

extreme encounter

well well well... we got back from a wilderness boot camp typa deal but christiany oriented...quite the character builder... i thought to myself at first, this attitude of mine ...ahhh how long will i have to struggle with this???? interestingly when I confessed that to myself and God heard me...I was more disappointed in me...but he heard me and somehow the next day..I was completely changed... I had an open heart to do all that we must do that day.... I didnt think this encounter was going to do much to me but it did...So ya....im weak and he became my strength..I might go in details about this but we'll see how much time I have...meanwhile I will enjoy the summer heat in California.

last nite of holiday

well I should probably be sleepin now, but I will take the most of this..as this is my last free all to myself kinda time...alone in this dark room. Im on a double bed with duvet and down pillows and air conditioning is on... it's so nice. In the next 20 hours I will be back in the dorm with my peeps and the noise..it will be fun...but right now i am enjoying the stillness and quietness of it all. I can hear the birds now..kinda early isn't it? anyway...i think i will try to finish off my movie -bridge to terabithia or something like that...gnite!

headin home

I am goin to Montreal and I dont know if that is home anymore....I want to find out where do I go after school. I do not know what will be, but I just want a home. I want to go a place where I can rest and know I have found my home. I am not like a bird as Nelly would try to convince me sing along with her. where is my home papa?

ahhhh

what a feeling to be in a place where you are just waiting on Cathy to get her hair done. I am sooo glad to be here with her and I'm blessed to just hang out and I seriously don't mind waiting here as I go online and here and there online. The hairdresser is blow drying her hair now. It's looking nice and short. We get to hang out later on and see if I can get something at my favorite store. This place is quite nice and funky a bit. The workers are quite nice and very hospitable. The guy actually gave me the password to get online. How sweet is that? Maybe they have just gotten a new customer..who knows? Maybe if I live here, I'll come here for sure and be blessed by this sweet ummmm.......let me take of you. Yes!! here! I am all yours!! I think I can make a commercial right now.
Anyhoop, I am away from the conference for few hours and gain my posture I guess. I think I may walk like a ministry zombie or something. So I think it's sooo good that I am here and not worry about what to say when I prophecy on stage tonight. Let's just not go there for now.
I heard that think of such things verse is what papa thinks of me. So how lovely it is for me to be downtown because that is a refresher to my soul from time to time. I just had iced caramel macchiato as well before we got here. ahhh sweet memories...
I got more money yesterday from an ol friend from Montreal. My dad told me it was 35 degrees up north and that is crazy. It's more than the weather we have here. Anyway I must go and check more cool stuff online.

this journey

Everyday seems another day of new more interesting discoveries and just so much more to explore and understand and at times not at all have an understanding of what is goin on. I saw a tree being swept to the ground by the wind. How cool is that? Wind you feel, but can't really see its color but you only see it by the way things are blown...to the left to the left....oops that was from beonce. anyway wind is indeed powerful element. can i even say that? I dunno, but it sounds good. I watched Pride & Prejudice last night and it was quite complicated to watch especially for someone like who has no idea about english culture. I only know of community life and prestige is not a thing I know very well. My friends helped me out to understand it, so that was very helpful.
Yea my journey about being a daughter has been interesting..... my mom called me the other day to tell me that she cried n cried because of not knowing what is it like being a daughter....interesting... She had a dad for 8 years and her dad died. It was quite cool, but what was I to say? I was kinda speechless and maybe it was meant to be that way so I wouldnt say more to minister to her spirit...I think, but I could be wrong, but I prayed that God would finish up what he started in her...cool huh??

letting go

I got a larger picture of me today, understood myself of why I am the way I am. I realize why I am so passive and even in my not doing anything, I am still loved. I don't get it, but it's the truth. I judged my dad and so i reap what i sown..... but i have a new vision.. leading a new lifestyle i have bits n pieces i discovered, but now its like chosing to let go family n let god be god n me be me- a daughter. im a daughter.

so

the question was "you don't know how much you're loved, do you?" In my nothingnees & emptiness, there seems an unawareness of feeling loved. When all passion is gone and no interest in love... I wonder why am i on this road? how did i get here? Then in my own mess, I am loved. The wrong turns i made and addictions i have lead me to believe that i need to work my way back home to love. Paddle back and see if i can ride backwards on the same path...that's quite impossible. shall we head home?

hope prevails

there is hope even when all seems to fail. He is our hope.
I been kissed by the son.
these days of intimacy have started.
there is hope.

in class

So one question today in bible class that I may need to journal about. They said if you can see all the faults in your mom and think your dad is a hero, the question to ask is
What are the things that you don’t want to be like your dad? That’s where you find you made a judgment on him.

