last day

I said to myself I would get to bed early tonight for tomorrow's busiest day for som. I dunno how hectic it can get, but seemed like today was really busy with the errands we had to do for the big event tomorrow. Hannah and I are on the o ya and Manuel are on the social committee/club whatever. We were quite productive today to be honest. We pretty much have everything for tomorrow's banquet/graduation/nerd night event. It should be fun.
Hannah and I get to mc the whole nite...it should be something else.
Time did fly by...I can't really believe I made it...well I still have another month, but the 4 months have been quite the journey for me and lil heart. My heart just needs some rest and peace and lotsa love from my own peeps. I miss my kinda ppl at times. I miss talking in Cree at times....I've gotten so tainted that I don't even talk to papa in Cree....thinking he's white. naw, that's not true, but it's just amazing how the environment you are in can affect the way you think and (act. well that's sometimes). I think I'm still pretty much indian the way I carry myself. I still see ppl giving me the "look", but it's good. I don't really mind it cause I learned and known that I don't have to change the way I am....indian as I can get/be.
I've learned stuff about people and my leaders and myself as well. It's been good and at times bad, but that usually was my own doing. Anyhoop, I just know I need so much experience so I can learn from stuff and others to be a better leader. I see my skills are not so great and it's a drag at times when I don't feel like doing anything, and yet I know I have to do it...The worst part I would say is losing vision... i did used to love giving my time for papa and others and for myself as well and then slowly I lost sight and didn't admire giving my time to papa, others and me. That is the worst place to be. I hate it. It just shows time and time again how weak I am, and I need to humble myself and maybe I should ask for help....but not all the time. I am learning and most of the time, it's great but right now, I just need time for....ME!
Im headin home to my parents new house. How fun can that get??? wow Christmas in my own home town with my whole family...it'll be sweet and oh so lovely. I can just imagine it now....i love Christmas holiday but not the shopping so much anymore... I just want family and friends and that would do me just FINE...merry christmas!

hmmm

well, I've not been really productive. Although I would love to see myself do that, but I feel no energy to fight for my passion. Sounds awful, but I just want to do so much.... but not now. It's almost scary to be in this place. I've hit this corner and it just better to sit and just wait a bit...for what? I dunno. I dont really know what I want. I do want my love for life. I need you.

14 more days

So I have 11 more days here in Toronto and I am excited to go home. Its been a rough few weeks. I just want to see my dad now and sometimes that is all it takes for me to know that everything will be ok. I miss mom n dad. There's so much going on and I just want a dad's hug and a mom's touch. I just want to forget about the world that spins around me and fall to rest in papa's arms. It's been different and at times really not exciting at all. I've gone on some rides, long rides and time away from here and spent a night with friends. I'm learnin about me still... I asked myself tonight, why am I so tough at times? and i didnt get an answer from my mind. It's probably a harsh answer that I didnt want to hear.
Do I still love him?

life

heck! so much has gone on. Im still moving & moving on and my breaks dont seem to work. LIfe is still sweet if you want to look things on the brighter side. Its always good, you can make it good by allowing the author do what he's gotta do. So I got more checks in the mail again since the last time I left off. I travel the world in my own lil world (mind). But I actually travelled to Montreal over the weekend to pick up my winter tires at the ol place. Anyhoop, lots has happened. I bought a freakin cool straightner in Kzoo. one hundred and six dollars but so worth it. I got a *& card in my drawer in the office last week, twenty five dollars worth...happy face! my parents moved into their new house/mansion 5 bedroom for a couple. i say its a mansion. Apparently I have a really nice room. SWEEETT!!! mild headache roaming around my brain. Bought bath & body workx for my mom bathrooms. my sg girls are amazing and doing great!! bought a pair of jeans for twenty dollars couple weeks ago. almost done reading redeeming love...amazing book...its a must read for every girlfriend of mine. had an oil change last week and a new light that burnt out one night for no reason. my brazilian team is great! gettin more bonding time. I also got xmas cds. My journal is almost finished and onto a new one which I already bought at Winners for six dollars. And this weekend, I bought a sweet wallet/purse and its a nice red one and a 2 dollar pink tank top for brazil and a tshirt and a gun all from Montreal.
As for my heart, Im doing ok. At times I wish I could just lay here and listen to never ending sweet music that would sooth my busy body. I need to get back on track with my dad. Anyway I must head now. its near bed time!

Kalamazoo

So im in Michigan and we are enjoying our time here and it's been mostly fun. We've been prophesying over people and we're about to do some more at the mall and we will get to shop as well!! praise the lord. The peeps here are great. I have not much time to sit n talk with them as we have not made it in on time last nite. I made a wrong turn n we disconnected from the other van...i think they forgave me and us all. its been fun and I had boiled eggs for breakfast. It was eggstra special. I love eggs and real breakfast. anyway I dont have all day time to write but so far its been good and my leadership skills have been sharpened and I felt somewhat odd for a half hour but Im ok now. I got prophesied over by the team n it was good. amen.

This is IT

SSSOOO much has gone on... goodness, let me say just a few thingies.
I've been struggling with some things for a while and today while I was spending time with papa, he showed me how my heart is religious. He said in a way that made me laugh at myself and it's true. I still need to think on it. And deep down I feel the need to tell either Sarah or Cathy about this struggle but it's I dunno, we'll see. I usually am pretty sure of the things that my dad tells me, but for some reason I feel like I need to talk about this thing. It has to do with God time.

ANyway this week is special because I am on this walk where I dedicated myself to do pilates every night and not when I want to and Melissa and I agreed that since she is my instructor, she will say it's time to do our routine and not even ask if I want to join. So there we go. And then we also said we were goin to cut on the sugar/junk food altogether including Hannah. So this will be about team work, being faithful and dedicated and sacrificial. These are my goals.YES!! I feel determination coming on...keep comin....please do.

This weekend has given me a sort of wake up call I guess. During prophetic presbytery, I knew that my love for doing things...i think everything spiritual... has grown cold. I was discouraged, but sunday service didn't feel like I getting somewhere. I felt stony or outa touch. At times I think I may just be picking up things and pray and I dunno. It's just been a bit strange.
But tonight felt like and know that things are gonna change. I felt within me a voice calling out - I will not give up. Rise up Fawn. And so here am feeling that urge to voice out what really is goin on and saying things will change for the much better. amen.

