Ouch!!

well well what could be new about me? Except that I freakin flipped over the same thing again. I must admit this is one thing I am struggling with. I didnt care less about it when I was at home or here. I just didn't see it coming. This is it- I have to go away!
OK I've talked this over with a couple (2) people and this is my own version of this evil heart of mine.
It all started out with sept 21 which was a day of rememberance of what I had done in my life 5 years back. I was just angry at myself for making a big mistake and not listening to myself. I was very weak at that time I would say and nothing else could change me except for the words that said I love you and I want to marry you. So! I was there just angry for the first time ever about me and not about the other anymore. I was reallly hating me and could not stand being around people and so after soaking others...... I went to G to see if I could take off for a bit on my own. See I saw Cathy and Sarah talk so I thought I could go by G so he wouldn't ask much and maybe he would say yes, but he said no and had a good reason. So what do I do? Well I go to Mandy to see if I could help her so I won't have to go to 'soaking' because I was just angry and just didn't want to be around others. So minutes went by and now Cathy is free and so I head in to see if she would let me go out for a while til 4 and she said ok, and I said something like you might understand cause G had said no, so now she turns and says well I can't say yes now since he already said no. I wanted to be honest but not too honest but if I wasn't then it would be a lie or some sort of deceit. Im not sure if I am using the right word, but anyway. That day's answer was NO! in a nice way of course and I was just furious and by 10 to 4 I slipped out thinking it should be fine now that the soaking thing is almost over. I was informed that I could not leave til 5 when I am done but I just wouldn't. So I took off for 5 minutes or so and just sat in my car in a parking lot basically hating myself and just really unhappy. I had no choice but to go back and be in the building at least til 5 and then take off again. So that was that. I went and left again til 6pm because I had to meet up with someone. My anger subsided but I was not pleasantly myself or happy. Then Mandy asked me if I wanted to join with her to shop and so I go and chill and let my feelings on the low side and stay still. I did shop but more or less to comfort me and so that is let's just say another 'issue'. It feels good but not for too long. Next thing I find out - my friends from home are here. what do they ask? won't you stay with us for the night? So in my heart I know I shouldn't or a gut feeling that I should say no, but it just seemed perfect to ask Sarah as she was only about 25 feet away from me at the church. A thought went very fast and went somethin like -hmm escape? and just ignored it. I went over to see her and asked and she agrees and says it would be fine, but be back for 9 for worship. I even tried to push it for 10, but NO! Anyway, the evening with them was ok. My heart was still not settled and at this point I don't care because it's near bedtime and off we went to sleep at the hotel and it was mawvelous!!! ya, sure! Anyway on my way back the next morning, my heart was convicted as we approached the building and I was not too thrilled to be back. I came back and knew sometime during the day that I would have to talk to Cathy but I was just not in the mood and a bit scared. But sure enough it came to pass in the early hours of the morning or seemed like it that she invited me into her office.
So confrontation -just not good for me at that point but did good in the end. I broke trust I had with them and the overwhelming feeling of just ahhhhh I just failed and I will never have back what I had or I have to work my way back into this and it will be HARD. But anyway it had to be said and done. I felt HORRibLe. See how selfish I was and just totally went out 'my' way and totally dishonored my leaders and tried to deceive them and manipulated them and erased the thought of 'they're my leaders' and just did my own thing miss independant and I will do this on my own. Get the picture of how deceitful and evil the heart can be. Interesting isn't it? I was good all this time without trying but this time I totally blew it. Truth has come out. I want my way! I did it again!! and it was a surprise and I just wasn't aware how much dirt I have in me. When it gets tough, I want out and that was the plan. Go away and so that it was. It was just such an awful day for me. Of course they forgave me as the right thing to do, but it just not easy to accept that right then and there. know what I mean? I thought if people didn't care about me, this would not be a big deal, but i know love is what made the difference. Of course this will take time to be trusted again but I guess these are consequences of my own foolishness. I get what I deserve and I think I can accept that. I don't know why I have to learn the hard way. Perhaps I am still very stubborn and selfish and I know I still struggle with pride. Anyway past two days have not been the greatest ever. So what did I do this evening? It's just meaningless to say, but anyway...
So ya what a thrill! It was such a drag and it's so weird to be in this predicament and to know tha I am a sgl and not a student anymore makes a huge difference. Darn it! I just hope I will outgrow this thing out of me.
I laughed when they mentioned of me running off when they asked me to stay on a year couple months ago, but seriously this ain't no laughing matter anymore. It's just plain serious and who would have thought it would hit so early? Strange how lil things we struggle with seem so huge after the action has taken place. Ouch!