Heart Surgery

Today was quite the day. I didn't expect a whole lot from papa. It wasn't a fun-ny day because how many know that when it comes to stuff that are close to your heart or things in your heart that you are not even aware of and all of a sudden the master of the universe who cares so much touches a tiny part of you that no one else could and, all of a sudden brings it to your memory a picture or scene of your life. Well I had so much going on today. One of the many things that pushed somethin in me was when Faith said about the mother heart of God that when he created Adam n Eve, he created them in his own image meaning that there is a feminine and masculine characters in God. I couldn't quite get this teaching before until today. I don't know where I was last year when they taught this. My mind musta wandered off. Eve=helper and so fascinating that another time we see that is in the N.T. and it's the Holy Spirit who is our helper. How cool can it get? Well I didn't know that to be sensitive and to talk was perfectly fine and that is how we most females are made and men like into facts and we so need each other to balance one another. Ok, so we went on to forgiving men/male gender and vice versa. Well that was quite intense. We all cried and cried and cried some more. Anyway my story goes somethin like this...
Growin up, I had several men sexually abuse and it hit me that, I was only wanted for that and nothin else mattered about me. I looked pretty good to be used. I think I must have had a sign on me sayin abuse me why don't you. I thought I dont want to carry that anymore. During high school, I was always cheated on and so I would just dump the guy who was supposedly my boyfriend and I did it pretty easily without emotion. Then it hit me again, why was I such a rejected person? The into early adulthood, I went through the same things again and now totally rejected for real. And last spring, I was actually gettin to the point of cutting myself because I could not bear the thought of being wanted by God and I just could not handle being close with others let alone God and here I was tryin to get closer to him but I couldn't. So all these things came crumbling down on me. And so what could I do except ball which was the perfect thing to do and then forgive. It was pretty messy and this only half way through the morning. I'm only saying some things here because it could take way too long so I'm leaving details out. Break time and I really needed time out. Off to the lounge. For some reason I always need to be alone after high intensity... That's how I work and move along.
So now onto mother / baby session. what on earth could that bring now? I was perfectly fine. I did deal with some stuff already with my mom, so Im ok now. Right? Apparently not. I did catch myself puttin my walls up and I wondered why and I remembered my prayer from that morning. I gave permission for papa to touch, heal my heart/life, emotions to see and live n be alive. Kinda dangerous to say such a prayer, but I did. And it was done. So I engaged myself with what was going on and what God wanted to do. That morning I remembered a couple times in my life where I was alone in the house and looking for mom and I couldnt find her and another scene of me trying to hide in the basement so I could find shelter from being abused and still remember to this day thinking, where are you God? See I wasn't in touch with the emotions quite yet. I felt sad and just upset of what happened to me even though it's been a while back. So I got up from the floor and sat on my seat thinking I think Im fine now. My pastor Cathy came over straight at me and I wasn't sure what I was going to do now and to my surprise I broke down as she put her arms around me and held me. I tried my best not to have tears and snots all over her. Who would have thought, Fawnsita would actually need this kind of love. I know I didn't know I needed it, but apparently my dad knew what I needed. It's so weird but good to be in such a vulnerable state like that and there was nothing much to do but cry and receive. And the words she spoke over me were shocking cause I know that she didnt know what I was thinking of and she kept on repeating God found you, papa found you, he found you. man I tell you it was intense because how the heck would she know about these things going on in my head and out of the blue, words my heart that longed to hear, I heard them softly spoken to me. Maybe I wasn't really longing to hear them but it's like sometimes you just don't know what you want to hear or see, but somewhere in the middle God knows what to say through his sons and daughters. There is much more to this but that's it for now. Im telling you, I've not had an intense day as this day.
I would usually allow God to touch one thing in my heart and that was it for me. One thing at a time please God Lord have mercy was my moto and I didn't want more because it's quite painful to go through things you thought you'd never have to think about it or even get in touch with your feelings. All my life I've not felt actually supported and I could actually feel it today and it was like I think I have something in me that I don't see, but there is something good and I know Im worth a lot, but it was like another layer of worth being instilled in my heart. To have someone believe in you is a major thing for me right now, because of lots of reason but I wont list them. Someone believes in me. And I find that soooo cool. It's almost like hey I can do more, I think I can go very far way beyond my expectations.
Man this heart surgery is painful and now I must take it easy. I am so happy to have gone through this because I know I'm in such a good, tender, loving place. It's been worth it.