This past weekend, I had the urgency to clean out my whole room and change a bit and decorate. I did a good job and Im feeling really at home. Niki loves it. I decorated using Starbucks cups (colored ones) and hung them on the ceiling and the cups have these beautiful Christmas colored sleeves on them and it just looks to nice and my friend Michelle gave me lights so it just sets the Christmas cozy spirit. hmmm, dunno if that is even right. Anyway I won a jar of candies at the harvest party and all have been eaten by everyone here in the office and so I had this empty beautiful glass jar. I think this was the Holy Spirit telling me to be more creative. I washed the jar and filled it with water and I have this one earing that lost its partner. Anyway it's round and is about the size of an oreo and has colors on it and so I thought, this could be my gold multi colored fish. And I have a necklace that kinda looks like a starfish and so now we have a fish bowl and a fake fish and a mini sail that tipped over and a starfish in it. It's so beatiful, well, at least in my eyes. And then I set up a mini entertainment chair decorated in a white sheet and I put Niki's laptop so we could watch movies (from time to time) and we borrowed speakers from one of her friends...she kinda stole them cause her friend didn't know she went in one of the rooms to borrow the mini speakers...Anyway, we're gonna take them back. So that was Sunday and tonight I went out and bought 3 xmas cds. One by Louis Armstrong, the Chipmunks and one of my favorites Celine Dion. So there we are, ready for Christmas.
What else...my former roomate left tonight to go back to England for 3 months or so. It's quite sad but I know it is for the far far better. This one is a bit more of a sensitive one, so why don't I just leave this one out. But ya my friend left school and I am sad, but I know papa is here with me to comfort my heart.
So weird, two days in a row, I longed to for a mother's hug...so hard at times, but I think I can get that somehow by my papa...he apparently has a mother's heart. Interestin, but anyway I should go check on the laundry. !!!!!!!

life is life

well, well, well. What could I possibly say to make my life more uplifting without the sugar. Pour some sugar on me so I won't have to get in into my body system. Anyway I will overcome this! I think it's about 52 days when we start celebrating Christmas. And less than 60 days til I fly outa this country!! Brazil here I come. It hit me last night while I was sitting in Cathy's couch talking away about stuff and reality hit, I'll be 30 very soon. I'm not worried, but I have no proof that I am very intelligent and my marital status says -divorced-. I know I have an amazing life ahead of me, but I feel like I should get something goin on here, but there's nothing much I can do now except to look forward to my birthday celebrating with friends in Brazil. Sweet!!
Last night I watched the Matrix for the first time ever in my entire almost 30 years of my life. Imagine that! It was quite interesting, and of course there were few times I was kinda lost in the movie and didn't quite understand. I'm usually not that typa person who watches super high effects movies, but it was good, very good might I add.
When I fly home in December, Im goin home to a brand new house/home. It's exciting, but very strange because that is just not what I expected in my life I guess...sure it's nice to have mom n dad, but to move back in when I already moved out and now...hi mom n dad, make room for me I need to fill in your space. Then again Im not really moving in for good...But I think I still have to consider my life soon, kinda like making a plan or order, but a big part of me doesn't really want to.
Sometimes I feel like I will just get on great without much super education and his favor resting on me. I mean I don't have to work n work to get to something, but I dunno. IT could happen and it also could not, but for the time being I will be optimistik and think I can do all things and accomplish, fulfill my dreams and make a living one way or another with my dad's help of course. Life is as what you make it to be. I think it's a choice whether you want to really live.... i think, i could be wrong, but you can disagree.

Ethnic food?

So all of us staff were invited to have lunch over at the Allums and it was oh so ymmmy. We had Costa Rican food, rice n veggies covered with something that kinda looked like scrambled eggs but I couldn't really tell what it was. Anyway it was fantastic and we all got to see Lulu! It was a great day in spite of the constant drips from the sky. THe food was amazing and needless to say I had sugar...lemon tart s. Man I wish I could say it was only one tart... I'm feelin a bit depressed about this now. This is really hard. I had m&m this morning 3 to be exact and so that began my ride down the hill. Hard times..............................
So last night at 11:24pm, me and Hannah (my co partner from sugar strike) went out of the building and into the car and off to the highway to Dominion.... a grocery store that opens 24hrs and bought m&ms and reeses pieces and both ice cream each. We failed big time. We got back in time (6 min late)to do the curfew run in the hallways. So what do we do after? ate and talked and went to bed. Munchies...dunno how to overcome. Brushing my teeth at 9 pm used to work for me, but not any more. So ya...failed. I can't do it even with a friend. I'm really not liking this.
And Jack just got back. We went to the airport to pick him and sure enough he was there waiting for us, slightly late but we made it. Then I got my chocolate and distributed more in the office as we all sat around to mingle as we all ate some galaxy. Now the result from eating nasty today is an upset stomach. Im gonna try again tomorrow see if I can do better. amen

14 days

WoW I havent blogged in 14 days!! And NO! I was not fasting on Blogging. I was jus out and about and almost too much everywhere. And we've been banned from goin on myspace so that took every high technological stuff off of my fingers. so here I am updating my so called life in the som world. life is good and my papa's still treatin me real good. This week though, I am goin on a fast...NO sugar. Of course that is quite impossible since almost everything is fructose and lactose.... that didnt sound right. anyhoop....all that me and Hannah are plannin on doin is cut very low on the sugar, no chokolate...SO Hard! and Jack is comin back tomorrow with all the uk chokolate and I also want to stop for a while *$. and also junk food and just lil things here n there. please pray for me peepster. this is MaJor stuff for me. These addictions are like having an affair...it's dead wrong sinful cause im replacing that longing for sweetness than longing after him...o ya, its the cravings of this world... o my i think this might be bigger than I thought. Help me God! amen.

one word

hunger... when you fast, after a while you can just go on without food with no problem. And it fascinates me that we are to make ourself hungry again for us to go back to eating (healthy wise). And it's so true that it is that exact same way when we hunger for God. We need to have some more. The more you have him, the more you crave for him and it gets even more intense when you actually follow after your hunger day in and day out. I got this from this week's teaching and that spoke to my heart. And tonight, I felt unsettled because of the way I've been eating and drinking coffee and whatever else seems like an addiction and for the first time again in a long long time, I felt bad for going after the cravings of the world. They are not huge but they become bigger the more I go after these silly stupid cravings that just give me a temporary high or fix. This journey I'm on is so interesting. But I know it always leads me to him, to run to him, to rest in his love so he can fill that whole in my heart that seems to settle for something that isn't doing me any good.................. I want more... love. I think that is exactly what Im calling out for and all that I need.

reminisce

This week has been so good. We had more teaching on intimacy and it just feels so good to be reminded time and time again and I feel very refreshed at the moment because I took times this week to be more intimate I guess, but not a whole lot more with God but a lot with others around me that are always around but are distant and it was good and I thank God the times of being alone with him because it helped me alot what to say when one is asking about a certain thing. From the beginning being here, it was just so hard and extremely lonesome and I had to make time to be with him or not because everyone that was close to me (say Andrea)was so far away and when times of wanting a mother's hug or father's touch was just impossible but he came and proved himself true and faithful to his name...papa. I could almost say that it took me about 2 month or 7 weeks to figure me out. know what i mean? I had to be AlOnE to figure that one out and it was not the most exciting thing, but I have overcome again by the power of love. It's good, real good. Thank you papa for your never ending crazy love for me. Looking back now, I'm happy I gone through some things that seemed imposible but it wasnt even impossible. It just changes the way way you look on life and people and Him too.
And tonight, Niki and I n Morley were invited to Aj's birthday party. Dinner and bowling and it was such a good time. We had fun and again it just feels so honoring to be with these amazing people around me because I know that they all have a huge impact on me and I know that they sincerely love me and I know that I love them in return and it's so easy to love on them. It's amazing where this journey is taking me. He's been so goood yesterday and today and I know he will be tomorrow and everyday of my life. No matter what, I know that I know that his goodness is never ending.....crazy! but SO true...AHHHHHH

im loved

Tonight, my papa told me that
I AM REDEEMABLE. I AM REDEEMED. HE REMINDED ME OVER AND OVER ABOUT THE TIME ABOUT MY TEETH AND HOW CAROL SAID THIS IS MY TIME OF REDEMPTION. I AM OVERWHELMED BY HIS LOVE FOR ME...............................................
All I could do is cry and cry and do some more crying. How else can I say it? Truth has hit my heart once again and again....

sweet!

