DISCOVERY

So I learnt that if suppressed anger (for example) for twenty years has been in there and never been dislodged. How does that look like now? If I say a tiny prayer of I forgive myself and seems like it's not working at all... then I have to find a way how it does come out.
Growing up in a nice christian home is always nice and at times too nice and you can't tell what's wrong when something is really right. Interesting isn't it? at least I think so. If I tried real hard to recall any moment in my life growin up where I seen anger, that is impossible because I could swear but I won't, I have not seen that growin up. I don't really know what life was like growing up. Then again Im one of them people who barely have memories of childhood. Its so fascinating though. I think mom and dad were pretty average busy people but not extreme and I have no clue what it was like if there was tension. Im pretty sure there was but I have not a single memory of it. This could be good and very bad I think. Seeing that I never seen anger expressed...seein? I know, it doesnt make sense, but if I did not see that, how am I suppose to handle this feeling that I feel now? I feel as though I want to know psychologically than to emotionally express it. I find it more fascinating to explore that area rather than letting it out. No I dont want a method on how to release anger, but Im just curious how this mind works.

I heard this saying before "wooden indians" and you do see a totem pole or a picture of an indian and you will hardly ever see one with a smile. Makes me wonder if I adopted this silly thing right into my culture without even being aware of it. I find it harder to verbally express to others but not so much on paper which is great cause I believe God gave me this good mental writing ability so I can do what I do now. I feel as though it's not really my culture to freely outwardly express and I was informed twice 2x this week that I may be wrong in that area. It never crossed my mind how the british people are and how hard it must be to be proper 24/7 (pardon me) and even more if you were a christian. Please take no offense. Im just goin on this new discovery myself. Makes me wonder even more and I'm so curious, how am I suppose to express anger in a healthy way? Of course you go and vent and scream and whatnot. But Im just totally not like that. At least that is my own personal opinion and I dont want to adapt to someone else's method or ways of expressing. know what I mean? This is very interesting to me now. Now the question lies beneath the lines, should I go and journal and see what may come out of it? It kinda makes me nervous honestly. What does that look like? I know I swear to stuff and not at people from time to time when Im very upset of something and me. My natural way of responding to anger is withdraw, go for a ride, don't talk because my feeling will subside in due time. BUT then there's that thing again goin in circles... here we go again. So the anger just gets cluttered as my dad put it this morning. ANd I can easily rebel and at times I love that because it's just easy to passby so fast and no one can catch you at times and nothing seems to matter at least for a short time. and then again, it's the same ol feeling again and this time it's thicker and yet dormant and I guess it just grows and grows and you collapse...that's even more scarier. O God! I think I need to go and let my feeling rise to the surface where it actually overflows. yes more lord............... oops ... so hard not to be sarcastic at times. It's only a mask. Well onto this new discovery now..................................................................