That hit something close in my heart and gets more hurtful especially knowing about his decision of not coming.... sounds like its goin to be an interesting week.

bummed out

So I found out my parents are not coming for the leaders school and I am so sadenned by that decision. It hurts actually. I'm really sad about it.

I was sooo excited about them and now that I heard they couldn't anymore just breaks my heart.... so much for the excitement, but hey maybe I can pray to God and plead to have them change their minds. Oh God please let it be. Amen.

back in my room

pow wow was a fun loving time for me and my 3 friends. Shaun, Manuel & Hannah were the chosen ones. It was a blast of blessing after blessing. We left at 3 n got in at 8 just in time for his first song. I had to drive quite fast praying that there wouldn't be any police anywhere near me. That was a rare kind of prayer... The whole weekend was a blessing...to see old friends and family and hang out and have my friends know me more at my level being with my kindA PEEPS all over me. It was an honor as well to share my culture with them. And on top of that we went to see Jason Upton so that was such a cool experience especially for Shaun. Manu had good food and lots of it and Hannah bought some cool mocks. I had my mom n dad and the whole clan around me....Now I am back in my room and slowly adjusting to the norm...

return of the ...

well well well, what could I possibly say? I LOVED our minioutreach and it's thanks to papa for giving me such an amazing fun team and Sam was just great and so fun and easy to partner with. I think we balance each other well. From the time we left til the time we came back, it was just so worth it all. I grown a bit I think in the area of prophetic. I just need to practice more on a daily basis because I just seem to use it only when I minister. I may have to write more later on. I need to go to bed now.

off to...

well here comes mini outreach and we are headed to Cumberland beach. We had a well planned schedule but interestingly enough, our contact person told us everything is cancelled for Saturday and I wonder what God could possibly have in mind. I laugh at these things that happen to us because it's just so funny and I think God is having fun with us as we try real hard to adjust to making schedules. NOt really, but I always have in the back of my mind to be all prepared and well organized because everyone else is, but it just gets messed up and perhaps its not meant to be and I am more graciously accepting that fact that I am not the greatest planner doer of the world, but things do get done somehow mysteriously. Now that is something to something to praise the Lord about. Thank you Jesus for your grace and understanding. So we will pack and go to our mission to do what were called to do however that may look like. all aboard!!

sweet thing

Maybe I take it too lightly but not really..seriously. Just the title says something less than what it is. It's more than a sweet thing.
Ok on Friday night, all of the soaking school people were to get prayer and we got up in lines and I stood in an open receiving position. And I think I was not expecting a lot to happen, but one man came over to pray for me. It's one of the few men I really admire and even though I don't really know him, I esteem him and highly respect him. I do not understand myself too as to why I respect him so much, but it is a good thing and a godly thing to view such men like him to have a godly father heart. As he prayed for me, he said these words I never heard "Fawn, you are so precious" and out of the blue wells of water sprang up and out of my eyes... I could feel he meant those words and I just cried and cried. It was so healing. He came back to lay his hand on my shoulder and as I was just looking up to look at him, he just looked at me straight in the eyes and it's almost like he was saying, "i love you and you don't really know that do you?" He gently shook his head and i could feel love and all I could do at that point was cry because I knew in my spirit that I was so loved. It was like papa telling me those words over and over and over "you are so precious".

I've been crying so much this week. so much that my eyeballs were so puffy and my nose looked a bit swollen and had a headache one day. It ws quite the healing week. There's much more, but I shall keep it short and sweet..very sweet!

conference + soaking school

so much has happened and lotsa more to come and great things both fun and a bit hard times.... It's been quite the week and I hope to have Monday to process eveything that papa's been telling me and challenging me...its all good. anyway i have to keep this short as I may need to go to the afternoon session and a huge part of me wants to go to the room and sleep. what to do and what not to do. here's the latest look

new chapter

So out of nowhere I decided to go to the soaking school this week and it just came up this morning while we had small group at Cathy’s house. I’ve been this journey of how do I worship and how can I settle and give him love that would actually come out of my heart that I really really love him. I want so much more, but am I making an effort to get him? I am afraid not. It’s been more or less, we’ll see how this will go, but I don’t want it to be like that. And now I ask myself, how much do I want to be with God and how much do I love him? Am I desperate or hungry enough? And I’ve let other things and people take over his spot and I came down to repent of my ways and now hope that things in my heart have changed for the better… This morning's worship was really good. In my heart this morning after it was all over, I wanted to have this heart in me at every morning to expect from him and meet him however I may be feeling. I think that would be such an amazing life to live like that.