What a great weekend. I had an amazing time here and there. Yesterday we went out to Stratford for a day t be with Lulu's birthday. It was so lovely, we just had such a fun blessed day. It was cold and refreshing. It was just so much fun. Mandy was the one who more or less organized the trip there. Then Sunday I went to TACF East and Sarah preached/teached on Interpretation of dreams. It was so cool and I got more revelations so that was another amazing thing about my special weekend and then I went to Central and it was just sooooo............hard to put words, but i love Jesus!! it was just ahhhh I dunno. Maybe next time, I will try to write out details when my eyes are fine cause they're too dry to look into the screen. Tonight's sermon was on trust -life of Joseph and Im so blessed to know that I am here and this is part of the journey. The end of the journey is where its all at. The process...is where I should be...faithful and taking the most of every moment.... Joseph did have quite the life and yea trust.... It's a big thing...Im so small and he's just so big. I had to repent and it was so good. It's so cool to know me being here is part of my destiny. That Gordon and Cathy are part of my journey to what is ahead of me and that the sgls have a role in it and ahhhh. It just never ends. LIfe is so sweet............so interesting.....

cruise?

Yup! As of today it looks like I am goin on a cruise somewhere in the Carribean... Im thinking Im gonna turn black since where I am headed for the month of January will be so hot and then I head back for few days and back to south on a ship on the sea.... it sounds so good. I love it. I just hope my family won't get offended that I wont be home soon after the outreach. I am now officially the princess carribean queen. PCQ. I think i like that. anyway gots to go.

friends or one friend

It's so refreshing to be out of the area and have a wonderful meal with one friend. Sarah D. and I went out to eat and just hang out and I had a wonderful, funny, joyful time with her. Seriously I am so blessed. I love hangin out in groups but I prefer and can be more at ease in a much smaller group and at times one person is enough or best for me. Though it is nice to have bunch of people to talk to but I dunno I just rather be alone with a friend or two, so we can actually talk and listen.
I took off my sgl coat and she took off her pastoral coat and it felt so relaxing n fun as well.I have Sarah as my pastor and friend as well and better yet we can be like totally freakos and just laugh our heads out because we just.... funny together. yea! I think that's it. I can actually be crazy and not care and fear that I might offend the lil heart of Sarah.
I found out we both love fish, but we didn't go out for that tonight. We had some real good thai food and it was just a joyous time. What can I say? I had a blessed time. It was nice to know the lil Sarah who ruins carpet, curtains with some pink product at 2 and fawn who flooded the house and ruined the carpet for life. We have some things we done that are somewhat common.
I just want to say I am happy and feel very honored to have spent this evening with a friend and she is an amazing person who I look up to and highly admire for who she is. Anyone who knows her would agree no doubt. She's indeed incredible. And I'm so blessed, it's so cool. I love blessings!!! When you really think of it though, it's papa's goodness that just makes you so grateful for what he has given you and blessed you to enjoy for life really. Thank you papa for this life you blessed me. Just looking back now....makes me so thankful for what he has done and changed and restored in my life. It's amazing. There is much to say but I will leave it to that. I am very thankful for Sarah and that papa allowed me to be here so I can get to know her and grow and just live life here at this point in my life. amen.

financial favor?

The other day while I was journalling at lakeshore on the grass...such a wonderful day, anyway I was kindly reminding papa about how I need to pay up something that was due today and while in worship today I told him that I didnt want money to be my god and I left it at that. So I got to check my bank account and yea....it happened again!!! I got more money transfers. TWO in one day and my lil brother said he was gonna send me money tomorrow. So that makes 3 in one week. WHat would you call that? Financial favor? Perhaps. Im telling you, my dad really considers about my due date payments. It's so fascinating because even though it's just on some piece of paper that says DUE DATE, he would actually take the time to touch the hearts of others so I could in the end receive what I have today. He cares a lot, prolly a whole lot more than I think. So amazing!! Seriously. I got to buy toothpaste and I was down to the last drop today. I did have some lil money left , but I just didn't touch it. My friends have asked me to pray for them to impart that I dunno what you could call it, but I say favor. I claim it and I get it. I don't know if it's that simple but hey try it and & but do not forget the 10%. That is a must and at times put more than 10%.
So, before I took off to pay off some thing, I emailed my brother to ask if he mentioned about me needing $ to my parents because I do not want to be a burden to them especially at this time where they just finished building a huge house (mansion for me). He says he didn't and his answer to me though surprised me and says 'good grief child! you are soo rich'. Made me think and laugh at myself too. He's not walking with papa yet. He's on the run but can't go far. ANyway he brought some good sense to me. I needed it. My parents sent me money because they just wanted to and of course they love me and want to bless me. I just told my mom abotu the due date and I think it really blessed her because they just did what they felt they should do. So cool!
So it was a nice surprise. Sometimes I say I just keep spending money because I just don't seem to run out of it, and it is true. That may sound obnoxious, but it's not all on me though, so I think I'm safe. But honestly speaking life really works and speaking poverty over yourself will take its toll I tell ya. I don't remember the last time I over an overdraft in my account. And if I did, it was prolly cause of my foolishness.
I have three bank accounts and I've been really good at saving my income that I get from working/living here. My goal is to deposit the checks and not touch a cent and so far, so so so good. I'm proud of myself. I think it's a good think in this area to be proud of. Hallelujah!!
So again thank you papa. You done it again. The song on sunday made me I dunno what to say but it goes like this 'you are good' and he said ya, I was good yesterday and I am good today and then he ends by tellin and I will be good in the future. SO true. He was, is and will be always good to his children no matter what. He is good even when we are not and when circumstances dont seem like it, but HE is GooD and that alone is the truth. Take it or leave. I'm amazed. He's so majestic and he remembers me, Fawnsita, the one and only indian fawn at the blogspot dot com. ya, that's my daddy.................................................

yuk

i really dont like cramps. I want to puke but nothing is comin out. Im in bed not its not exciting. I want to eat but afraid. I dunno my hunger is on pause and I just dont want to consume anything not even water. ahhhhh..... I hate this. lyin doesnt seem to help in any position. i wish i could puke maybe that would be helpful at least. I want a bathtub and just lots of hot things... to drink n maybe soup. mom.... i feel like i need you. heal me now lord. amen

nice weekend

Sunday was so nice. Lyin on the grass with the sun beaming down on your face and reading a book and just havin a sweet time with papa was just so what I needed. IT WAS JUST PERFECT. Indeed the picture was perfect and you can't always get that in october.
Monday I finally got some turkey real home cooked meal and lots of added stuff. thank you lord!
I have lulu with me for the night and just so many blessings for me and I am surrounded by so many blessings. It's lovely.

