new chapter

So out of nowhere I decided to go to the soaking school this week and it just came up this morning while we had small group at Cathy’s house. I’ve been this journey of how do I worship and how can I settle and give him love that would actually come out of my heart that I really really love him. I want so much more, but am I making an effort to get him? I am afraid not. It’s been more or less, we’ll see how this will go, but I don’t want it to be like that. And now I ask myself, how much do I want to be with God and how much do I love him? Am I desperate or hungry enough? And I’ve let other things and people take over his spot and I came down to repent of my ways and now hope that things in my heart have changed for the better… This morning's worship was really good. In my heart this morning after it was all over, I wanted to have this heart in me at every morning to expect from him and meet him however I may be feeling. I think that would be such an amazing life to live like that.

Soaking school....is so what I need in my life right now. So much has gone on in my mind and just to name a few, I wondered how can I go further in him and move forward... It almost seemed like I was living for others in lil ways I do, but I totally let go of my own dreams and hopes and just focused on others. My life seemed dry and my soaking times were only during the times we usually do it. My times with papa was whenever I had short time and of course I have all the time I can make, but I made no effort or made him priority and that is what's been in my heart and just feeling sad about it and yet in some ways I can still move on like that...seriously it is so the grace of God that I can actually write about this and see where I am today and want to "get in there with my papa today" and so I began s.s. this afternoon.
So of course an ice cap would not help drinking that before the session started. My mind was just racing and would not stop until it was time for a session on father heart. It was good and I did enjoy the session and it seemed like I was doing core value month again. I rested more after the session and that is what I definitely need right now and I so believe it is a divine appointment for me to be trained to rest in him and I am actually looking forward to this week. This evening's session was interesting. God came and brought some cast off memories and.... unto heart surgery and there was much tears to that part and it was just really rather painful, but I engaged and I think I am ok now.... though I somehow feel that this might be slightly a bit longer but not too long, but he is going to take time and how I would love to rush and get to the point and get over it and all healed up... that might not happen so quickly and I do feel a bit irritated a bit even by my roomates interestingly...it's all me though. I have great roomates, both lovely.

Anyway I feel fine and I think I'm more sensitive than other days, but I'm willing to get all this healing and resting in him this week. I really need to be schooled in this area I so lack or seem very weak in this area of "resting". Thank you Jesus for this time...