Soaking school....is so what I need in my life right now. So much has gone on in my mind and just to name a few, I wondered how can I go further in him and move forward... It almost seemed like I was living for others in lil ways I do, but I totally let go of my own dreams and hopes and just focused on others. My life seemed dry and my soaking times were only during the times we usually do it. My times with papa was whenever I had short time and of course I have all the time I can make, but I made no effort or made him priority and that is what's been in my heart and just feeling sad about it and yet in some ways I can still move on like that...seriously it is so the grace of God that I can actually write about this and see where I am today and want to "get in there with my papa today" and so I began s.s. this afternoon.
So of course an ice cap would not help drinking that before the session started. My mind was just racing and would not stop until it was time for a session on father heart. It was good and I did enjoy the session and it seemed like I was doing core value month again. I rested more after the session and that is what I definitely need right now and I so believe it is a divine appointment for me to be trained to rest in him and I am actually looking forward to this week. This evening's session was interesting. God came and brought some cast off memories and.... unto heart surgery and there was much tears to that part and it was just really rather painful, but I engaged and I think I am ok now.... though I somehow feel that this might be slightly a bit longer but not too long, but he is going to take time and how I would love to rush and get to the point and get over it and all healed up... that might not happen so quickly and I do feel a bit irritated a bit even by my roomates interestingly...it's all me though. I have great roomates, both lovely.

Anyway I feel fine and I think I'm more sensitive than other days, but I'm willing to get all this healing and resting in him this week. I really need to be schooled in this area I so lack or seem very weak in this area of "resting". Thank you Jesus for this time...

First Time

I had my first pedicure today. I had one in Brazil, but it was not professionally done. This time around, I had an oriental lady do my feet. Hannah and I went to a place near Cathy's house and I think we stayed there almost an hour. Sweet lil oriental ladies. I had the special chair while Hannah had the best chair with the basin. I had the add water in the basin thing and plug it to get the buzz goin. Anyway, I have beautiful feet and I had some style add on to my big toe nail because according to the lady I had to the 'special' chair and so my reward was a sweet design for being humble. It was really nice of her. I never really looked at my feet much before, but I have "happy feet". Sweet!!!
The movie was really sweet last night and I actually stayed throughout the whole movie! So now I am off to see the movie again just because it is very sweet.

left or right

I'm on the crossroad of believe or not believe. Can I or Do I really trust my dad as I would like to? I doubt it. I just want to see little by little that I can actually trust with everything that I am and have. I know I have nothing compared to all the might and strength that he has for me, but I am scared of the hardships. I don't know what the future holds for me and everyone says it is great, but makes me think, there must be a cost and it's just so scary. Future is unknown. I don't know how to trust again... Can I lay everything all down? what ifs here and there.
I know my dad is the greatest of all gods and is the most loving perfect papa, but something in me has this tiny twitch that wonders can it be as it is? Can it be all that good? Is it true? I have yet to discover this mystery in many ways and it is the ways that I do not know make me nervous... I must have more of him. I need him and that is all I need. I desire to know the truth, the kind that totally sets you free. I want it so bad. Can it be? help my unbelief...

wellington

I cried at dinner time because we had beef wellington and I didn't eat it and so I grabbed this apple and it was tasteless and so I cried because I just want food. good food.

weird

So I got up this morning and gettin more and more hyper for some reason unknown...and then I go to church, my excitement went down. I felt like I could do something else and not engage in a service. I dont get it.... I wonder now should I always go to church on sunday? That's probably more a yes answer, but I felt so energized and it's not that I had lotsa sleep, but somethin good happened and I don't know what I done with it. where did it go? I don't know, but I must go look for it and see if it's foundable.

new word

I found out the other night what bullocks mean. It's kinda ewww to call out cow's testies. I think I will stick to 'shoot'. Anyway, almost every day I learn a new word and it is quite interesting to learn so much from people from other countries. I think i am loving it. My vocabulary is expanding and I feel as though I get smarter by the downloads I get on a daily basis. praise the lord!!

typical wednesday

it's the day you have your room clean spic n span. Everything's gotta be clean. I decided to go full out and washed my sheets and exfoliate my face and mask it. Do I ever look more beautiful!

AOoooooooUCH!