It was an interesting weekend. It started off a bit hard, but ended very good and happy. Now off to bed and get ready to work manana. hasta luego!

Road Trip -Saturday

So I got woken up by my phone voice mail ring. Got up to check it. It's so weird my phone ring at times but I get this special ring when I get a message in my voice mail. Anyway, sweet Monika leaves a message that got me out of bed and into Melissa's room to see if she is up. Anyway we were asked to come if we wanted to Buffalo for the day and shop! who would say no? Of course I would go even if Melissa said no but she didn't and that is always a good thing. So we had to mapquest some stuff.
The night before we planned on going downtown by bus and subway and check out Queen Street and Bloor Street and whatever else, but that all crashed when we got a call that very morning. So up set get ready and get all pretty we went...off to Monika's and into her car and onto the highway. I love girl road trips. We stopped at this place to see if they had this certain kind of perfume I forget the name, it was for Monika. But we didnt succeed and then we stopped at this place to get info because the highway we were gonna take was jammed and so we had to go onto this route we had to know before hand. So screw the mapquest and off we went into the NY state smoothly. We went to the Galleria somethin place and I went and spent mo n mo money. I bought 4 shirts for 37 and that was a good deal! Loved it and I also got a body works stuff and a hoody that has a monkey on it a cute one that is...kinda looks like me when I have a pony tial and my ears stick out. But I grown to love my ears. Thank you Jesus. The girls bought stuff as well but not sure what exactly at the moment
Ya it was a great fun time and we spent a few more dollars at TARGET. I only bought chocolate there. I went over 12 when I crossed the border, but nothing was taken and I wasn't the one talkin to the immigration officer...is that what we call them? IM not sure but anyway...my time in NY state was great!! we came home safe n sound after 120km/h all the way to home. Then Melissa and I drove home from Monika's house. It was---FUN TIMES!!

thanks giving

This is one holiday I am not sure what you are specifically should be thankful for. We are grateful for families and food of course, but what else is there? Was there a specific thing we should consider? I hear Americans go full out crazy almost more than Christmas celebration in some areas. So yea, thank you God for food, home and shelter and my family even though they are thousand miles away and for friends that stick with you through thick and thin and for car and money and a watch. The motivation isn't there. I am not quite sure why I miss others, people close to me are so far away and it's not funny. It's probably knowing I'm here alone with people but it just seems I dunno. Somethin died or hmmm maybe that is a strong word, but I could almost feel like I could run away again but only for a moment. These funny feelings come and go. It's an interesting journey... And life goes on to more fun and new discoveries.

what to do and how to get there!

That was the famous line several months ago between us all members ofPuerto Rico team. We all laughed and took many pictures and tried to put puzzle pieces together as this one area seemed very alarming and distracting but anyway it ended up being us all standing for each other. Good times and sweet memories...

So you get this vision and you see how marvelous it is and how wonderful it will be and all that. And then all of a sudden it hits you and you wonder what to do and how to get there? The quest is on. So I love to soak now, but it's a matter of making time and getting up early. I have not loved/enjoyed soaking than I have right now. Im an extreme mover and somehow, God of the universe could change this because I loved my moving around and nothing could stop not even leadership. You say how aweful is that? I know, I was remorseful at one point but not anymore... hmmm I mean I think I am no longer suffering from daily runaways or withdrawals might sound more bad. Do I make sense? NOt sure but I understand what I'm tryin to say. So I say it took about a whole year for me to grasp 'soaking' and it is so refreshing and brings me to a new level of intimacy with God. Yea. It's a different approach, but I am so enjoying it and sure it may take time to have my brain calm down and rest with my body, but o how sweet it to trust in Jesus. I remember that song from church. Anyhoop, my journey is to go on further in this area and I don't have an idea of what it will be like, but I know that it brings me so much peace. I'm purty sure there is a whole lot more, but I guess that is for me to discover just like the province of Ontario.

monday nite

I really miss friends I mean my friends that are close to me and being crazy and we all join in and just get even more crazier things and it just doesnt end until we cant laugh anymore and our stomachs ache. I miss that part of life with certain relationships........
I went shopping and got me a pair of nice back pointy shoes and I got a sweet deal. Well I dont know if it to everyone, but anyway they cost 130 and add the tax and all n who knows what it would have ended up being but I used my beloved Indian status card and o what a privilege and blessing it is to be an indian. It pays well to be Indian. Anyway I added a spray of some sort of protection..you know how they are, but heck with it I thought might as well take the offer. Anyhoop it was 6 or 7 something and they entered everything in and to my surprise it was only 135 and it was supposed to be more than that. I know Im not mentally mathematical but I knew that was impossible, so I nicely told them that I do have to pay the gst and they said it was ok and today was a special for me to shop. Sweet! isn't it? Shoes and a spray for $135 tax free. So I could say being honest is very wise and pays off well. amen

reserved

I belong to someone and he belongs to me. I am so worth to be loved. It's flippin crazy how priceless I am. Where do I from here? I'm onto another new discovery............................. never ending story of this beautiful chapter that goes on from what's next? and unto more adventures. It's fascinating!

DISCOVERY

So I learnt that if suppressed anger (for example) for twenty years has been in there and never been dislodged. How does that look like now? If I say a tiny prayer of I forgive myself and seems like it's not working at all... then I have to find a way how it does come out.
Growing up in a nice christian home is always nice and at times too nice and you can't tell what's wrong when something is really right. Interesting isn't it? at least I think so. If I tried real hard to recall any moment in my life growin up where I seen anger, that is impossible because I could swear but I won't, I have not seen that growin up. I don't really know what life was like growing up. Then again Im one of them people who barely have memories of childhood. Its so fascinating though. I think mom and dad were pretty average busy people but not extreme and I have no clue what it was like if there was tension. Im pretty sure there was but I have not a single memory of it. This could be good and very bad I think. Seeing that I never seen anger expressed...seein? I know, it doesnt make sense, but if I did not see that, how am I suppose to handle this feeling that I feel now? I feel as though I want to know psychologically than to emotionally express it. I find it more fascinating to explore that area rather than letting it out. No I dont want a method on how to release anger, but Im just curious how this mind works.

I heard this saying before "wooden indians" and you do see a totem pole or a picture of an indian and you will hardly ever see one with a smile. Makes me wonder if I adopted this silly thing right into my culture without even being aware of it. I find it harder to verbally express to others but not so much on paper which is great cause I believe God gave me this good mental writing ability so I can do what I do now. I feel as though it's not really my culture to freely outwardly express and I was informed twice 2x this week that I may be wrong in that area. It never crossed my mind how the british people are and how hard it must be to be proper 24/7 (pardon me) and even more if you were a christian. Please take no offense. Im just goin on this new discovery myself. Makes me wonder even more and I'm so curious, how am I suppose to express anger in a healthy way? Of course you go and vent and scream and whatnot. But Im just totally not like that. At least that is my own personal opinion and I dont want to adapt to someone else's method or ways of expressing. know what I mean? This is very interesting to me now. Now the question lies beneath the lines, should I go and journal and see what may come out of it? It kinda makes me nervous honestly. What does that look like? I know I swear to stuff and not at people from time to time when Im very upset of something and me. My natural way of responding to anger is withdraw, go for a ride, don't talk because my feeling will subside in due time. BUT then there's that thing again goin in circles... here we go again. So the anger just gets cluttered as my dad put it this morning. ANd I can easily rebel and at times I love that because it's just easy to passby so fast and no one can catch you at times and nothing seems to matter at least for a short time. and then again, it's the same ol feeling again and this time it's thicker and yet dormant and I guess it just grows and grows and you collapse...that's even more scarier. O God! I think I need to go and let my feeling rise to the surface where it actually overflows. yes more lord............... oops ... so hard not to be sarcastic at times. It's only a mask. Well onto this new discovery now..................................................................

Scary!!

So today wasnt the greatest day...again. It was horrible for me and terrible to find out how I just dont seem to work as a leader and sure I thought this week will be different and it's just hard and maybe even harder. I feel such a weakling and it's just not right to lead when you are so messed up. I wished I was somewhere other than being here. It was plain disastrous for me. I felt intimidated and frustrated that I could not get over this stupid feeling that kept roaming around me. So I did not nothing today. I did run to *bucks and that always helps and it was during lunch so it's not much of a big deal. But Im telling you, leading is not so much fun to be honest. Perhaps Im just really narrow minded right now, but Im just sayin as it is and next week will change. amen.
Seriously writing is so much easier than talking to someone face to face. It's still scares me and I know that can be stupid but hey at least Im learning. Communication! who said it was easy for women? Im having a hard time and horrible to express and at times I stall because I cant find the right proper english words and my culture gets in the way and it's just so messy.
I was so hopin to hear that they had worse sgl than what they had seen today.
Time to activate the prophetic flow! Where was the flow again? I cant believe that I'm so out. It's crazy and I just want to run away but that is not even an option anymore.
man o man! where do you go from here? Let's hope altogether that I will overcome these struggles and find comfort in the ONe that set me apart and he is tearing me apart and it hurts and I just want to crawl under my blanket and I could even hide under my bed because this is like overwhelming. It's way over my head and that might be good I guess.
I thought I had not much problems but then again I was never much of a leader. I loved to follow than lead, and it feels like Im being pushed by every angle you could think of even if it is a tiny hidden one. Anyway..... Im doing fantastik! and I am on top of the world!!! ANd I just love it!!!

back to work

I have to get back on my feet. Seems like I've been draggin my feet and just goin with the flow and out of the flow as well. time for bed. Im really not motivated to write at the moment. I need to rest so I can be totally back to normal and fully awake and alert so I can be at my best. I cant even convince myself. I need some sleep and major Gtime. ya. kinda pathetic right now but yes I will face this and win this...... I dont know what to call it but anyway this too shall pass. Nothing ever last forever at least in this world.

Ouch!!

well well what could be new about me? Except that I freakin flipped over the same thing again. I must admit this is one thing I am struggling with. I didnt care less about it when I was at home or here. I just didn't see it coming. This is it- I have to go away!
OK I've talked this over with a couple (2) people and this is my own version of this evil heart of mine.
It all started out with sept 21 which was a day of rememberance of what I had done in my life 5 years back. I was just angry at myself for making a big mistake and not listening to myself. I was very weak at that time I would say and nothing else could change me except for the words that said I love you and I want to marry you. So! I was there just angry for the first time ever about me and not about the other anymore. I was reallly hating me and could not stand being around people and so after soaking others...... I went to G to see if I could take off for a bit on my own. See I saw Cathy and Sarah talk so I thought I could go by G so he wouldn't ask much and maybe he would say yes, but he said no and had a good reason. So what do I do? Well I go to Mandy to see if I could help her so I won't have to go to 'soaking' because I was just angry and just didn't want to be around others. So minutes went by and now Cathy is free and so I head in to see if she would let me go out for a while til 4 and she said ok, and I said something like you might understand cause G had said no, so now she turns and says well I can't say yes now since he already said no. I wanted to be honest but not too honest but if I wasn't then it would be a lie or some sort of deceit. Im not sure if I am using the right word, but anyway. That day's answer was NO! in a nice way of course and I was just furious and by 10 to 4 I slipped out thinking it should be fine now that the soaking thing is almost over. I was informed that I could not leave til 5 when I am done but I just wouldn't. So I took off for 5 minutes or so and just sat in my car in a parking lot basically hating myself and just really unhappy. I had no choice but to go back and be in the building at least til 5 and then take off again. So that was that. I went and left again til 6pm because I had to meet up with someone. My anger subsided but I was not pleasantly myself or happy. Then Mandy asked me if I wanted to join with her to shop and so I go and chill and let my feelings on the low side and stay still. I did shop but more or less to comfort me and so that is let's just say another 'issue'. It feels good but not for too long. Next thing I find out - my friends from home are here. what do they ask? won't you stay with us for the night? So in my heart I know I shouldn't or a gut feeling that I should say no, but it just seemed perfect to ask Sarah as she was only about 25 feet away from me at the church. A thought went very fast and went somethin like -hmm escape? and just ignored it. I went over to see her and asked and she agrees and says it would be fine, but be back for 9 for worship. I even tried to push it for 10, but NO! Anyway, the evening with them was ok. My heart was still not settled and at this point I don't care because it's near bedtime and off we went to sleep at the hotel and it was mawvelous!!! ya, sure! Anyway on my way back the next morning, my heart was convicted as we approached the building and I was not too thrilled to be back. I came back and knew sometime during the day that I would have to talk to Cathy but I was just not in the mood and a bit scared. But sure enough it came to pass in the early hours of the morning or seemed like it that she invited me into her office.
So confrontation -just not good for me at that point but did good in the end. I broke trust I had with them and the overwhelming feeling of just ahhhhh I just failed and I will never have back what I had or I have to work my way back into this and it will be HARD. But anyway it had to be said and done. I felt HORRibLe. See how selfish I was and just totally went out 'my' way and totally dishonored my leaders and tried to deceive them and manipulated them and erased the thought of 'they're my leaders' and just did my own thing miss independant and I will do this on my own. Get the picture of how deceitful and evil the heart can be. Interesting isn't it? I was good all this time without trying but this time I totally blew it. Truth has come out. I want my way! I did it again!! and it was a surprise and I just wasn't aware how much dirt I have in me. When it gets tough, I want out and that was the plan. Go away and so that it was. It was just such an awful day for me. Of course they forgave me as the right thing to do, but it just not easy to accept that right then and there. know what I mean? I thought if people didn't care about me, this would not be a big deal, but i know love is what made the difference. Of course this will take time to be trusted again but I guess these are consequences of my own foolishness. I get what I deserve and I think I can accept that. I don't know why I have to learn the hard way. Perhaps I am still very stubborn and selfish and I know I still struggle with pride. Anyway past two days have not been the greatest ever. So what did I do this evening? It's just meaningless to say, but anyway...
So ya what a thrill! It was such a drag and it's so weird to be in this predicament and to know tha I am a sgl and not a student anymore makes a huge difference. Darn it! I just hope I will outgrow this thing out of me.
I laughed when they mentioned of me running off when they asked me to stay on a year couple months ago, but seriously this ain't no laughing matter anymore. It's just plain serious and who would have thought it would hit so early? Strange how lil things we struggle with seem so huge after the action has taken place. Ouch!

heck!

yup..one of those days....actually once a year more like it. It's just frustrating and Im angry at myself and I need to sit and just be real with myself but I don't have the time right now... But I guess I'll make time sometime tomorrow. 5 4 3 2 1 shutdown!
now out with friends from home. cool! escape? perhaps but its a good one. It's a treat.