Believe it or not, this indian chick has waxed her eyebrows AND!!! upper lip. I have never waxed on my face but I am not a hundred percent sure, but I can't recall ever waxing my upper lip that's for sure. It does feel nice, but now my lips has gone spasm haywire....but this too shall pass as linda would say. Then since we were into waxing stuff, I thought it'd be nice to have hairless toes and so that cleared and now I have a wonderful beautiful 100 less hair on me. I really hope that my mustache won't grow and get prickly. I took a great risk in waxing my upper lip. I really hope they won't grow darker or prickly. It's a bit scary for me, but I will try to believe my personal beautician. I have beautiful eyebrow shape now. I really really like them. I don't think I ever had them so nicely done before. I love them!! praise the lord for friends with multiple talents and who are experts at making models, not really. that was just a random thought that just came in from the bread factory outside....

I like what I see in the mirror.

most random

You know when you feel like you can do so less in a day? Well that was the day today. I could have sworn that I did so much, but really I didn't do a whole lot as I imagined. It went by fast and wednesday are typically sweet days morning flies and then you have this whole afternoon off and you need to get the heck on out of the building. Not many wanted to get out, but I did because it is just the perfect time to breathe in something new. I had a 2 minute comtemplating mode to see if I should take a nap or head on out to do .... who knows what. I tried to convince Niki to join me and do something outside of these many walls around me, but I failed, but I did manage to get Linda & Paul to come along and shop/eat which is what i decided to do.

I wanted to buy a deodorant, but I couldn't find the one I used to apply on my armpits when I lived back in Montreal. See I found out that there is a difference in anti-perspirant and deodorant. What I need is deodorant because I am not a sweaty peepster, and I've been using this anti thing and I feel like I smell even more, not horribly, but I could tell that I am wearing antiperspirant thing. So anyway, I feel like it is pointless at this time to wear what I have and just go without, but Cathy would give me this eww look, but it's not like I stink you know?? Anyway I didn't find what I wanted let alone the store because the deodorant was from a store called 'Dans le jardin', it's french one from montreal. ANyway I didn't succeed in shopping, but Paul did buy 2 pairs of pants and it was good for him to have gone out with the girls and shop. He's very sweet and has many questions that I don't seem to get good smart answers. It's all good though.
All us sgls went to eat over at mandy's place for Karley's birthday. It was very sweet and nice to be in home and tv. We ate enchiladas and cake and went out to swing. I had to come home early so I could take the allergic pills because I must have swallowed some kind of sea food. Bummer. So I came home and got one of my girls to ask if there is any hermal remedies for such things and yes they do. Linda is or was a nurse (for babies though). I took some pills and dyed my hair, well Linda did and now I am lookin totally Indian...back to my roots. No more dead orange streaks. I was white on monday chav night, but noow Im Indianfully.

The Dream

so...I'm on a bunk bed on top and in the universe. It was almost like on tv with that Nasa...Onto my right I see the world quite big and I can see the blue and the green and it was transparent and moving like you shake water in a bottle. It was flowing in a gentle way. The world got bigger as it got closer and I knew the whole earth was God the father. He was it! I knew in my spirit we were having a conversation that goes something like this. My attitude was more or less like... 'is he for real? and oh yea prove yourself to me then', show me who you really are'. And he was like 'well what do you got? ask me what you got?' And almost like in a defensive way "well show me and tell me step by step how do clouds form or how do they made?" And all of a sudden I see this tiny round shape cloud and it's quite small as the world/God is still coming on slowly to me. As it approaches, I see the cloud get into the world like being swallowed and just disappeared... And for some reason I thought the cloud was my brother Josh...weird but anyhooop that was that.
In my dream I was still as silly as I tend to be at times and I thought when I got up, why on earth did I ask such a silly question? Why didn't ask something more mysterious as clouds can be pretty much explained by scientist and what not. It just shows how puny my mind is. Anyway that was the coolest dream ever I had in my life..it was really out there and just abnormal and sooo good. I don't quite get it and I was just really happy that it was a supernatural dream...except for the fact I asked a silly question. Don't think I got an answer...

yes

yesss th dream will be posted. I love my girls. i love my life. I love my dad. I love my mac. I love to drive. I like to blog and will continue to do so and I am going on outreach to Cali.

dream

I had a dream about God this morning...So cool, so unreal but real...I dont have time to write it now, but I will later on..I hada dream about God , I hada dream about God....thats a song.