S H F

Seek his face night was interesting. It was good. I find that when we gather to meet him, we shouldn't expect him to come the same way every time, at least that is what I learned tonight. If we did that all the time, we'd have a one track mind and if he showed up differently than that would offend us right? Not necessarily to everyone, but to some. Im sure you get the picture. Ya, it was different and very good.
Ok this is where the yukky stuff comes out, but I will be vulnerable cause it does set one more freeer. While the music was going on and Peter went to set out the bongos I think thats what they are. Anyway everyone got to dance and jump, cry out to God and how ever else people engaged. And so I approached the bongos and I love to tap on my legs usually and this time it was actually fun to do this thing on the bongos. Anyway, the more time I was on it, I was listening to the beat and then this thought came...hmmm ok, I dont like this but hey let's be honest -i wonder if others see that I could play good. And then it hit me and I just slowly got off of them and I laid on the floor. And I said to papa why? I was not feeling guilty, but I wasn't happy about it and I felt very safe to admit to him that I felt that in my heart. Weird, but good let me tell ya. I expressed to him I know that I get like that and asked'why am I like that?'. I know it hits me from time to time and it's so cool how he responded and his answer was, you don't need to get others for attention, You have all my attention, my undivided attention. And right then and there, I just broke because I never thought or known that there were times in my life I wanted to get attention when I couldn't get it from my parents. Interesting isn't it? I don't have to do something to be seen. Know what I mean? I'm amazed tonight actually and I met my dad in a new way. It's almost like I'm getting more comfortable with him being my dad and Im getting to the point where I can freely speak out and not fear him and feel condemned. I know that there is reverent fear and all that, but I've never had an encounter such as this one. It was different. Im still processing this stuff. So all this stuff is freshly off the press, so ya... It's been really good and life changing for me. I got the greatest dad. I need to go pray now.

Monday!

So Monika and I decided to go out and eat. Boston Pizza is not a bad place and not so expensive as I thought or heard I should say and I recommend that you go to the bar cause they have special appetizers that they offer only in the bar and you could get it at a lower price/deal. I dont mean to be cheap, but you know how it is, everyone likes to save. So ya, it's a good place to go and do whatever.
Then off to the stores and I still couldnt find a hoody that isn't so loungy lookin or too casual. SOmethin you can wear as a nice thing/relax in it. So where do I go but to the Lord? Yes maybe I can actually pray where to go or would that be too spriritual? That could save me time and maybe money as well.
We had fun and that's what counts. Spending time with Monika can always be fun and crazy. so...........................
My next mission is to go shoppin sometime soon. ok
i must lay this temple at rest.

Monday!

So Monika and I decided to go out and eat. Boston Pizza is not a bad place and not so expensive as I thought or heard I should say and I recommend that you go to the bar cause they have special appetizers that they offer only in the bar and you could get it at a lower price/deal. I dont mean to be cheap, but you know how it is, everyone likes to save. So ya, it's a good place to go and do whatever.
Then off to the stores and I still couldnt find a hoody that isn't so loungy lookin or too casual. SOmethin you can wear as a nice thing/relax in it. So where do I go but to the Lord? Yes maybe I can actually pray where to go or would that be too spriritual? That could save me time and maybe money as well. But we had fun and that's what counts.
My next mission is to go shoppin sometime soon. ok
i must lay this temple at rest.

MOst ranDom tHoughTs

well well well, this weekend was sweet. I have a poem. The sky was dark as I stepped out to see what the day's weather would be like. I see the man on the bike and made me wonder does he even know how to hike.

Ever have those days when some more money comes in to your account. Interestingly it has happened again. Most times I am sure when it will come and other times I don't know where the money comes from but amazingly I always find out where it has come from. I'm my dad's favorite and I heard recently that is why I am highly favored. Think I'm a spoiled brat? I think not. I say loved.
House/teen sitting! I have not done that in a long time. Funny to see two sibblings at each other's throats. No not really. One's just being silly and the other a lil more mature and try to balance that out. One gets annoyed and other couldnt care less. It's a funny picture at least to me. I am not sure if I am doing a good job at this because the yelling (from time to time) doesn't seem to bother me at all. One making weird noises couldn't bother me and other tries to shut the other one up. It's quite funny. So the question is, am I responsible? I dont know. I would believe I am. Am I being fair to them? hope so...Should I step in because I find it amusing and just enjoy the love between a brother and a sister. O well I think I did my part just being around. I almost forgot the crepes in the oven for dinner. Nothing was burnt whatsoever, but just the fact I was using an oven was abnormal and almost unadjustable. Caferia lifestyle has sure taken its toll on me.
I was at my most weirdest moods this past weekend. It's somewhat disturbing to me at times. I think it could be trying to adjust to this new lifestyle I guess. I don't even know if I can say lifestyle. Living here is different for sure and not being a 'real' student is quite interesting. I find I'm still struggling in some areas.
I really like having conversations with others especially one on one and it's been a while than I've done that. I think I need to be real with someone before the weird/funny/strange comes out of my skin. I got rid of my blonde streak and have gone totally indian now. Never mind tryin to be hmmm white. hey is that a proper term or word? Am I politically correct? Anyway I'm not tryin to be one. I just thought Id go for another new trend. PEOPLE, meet the indian gothic fawnsita. imagine that, and who would have thought? Actually, Ive just turned black, that's all. LOL..hmmm I don't know if I am making sense at all, but Im sure there's a few that will understand.
I had this nasty dream and I don't think I would even want to write it let alone think and ponder on it. It's just disturbing. Ya let's just put it like that. I wish I had the wonderful skill of dream interpretation though, but I guess I could do that if I practiced. hmmmm... man I don't even know if I even make any sense.
I was talking to my friend Ilisapi the other night and how I long to see her again. You know the kind of friendships where you can just be all over about multiple subjects and always get to a point and understand and laugh and cry and yell and squirm because it is just so part of the friendship and nothing could take you further away from the true friendship even if miles could do that. Well, anyway it was just special to hear one of my beloved ones. I know I will be returning to see my friends all over the Arctic area and I believe it's just going to be crazy, exciting and so much fun. I miss them and last night I missed them so much that I just cried and cried. It's so funny that I've been crying a lot at night due to some stuff. You know how it is, but it really wrecks your heart and all you could even do more is cry and somehow it just feels better. Ya, sometimes it can get hard and lonely and eating can make it well and that is just stupidity. I need to get my mind on track. Well anyway I must sleep to get all the energy I need for manana and hopefully get all the nutrients I need to proceed even further.