friends

I thank my dad for blessing me great friends. I still have messy habits and still trying to adopt to well mannerism and all that jazz and yet to be totally loved and accepted is just such a wonderful feeling that all you want to do is be grateful of them special friends. I learn to appreciate to love them and it's not that I feel this need to please them, but I just appreciate the friendship and its great influences they have on me... It's interesting how you see such beauty in people and seriously, think of it...if it wasn't for Jesus, I would not have met the people that have greatly influenced me in such a great and healthy way. It's all because of my sweet Jesus that I am here where I am...so loved by the people he loved and love others and it just gets bigger and better the love is. The past couple days have been a bit tough and not a moment was there for me to get it together look. It was like they walked the same pace but not exactly but accepting the tiny steps I took and that was ok. If I didn't want to talk much, that was ok. Maybe not the healthiest way to cope but it was like...loved back to life in my own sadness of the loss of another fellow youth.... I love C&G and of course M&M.
Appreciate... how would that look like if we had no language? how would I communicate appreciation.... one of my ways is giving away gifts or money. It's such a joy to do so. In times of sadness, that would be my greatest weapon maybe? I dunno... but that sounds pretty cool...anyway my mind is a bit tired now. Good night papa!

His lovingkindness

I got up this morning with this verse in mind. The Lord's lovingkindnesses are new every morning. So I thanked him as I knew in my heart that his lovingkindnesses awaited for me and there was nothing I could do to change that promise. I feel like I was being carried today. I felt lighter and more happy but still feeling sad, but I knew something shifted and I know he loves me....

duno

what can i say or do i say? when i get another phone call of suicide???? i hate it! Another one.... hurts real bad and life goes on..... she was an ol ol friend..... just sucks! n it hurts... i hate it!!! what can be done now?.....

shower

I never thought I'd be going to Aj's baby shower but I am later on this afternooon!! Its so exciting and to go shopping for the lil peanut, it's so unstoppable. The joys of shopping for a mini mini lil being. My day is blessed.

conference...late entry

So I had an amazing time with my kind. It was such a joy to see them so wanting more of what he has for them. They are so hungry and they just get it! I am on the road back to Toronto and I must say that I was incredibly blessed by my daddy. I am so loved by him and I also I am just loved by human people that are amazing leaders. Billy and Elizabeth are such an inspiration and they are the ones that helped me when I was so broken beyond repair. They saw something that I could not see and they called it out and loved me unconditionally. I got prayer for the divorce from Carol and it was incredible because I did not know or understand that God divorced from Israel and that just totally surprised me and just feel his love even just now as I meditate and think over of what he as done for me. Shame is broken off. It was just something huge for me because I can say my daddy understands me. He loves me and this is another level of his love that is going to my heart because I never thought God of all gods I guess i can put but men i guess in general would not even know the shame of my past.
5 years ago I thought my life was over and that nothing great would come out of me or anything exciting and that I set for less. What kind of mindset is that? It is definitely not from my dad's side. It is the accuser, accusing me even in my worst time that things would get worse and worse and that nothing was redeemable. But I have been redeemed by the hands of my Savior because I so deserve his love and get a second chance when I really messed up real bad.
I could feel the love and power of truth going in me. All I can remember right now is Carol's prayer and behind that prayer was filled with love and compassion and I am just overwhelmed of this beautiful love that I know that nothing can change the truth of is all. That prayer at that time and moment of it brought so much life into this spirit in me. I just feel very loved right now.

Time

So here I am in vald'Or with John & Carol and along with 4 peepster from my school. Our school was quite significant I must say, but really God is quite amazing. Melissa, Jontue, Jack and Morley are here with me and Ricky as well. It's purty darn amazing....
This place brings memories of 5 years ago. About this time of the year at this conference (they used to have it in February), I was such a broken person. My Spiritual mom and dad B&E had to hide me in this hotel and keep me safe because of what was going on at that time. I was such a broken, messed up and so scared and had to be placed in women's shelter. Looking back, I am so awed by what my papa can do to/in a broken vessel. Here I am in a ministry team with a couple I adore. Although I don't know them personally, I just have a heart for them and a great desire to know and love them more. But just to be here and minister with them and be part of what papa is doing IN the Cree nation is just incredible. It's all God. I used to think that I was missing out on what papa was doing with the First Nation, but I know I never so. And here I am witnessing on what is about to happen in this territory of the Cree peeps. It's wonderful to see what is happening. I am really blessed.

sweet!!!!!

Just couple days ago, I was telling Cathy how it'd be cool and very fun to go to Val d'Or with the Arnotts and she told me tha I was needed here and I completly understood and thought it's ok if I don't go. But today she got a call from John and he wants a team and I will be going! And I get to go with people from my school (except for Ricky) which is sooo cool. I am looking forward to it. This all came this morning and I was already set to stay here but I was asked " would you like to go?" and of course I would love to. So that was that... im going!!! We had make up a team and i made a few calls for accomodations and so cool that Elizabeth (spiritual mom Diamond) got 2 rooms booked for us even though they told her it was all booked, but for her, the manager said he would take 2 rooms for her..so cool !!!!!!!!
What a privilege and really it is an honor...man who woulda thought I would ever travel with John and Carol??? and even though it is for a few days, my desire of last year has come to pass. I get to be with them and do a mini conference and on top of that, it's to the Indians like me! woohoo!!!!! I do not know what we will be doing exactly, but who knows, we may be in the ministry team. I really don't know. It will be my firstest ever to be with the Arnotts and that is so exciting. I really don't quite know what will happen, but I am mostly very excited as this is a major thing papa will do in the Cree Nation... Bringing and revealing his unreasonable love to us all.
I was nervous not knowing who I may see, but papa's got me, so I try not to worry. It will be good. Hallelujah.
Praise the LORd!!!!! amen!
This is a major thing man and I am just sooo full of excitement. I should probably sleep as I may need all the rest I need to drive. Thank you Jesus!!!!

anger

everyday is so interesting... so we learned about how is it a healthy emotion that needs to be expressed...very good points there Cathy... Got a memory of a scene at home about 7 years ago. Sad one but it came. I was informed to get in touch with the emotions of that day..... do i really want to? i do actually...really interested where it will lead me to..besides all the forgiveness and releasing,...what comes after that? who knows but the mysterious one does know about it all... Anyway that will be my assignment this week. It came for a reason im sure so now i have to get on with it....hope to get it done before friday.

huh?

have you ever screwed up so bad that it seemed like there is no turning back and see no way out of a situation? well thats where i was today until i decided to walk into the light....i was either gonna be covered in shame or not...
extremely humbling and very vulnerable... i couldnt imagine what was going to happen but i found out that my papa's love is unreasonable, so much so that it offended my religious mind. should i take it or live in misery? simple answer...the process itself was not fun at all, but like he says he turns things for the better n he seriously uses foolish things...like i was... he is quite unbelievable and yet powerfully true. He really loves me and still likes me when i mess up big time...hes really faithful.

tears and...

and so much more. It seemed like it wasnt going to end. I did not quite expect what happened to me today. I was very ugly all snots and tears. I haven't cried that much ever in about a year maybe. So this morning during worship, singing backup for Mandy, a few minutes, I felt this foreign but good presence in front of me and I could feel I was in this tube of presence. It's a bit hard to describe, but it was good. Sometimes I just don't understand at all what goes on, but I know something good happens. Now the question is, should I be totally be able to say what goes on?

Anyway, so we start again for the morning and I tried my best to pay attention. I did pray a bit that I get my focus straight. Anyhoop as time clicked, I was getting a bit agitated with all this great stuff and over an hour into it, I must have fallen asleep because I got up and my head was numb and I could see the carpet bubbles on my arm. Anyhoop after the break, we all stand to pray and forgive and I slowly lost it. So I decided to honor my feelings I guess and I may have been like that for a good 45 minutes and on n off crying. I guess about almost one o'clock out of the blue I had to go...where? I dont know where exactly. i just wanted to breathe and eat in my car, so off i went to a grocery store parking lot and had my lunch...and then i went grocery shopping. I think that was the healthiest decision i ever made. I gave up starbucks n chocolate n running away venting which are my main weaknesses.
Anyway I get back for 2 and meet with the Dalleys for a mini talk for us all sgls and one sentence made me CRY again.... Thought I was done for the day, but he was apparently not done with me. So this is the line, "It's an unreasonable love" No matter what I done and do, He my dad loves me sooo much its's crazy. I could not handle it and my only way to respond was to cry.... and so I cried again and again.
And so true also he said that "his love is so good that it offends the religious mind".

I thought nothing was gonna happen today but he came to me and loved me in the areas I never cared for or given up.
You know... He wants to be with me. He wants to. And that alone just goes soo deep into my spirit. wow i just remembered something, papa told me that 'you will experience my love and the depth of it...." I've never experienced this kind of love today, it was a very special day. If I was to be alone, I would have just fallen to the floor and weep, but I didn't, but yet, even still... I could still feel his love overwhelm me. He's just so GOOD to me...............................

my girls

I had 2 dates in a row now and I just love it! Well the first one was an actual starbucks date and the other a sweet date in room where there is no disturbance. It's kinda hard to point out where exactly this love n excitement is coming from especially when I have time with them. They are so precious to me and I just adore them because they are so gentle and open to talk and receive what I may or not say. It's such a blessing! Anyway I wanted to keep it short since i need to go to bed and learn to get up early so I can have time with mi papa. i am blessed! thank you Jesus!