Heart Surgery

Today was quite the day. I didn't expect a whole lot from papa. It wasn't a fun-ny day because how many know that when it comes to stuff that are close to your heart or things in your heart that you are not even aware of and all of a sudden the master of the universe who cares so much touches a tiny part of you that no one else could and, all of a sudden brings it to your memory a picture or scene of your life. Well I had so much going on today. One of the many things that pushed somethin in me was when Faith said about the mother heart of God that when he created Adam n Eve, he created them in his own image meaning that there is a feminine and masculine characters in God. I couldn't quite get this teaching before until today. I don't know where I was last year when they taught this. My mind musta wandered off. Eve=helper and so fascinating that another time we see that is in the N.T. and it's the Holy Spirit who is our helper. How cool can it get? Well I didn't know that to be sensitive and to talk was perfectly fine and that is how we most females are made and men like into facts and we so need each other to balance one another. Ok, so we went on to forgiving men/male gender and vice versa. Well that was quite intense. We all cried and cried and cried some more. Anyway my story goes somethin like this...
Growin up, I had several men sexually abuse and it hit me that, I was only wanted for that and nothin else mattered about me. I looked pretty good to be used. I think I must have had a sign on me sayin abuse me why don't you. I thought I dont want to carry that anymore. During high school, I was always cheated on and so I would just dump the guy who was supposedly my boyfriend and I did it pretty easily without emotion. Then it hit me again, why was I such a rejected person? The into early adulthood, I went through the same things again and now totally rejected for real. And last spring, I was actually gettin to the point of cutting myself because I could not bear the thought of being wanted by God and I just could not handle being close with others let alone God and here I was tryin to get closer to him but I couldn't. So all these things came crumbling down on me. And so what could I do except ball which was the perfect thing to do and then forgive. It was pretty messy and this only half way through the morning. I'm only saying some things here because it could take way too long so I'm leaving details out. Break time and I really needed time out. Off to the lounge. For some reason I always need to be alone after high intensity... That's how I work and move along.
So now onto mother / baby session. what on earth could that bring now? I was perfectly fine. I did deal with some stuff already with my mom, so Im ok now. Right? Apparently not. I did catch myself puttin my walls up and I wondered why and I remembered my prayer from that morning. I gave permission for papa to touch, heal my heart/life, emotions to see and live n be alive. Kinda dangerous to say such a prayer, but I did. And it was done. So I engaged myself with what was going on and what God wanted to do. That morning I remembered a couple times in my life where I was alone in the house and looking for mom and I couldnt find her and another scene of me trying to hide in the basement so I could find shelter from being abused and still remember to this day thinking, where are you God? See I wasn't in touch with the emotions quite yet. I felt sad and just upset of what happened to me even though it's been a while back. So I got up from the floor and sat on my seat thinking I think Im fine now. My pastor Cathy came over straight at me and I wasn't sure what I was going to do now and to my surprise I broke down as she put her arms around me and held me. I tried my best not to have tears and snots all over her. Who would have thought, Fawnsita would actually need this kind of love. I know I didn't know I needed it, but apparently my dad knew what I needed. It's so weird but good to be in such a vulnerable state like that and there was nothing much to do but cry and receive. And the words she spoke over me were shocking cause I know that she didnt know what I was thinking of and she kept on repeating God found you, papa found you, he found you. man I tell you it was intense because how the heck would she know about these things going on in my head and out of the blue, words my heart that longed to hear, I heard them softly spoken to me. Maybe I wasn't really longing to hear them but it's like sometimes you just don't know what you want to hear or see, but somewhere in the middle God knows what to say through his sons and daughters. There is much more to this but that's it for now. Im telling you, I've not had an intense day as this day.
I would usually allow God to touch one thing in my heart and that was it for me. One thing at a time please God Lord have mercy was my moto and I didn't want more because it's quite painful to go through things you thought you'd never have to think about it or even get in touch with your feelings. All my life I've not felt actually supported and I could actually feel it today and it was like I think I have something in me that I don't see, but there is something good and I know Im worth a lot, but it was like another layer of worth being instilled in my heart. To have someone believe in you is a major thing for me right now, because of lots of reason but I wont list them. Someone believes in me. And I find that soooo cool. It's almost like hey I can do more, I think I can go very far way beyond my expectations.
Man this heart surgery is painful and now I must take it easy. I am so happy to have gone through this because I know I'm in such a good, tender, loving place. It's been worth it.

Awards Night

This is how it went. It's end of school year and I must have been informed that I was going to get award that evening. That evening, I went home to get 'dressed up' and this is a dressed up version of the lil one. She gets this yellow blouse that covers both front and back in a like umm half moon shape blouse with a pair of this bright nice green colored pants and over the blouse is a super bright pink belt. Purty shnazzyyy... And so the night came and sure enough I was called up twice to get my award. I probably got a book or something that would encourage me to be more studious. Anyway, prior to going to the evening event. What was it like getting dressed up when no one was around? I thought so what? Why is this memory crashing in through my brains. I thought I would understand, but for some reason my cells are not working very hard today, but I presume it's gotta be something deeper than I know. Where was my dad in this? I don't know. I don't know where my mom was and I do think she was with me at the gym waiting for me to get on stage to get my great reward, but where was my dad? I don't know if he came along to celebrate. So this scene floods in, but I have lost the emotions that was supposed to include in it. So now, I kinda get the feeling of what the heck is going came in today. I found my way out of the maze. But I don't know why this funny memory comes in. I wonder and I can't seem to get it. I'm purty sure it's very simple, but anyway I guess I'll just enjoy the adventure of finding some treasures that are rare and weird, but very interesting to see the outcome of it all.

HUH?

You know one of those days, you're like what the heck is goin on?? Well, those are one of those days in the advventurous life of the indian girl lost in the maze. She's doing mighty fine though. These days do come and they go forever. I think, but I could be wrong. I've been known to be wrong. Well then, let's get the heck on out of here...........................................................................................

wise men say only fools...

I felt love & loved today. First of all, Gordon came to me just for sake of giving me a hug and I was just surprised and it was just so nice to feel -a papa's love. You could say that was a prophetic move because that morning, all I could feel was love even when no one was near me. It was just beautiful. It's somewhat hard to describe love at times. You feel it and you don't see at times and interestingly you can say that it is just beautiful and leaves you speechless. Ya my day was very special. For a while I felt as though I could love everyone in the building. He loved us all and he poured into my lil heart and then I felt this love pouring out of me for others. And as I envisioned myself saying I love you to everyone around me, he in return told me that is what he does to me. He will tell every one that he loves me.
I'm so loved it's incredible and I love...