Father Heart

always so interesting and mysterious about this heart stuff....So I got up laughing because my roomate Jess and I slept in and woke up exactly at 9am. Our other delightful roomate Jo was up early as usual and out of the room who knows what time she left.
So we get up and Jess is all freaking out since this is her first time she was late for something which made it so even more funner or funnier. She was purty freaked and she started to laugh because I couldnt stop laughing. It was just too funny. anyhoop so we meet for father heart week and it was cool.'
I was feeling fine before it all began... I dont think i was picking up on anything. It was all good. So we go "out there!" where God goes and we tag along as he teaches us to be his hands and feet. Interesting. It was purty sweet. Pete goes on singing n singing and his lyrics go something like "you're beautiful..." Out of the blue, I cry resentfully because I just was not in the mood to cry...but I did. It hit my heart and the fact is, I cant recall my dad ever say to me 'you're beautiful'. It was good, but again I just didnt want to stay there for long, but it was goood. I hAd some good shedding of tears for a while. So yea! It comes out so mysteriously, his love is pure though and and and..... maybe I shall go rest a bit....(soak)

scheduling

well today was special....I cried
See I thought but i wasnt getting anywhere on my planning and going with the plan. I wanted a schedule/ routine and manage time better. I had all these visions and dreams about the school and it's especially just for me, personal stuff that I want to grow in and adopt a lifestyle of time management and adapt to it as we start the school. This has been in my heart for the last couple weeks, but this morning I felt very sad that I have NOT made my time with my dad and other things such as time alone and dates with friends and just important things to me. I was sorry that I have not gone out with this dream that I believe comes from my papa because Im such a HIGH mover and do what I want and what others want and if it works for me, (someitmes I will only go so far with a person or people if it works for me). And there are times I will do it because I just feel like it.... So this morning during worship, I felt like I was failing and not getting anywhere and here my routine has already begun. I am doing what I want and just moving at my own pace. I discovered more today that I despise PLaNinG, hate it very much. I need to do it because I am on the social team...anyway I broke down in small group and I admittted that I am having a really hard time with this scheduled life or I want to adapt a lil into my life. And I mean a really hard time. Like the way you struggle to quit something that is not really helping you kinda struggle.....It's really hArd for me. yea.......

So before anything was shared, Cathy asked us what do we see ourselves as animal wise...sounds kinda funny but immediatley I thought of a Kangarou. I dont know much about them, but they jump into many places and carry someone. Anyway Cathy said something that made me think twice. I found out that I didnt like about me and moving toooo much and sure when i do that extreme that is to watched and directed a bit, but I deep inside I despised the way I moved but that can be good because I am a mover, Kangaroo represented Nations and going to places and me being the Indian tha I am represents a lot of moving around and bring good and not only bad things.... To make it simple, mover in me has been redeemed. But it doesnt mean that I will dump this scheduling.... So today I planned out half of my schedule...it was easy to fill out the work duties I need to do and the rest that are more unpredictable such starbucks time, godtime, alone time, one on one time, shopping time(verylittle)...and lil things like that.... I want to have my own lil worship time alone too with my guitar and sing away.
i actually got a song or a rythm during break and i really like the sound than the lyrics to be honest...silly to say because its from the bible, but i think i just need to add lots more to it.
anyhoop I have to sign off since I have a date with my sweet karlye who was in my small group but now is an sgl. sweet times!!!!

first small group

So we had our smallest group today. I still have 4 missing and we will be all together in a couple weeks. Anyway I had fun with the 3 I had today. Two of them I am really excited to see what's goin to happen to them and the other, I have a heart for. She's very sweet and funny as well. Anyway it was pretty chilled out and we did collaging so it was good. i laughed a lot, so that really matters to me and my heart. Anyhoop tht's it for now. I have to take Ayshka to the mall so she can buy her MAC laptop... Mac is doing pretty good. ok byethey are here

day one

So today was quite the busy day. Non stopo from 9 til 9pm iguess. All went well and smoothly. Most students are here but 2 of mine i have not seen. My brasilian friend is comin in tomorrow. woohoo. It was a bit weird for me today, part of me didnt want to be here this morning but it all turned out for the better later that night.