S G L

Small group leader is what I am at this moment in time for a year. What could I possibly say? Sgling is fun and interesting, very interesting and may I add another very in there. It's just full of surprises. It's only been less than a week and so far and I believe that I will love my girls for life. I still find it funny to say "my". Do I really own these girls? Not really but I think I can easily adopt them. I have 7 girls under my wing. That's a scary thought in the natural, but I think my dad actually entrusted me to have them in my life at this time. Purty kool huh? I think so.
So I been learning some stuff already. I've got to pray. You think everyone does that. But seriously and honestly, this is where I pray for others now. It's not me myself and I and my loved ones especially family now, but it's the girls in my lil circle. That's purty huge for someone such as I. Because the whole world evolved around me and now I have to share and it's not much about me anymore. Kinda sad, but I'll get over it. Grief does come and goes away forever. I think. It's also a time to speak over life and destiny on a daily basis over the girls and still right now I'm not sure if it's the same thing over and over everyday or add spice to it to make it more tastier, for me or others? good question I don't know. It's a huge matter.

I only met them once for 2 hours last Friday and it was very worthwhile just being with them. I tried my best to be serious and I did succeed but I failed a few times. I couldn't resist pulling a joke here and there. It was all good, nothin too dramatic that would make the girls run away from my presence. I'm actually really excited about them and see the change as months go by. I know that they will change dramatically. Well, I dunno...but anyway I believe they will leave here deeply impacted by what they learn and mostly experience here and I am so glad to be part of their lives. Isn't that just the most amazing gift? Goodness how sweet can that get? I'm lovin it! One of them is actually excited to meet up again and so am I. I want to look cool but (not like I have it all together cool), but relaxed cool and not overly excited scared that I may turn off someone that I may not truly know at heart yet. Know what I mean? Anyway few of you may. Sometimes I can get very excited and some can not handle it and... I don't think I should care less. It's my own feeling of joy and I will express the way I am. Kool, well I just think I just got a revelation of that. Well someone say Praise the Lord!!!

I got to sit and chat with my mentor. I have to keep this on a low profile since she is highly wanted and needed and Yes! I have her in my life and I just love her. I know she loves me dearly and I am looking forward to meet with her and have times of questioning and emailing as months roll by. There will be more times to update and stuff with her, and so this week, she took me out for lunch, how fun is that? and I just basically talked about moose meat and shared about my experiences here already. You know important/fun stuff. Ya, it's such an exciting thing for me about this since I was a person of I can do all things on my own strenght and I am the ultimate miss independant woman, but loads of it has changed, but it's still going to be a challenge, but I want it and I know I need it as well. So yea, another so many interesting things going on in my life. Yes, life is indeed beautiful and why don't we make it more wonderful!!ful!ful!

Ok Thursday night, we had our first social and Manuel, Hannah and I are on the Social Committee. Any comments or suggestions can be emailed at us. Anyway, our theme for the evening was "Blasted Into The Future". ooooooooo Sounds deep and very spiritual doesn't it? Well not really, we had thrown off our highly spiritual cloaks and put on some garments of pure joy. We all dressed as Old Folks and of course I had to make it very special and so I went to VV boutique and bought a nice black n blue checkered dress and looked the BEST. You know how it is... I was very good looking I must say with the cutest butt and added some other stuff. Some of you may understand the butt situation. I just loved it and so did the sgl girls. The group was very enthusiastic about the whole night and it was indeed fun and crazy and you get to see some stuff in other people's masks. It's fun to watch. Niki did great being the M.C. as she used a southern accent, but she's from North Carolina. She's my roomate. We played games and the all time favorite poo dunk was made by me, Phil and I can't remember who, but it was nasty! The games/dances were fun and could have gone on and on But we ended with "all the things that I've done..." by the Killers. Of course it's never the same without my school. Overall, it was not perfectly well planned out but worked out perfectly with the help of everyone.... Teamwork=Success! ok I will try not to be mathematical here. I'm sure you know what I mean.

It's been two Sundays in a row now that we went to eat at this nice place called 'Spring Roll'. I've been there once before with Andrea and other peeps I can't recall at this moment, but last sunday we...let me name them all. All girls from my school, Susan, Shannon, Alysha, Melissa, Hannah, Jenny and I went to eat and had.... funtimes!! It was special I must say. Susan's sisters joined us later on. It's really a nice place to go. I highly recommend you to go. The this evening after Central, we all sgls and Jon Boerger joined to share the joys of having Jack in our lives. He's now a man and no longer a teeny man. So now, my plan is only to go there on special days/evenings. I'd like to go there on a real date once or twice with the man of my dreams. shhh. Don't spread the word people. I think there is someone. I should shut my mouth. I am not allowed to date so I should leave it like that. So there will be no more further things to comment on this. zip! I meant to conclude that Spring Roll is only reserved for special moments in my life. Say if I mastered over eating, I would go there to indulge myself. That didn't quite make any sense. Yea, sometimes I do catch myself doing that. It's a fawnsita thing.
I think I must go up and rest as I may really need it this week. It's now father heart week with a couple from England. (Dalys) I love the accent and I get to host them! cool!! anyway bedtime calls!

success!!

Oh how I love this. Man there is no other kind of love of mine than this... the love of writing. I don't know if I can say this passion has been in there all my life, but it's what I love. Cool!! Anyhoop, so I have this urgency today to buy myself a nice fitted black jeans and I tried on a pair and did I ever look nice in it, BUT you know how it is, there is always a lil somethin somethin wrong with it. Ya my legs are kinda short, so sad to say I didnt get to buy them. I went home slightly saddened but not quite. Not a big deal. The story really, is... I missed my friend today. Do I have to say the words? Do I have to tell the truth? nahnahnah Do I have to shout it loud? Yea, it was Andrea. And by the way that was an ol song from Bryan Adams, I think. See on a typical saturday, we'd do things on the spur of the moment. So I had planned on reading in bed today and stretch my scholastic mind brain cells, but the naggin thought of I have to go buy stuff at H&M at Yorkdale. So off we go as we listened to Kanye West.. Let's go Abi. So ya I bought a set of clothes and jewelry of course and I ended my time there with sushi....just like ol times. I miss you really. O ya, Abi is the name of my car. It's kinda weird at times not having a true good friend around, but you know Im learning to trust my dad even more. I know he's taking care of my need or starvation of some real friendship. I talk to him and it can get funny, but it'd be cool to see him face to face. I love deep conversations and at times it goes into like psychological and or spiritual stuff and it gets even more interesting. Know what I mean? So ya my day was good and kinda lonely but not like hard core lonely. Life is very purty. My friend Mandy just walked on me.... hmmm. I just wanted to use that term. ANyhoop I must get off the computer. gnite

Friday Nite

So it's Friday and I have free time and it's like, I don't know what to do with myself with all this free time. Time is ticking but it's not bothering me and I could have another cup of a grande macchiato 1% with extra caramel because I just seem... not sweet enough. Then again, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am sweet enough. I was just filling some space. Ok why don't I leave and just explore some stuff. So anyway I will be back. I just really want to see what this will look like on the screeen.