I dyed my hair and I have red/copper streaks and this morning I was asked to change it because it is not natural... I totally forgot about the dress code or body image code, i dunno how to call it. Anyway G was nice to have me leave it like that ...basically I have to let it die out. So that was ok, but later on I had this attitude coming up but didnt manifest itself outwardly. So just before registration started, Ijust started to think about how somehow most times I get into these lil wrong doings or mistakes that always leads me to face authority. I dont get it, i just hope that I dont have a sticker on my head saying I always make the wrong decisions.... so I was a bit upset that I done that and I guess knowing I disappointed , not sure if that is the word but it felt frustrating because I dont mean to be foolish but did a foolish thing I totally forgot...totally. It didnt cross my mind when I got it done. Anyway the day went by busy and lotsa faces and names to know. It was great by the time we had dinner, I began to have lotsa fun with the girls at the table and worship was just sweeeet. i loved it! Lovely Sarah came over for couple minutes to pray for me and she said that I bring joy to the Father and that simple word jst broke my heart. I believe he wanted to bring it up since I didnt really bother with it today, but he cared enough to say that I do not disappoint him, that I bring joy to him and am a bringer of joy. That was so goood to hear. So I repented for believing lies....
man there are just so many things i dont know and so much to discover. thank u papa for your love for me!
anyway I must to SCHEDUALIZING... this might be hard but I pray that I make this become a reality with God's help.

sgl #2

second school of my sgl life is commencing today at 9 am. i just used a french word. Today i skyped n downloaded loads of my cds onto my itunes. its so exciting. I finally own something I paid and I know this will bless me as I get into the more things I want to do. I plan on starting to write my book. I want to prepare and at least get a head start with it. I am now in my bedroom as I wished to remain in the same room. This will be another journey of my life of new love n goodness. Niki and I are no longer roomates but we're really good friends for life. It sure feels different but it is a good one and the new ones coming will bring me somethin i dont have and vice versa. Anyway I shouldnt write too long as it is already late and I should be sleeping to get all the energy I need for tomorrow. Thank you papa for everyone n everything that blesses my heart! ok nite now.

mac

i just got my mac today! now i will be more connected to everyone thats close to me....i should go to bed though. its late, but ya today was quite the day for me... sweeeet blessings.........

my brother

he came in last nite and will be with me for the next couple days. My parents are gone, so that will give us more time to chill and chat. He's such a blessing to me. He's one of the people I go crazy with and laugh at the same things. The best part is when we are in public and we both caught a scene of whatever is funny, we will both laugh at the same time and laugh at the person or whatnot... kinda sounds bad but most of the time it's small things that we make big and it gets funnier and better. I guess you could say exageration, and we do that, and cant help but get crazier. Im blessed to have him to myself this week and have fun. I havent had much fun lately. Work seems a lil too serious, but its all good. Cant complain about the little work that I do and get paid quite a lot. OK, i should just put a smile on my face while I answer away!!

ouch

yesterday, and lately Ive had my adult relatives come to me talk about their "troubles". And ( I think) for the first time ever I asked papa to give me a heart for those that hurt my most beloved ones. It's hard to love others when it hurts you as well. I want the best for my uncles and aunts but someone close doesnt want them happy and I really dont like that. Now Ive come to ask papa to fill me up with his love as I forgave and released them and believe that my heart will change when I see my relatives. As these sweet people come to open their hearts, I am learning about boundaries so I will not get all tangled up in their stuff.
Goin home can always be so interesting and such a learning experience. It's quite challenging at times but im learning //but honestly I need to set my boundaries and thats so hard to do, because I see that the Cree ways of living is not how I want to live...there are some good ways but many I disagree and how do I gently go about it and not let them think o its the white way of living.... so much learning in such lil time. couple more weeks..... then i bust the move again. The story of my life, but I really like it..someday I will settle but not here I dont think... Im looking forward to buying a couple condos in couple major cities.

hi

im almsot done work. I dont have much to do, but answer the phone in a very very professional way or manner. I sound very extraordinaire. If you want to hear me, you should call me.
AT 555--555555-5-5-5-5-555-5-5
i accept collect calls

smile

wheres the blog?

where did it go? I just posted it. this is the new blogger and hmmm i m lost in it...i have to go look for it.

home?

I made it to the far north face of the earth... i havent blogged since last year...weird...
So snow is all i see around me and just last week I was in my bikini and now everything is covered from head to toe...feels a bit overwhelming, but I guess I must return where I am from....but do I really belong here? I dunno. I must go discover that... so last weeek, I thought of "God's will. Why do people say I want to be in God's will...i wonder....the world and its people in it seem to think they are doing his will without them knowing or being aware of it... Everyone must be in his will unless someone really wants to go against God, wouldnt that be tha case...hmm. I'd like to go more into that. anyhoop, I am back on for good I hope. Things and people kinda took over me as I allowed that to happen... I love to write but I did drop that as I peopled out and so caught up with stuff.

I miss Brasil, the heat, the people, unidao and the food.
Now I am eating wild meat again like beaver and goose and moose meat this afternoon for lunch... back to the old indian ways...... bring on the meat!!!!