Day 11

One of my best Saturdays so far! Fresh blueberry pancakes to kick off the day! All packed and set to go hunting for the day! Was a successful hunt! It was cool chilling with my Webb brothers all day! 

Day 10

Loved my Friday morning run! This day I finally made the time to go see my girlfriends and chill and finally exchange the gifts! 

I was actually happy to install and set up Ed's mini iPad after 4 or 5 unsuccessful tries! Was done at 3:30 or so :) nerd! Yay!

Day 9

I was shocked about my record time at 27 minutes 50 seconds but now I've come to think of it, I really did push myself.  Throughout the holidays I ran 35 min knowing that's approximately 5k. My mom's treadmill doesn't have a fancy one so I had to do my calculations and keep running. I can actually run 5k under 30 minutes. My best record was 24 minutes and 37 seconds last year in March before goose break. If I can maintain my speed for the next few weeks, 24 minutes should be no problem by spring time. 

I suddenly felt very social after my workout!

We went to a birthday party. The last time we went to Leslie's party was last year and we were late & again this year. It was a nice evening though and then I went to see Cindy for a short visit and deliver her gifts!

Had a couple highlights! 

Day 8

The most exciting part of the days as entering the fitness centre! It was like going home. I only wanted to run. So I did my 5k. My routine is taking place. 

Drastic change in me. I'm looking foward to staying put and not travel, so I can keep up with my fitness regime :) burn baby burn!! 1180km to go this year!!

Day 7

I was more or less walking to work as a zombie and worked as a I don't know who works very slow and without motivation! Lack of sleep was all there was to my day! Fell asleep on the couch. I now switched to my bed! Off to more sleep! Bonne nuit!

Day 6

The stress of leaving home and packing. Always a manic day when it comes to travel day. The house was spic and span when we left. 

The expectation is there and I always feel the need to do a major clean up. It's been always done like it and it is stressful. There was a snow storm warning but that didn't stop me from leaving a super clean house. Why oh why though? It's stuck with me. I think! Mr clean was out, Murphy for wood floors was out, disinfectant for the washroom was out, another product for the toilet bowl, laundry detergent was used for laundry, anti bacterial thing for the ceramic floors & it goes on and on. Vacuum, sweep and mop all the floors. Rid of all garbage. 5 hours later, onto the road north at 3:45pm. 

Gookum came with us! She prayed for our trip into the storm and we made it safely with a lot of snowdrifts along the way which felt like we were on a boat. Thank God for his protection and goodness we didn't get stuck or my steering didn't get chocked by the amount of snow we flew on! It was a good manic Monday. Arrived in Nemaska at 8:30pm. Left at 9:30 for Chis and made it safely at 4:30am and fell asleep at 6am for my 9 am work. Manic! Yes! 

Day 5

Part of me wishes my parents were here in their home but they had to go to a funeral and another one to go to on Monday. It would have been a good Sunday to end my holidays here with them, but I understand where they need to be. We can't always get what we want.

So on this final day of holiday, I'm going to be cleaning their house. Mama has always left her home spic and span. Grew up like that so I do so as it is routine and kind of expected too. I know it is a good feeling to go home to a nice clean home. I can't wait to have my own home. Well off to clean now. 

Day 4

My special moment was being invited over to my brother's for dinner. My sister is law is a graduate from a cooking program and always makes awesome meals. Surf n Turf was on the menu. That filet mignon was just mouth watering! It was a special night to end the holiday festive season. Leaving my family and head back to work Monday! So who knows when I will see them again but I'm glad we had a good time together one last time this season. I love his family! I got extra love for those kidos :) Edward just loved it all as I couldn't have the lobster tail. It was a good evening!

Day 2

The most special thing that happened today was this. 

Gookum and I :)

Day 3

My most special part of the day was spending time with my niece. We cruised around town after I did my errands and had a really good conversation. She wanted to know about my past relationships if I had any more than one. So cute. We talked and talked and cruised for at least 3 hours. I loved the heart to heart convos. I'm glad to have had time with her especially at her age when everything is a great matter :)

 Those seem to fade in my life but I hope I can change that this year! She was a great reminder of what is precious in this world. Quality Time :)

Day 1

Nothing unusual today except I did pick up my dad's guitar and hummed a song or two and sang one Cree hymn that my mom and I used to sing together. My dad sang and I played for him which was rather cute. :)

I decided to jog 45 minutes and then watched the winter classic hockey with my my parents. It was cosy day for us all and too cold for someone to be out! -30 something 

I look into my day to find anything that stood out. I tried to understand a math equation. My mind was challenged and it is also settling into the run I will do this year! 1200km in 356 days. Wait a minute, is it really 356 or is it some other number! Oh goodness numbers again anyway I shall end this now! It was a good day on this first of 2014. Looking into what lies ahead of me. Looking and feeling it out! There's gotta be more! Goodnight! -46 but feels like -52? We're not even North Pole here :/

Many pieces from one piece

I've not been heart broken before or ever. From someone that you really love. My heart feels overwhelmed with so many different emotions, it's a little crazy and my head hurts and my eyes are bursting more and more with tears as minutes and hours come and go. I never knew we have a fountain of pain in us... 

This has gotta be a nightmare. Can't be real but these eyes tell me it's real. Letting go of what we had because there are some things in life we can't let go of right now and need to fix, so we save ourselves from more pain, we are separating...

We talked and talked and talked.

We cried.

We held each other like we used to.

We got up like many times before.

We stood and hugged as usual.

We went for a spin like old times.

We held hands like we used to.

We listened to songs we liked.

We cried like never before.

We apologized each other for the wrong words.

We went down by the riverbank like we used to.

He smoked as usual and I smoked like I've never done so with him.

We stood by the water and looked at the moon like before.

We cried.

We held each other. He whispered in my ear "go...if he comes for you".

I cried "noooooo".

We drove to his house like many nights.

We held hands in the car one last time.

I played with his hair one last time like I loved to do.

He grabbed my hand for few last seconds like never before.

We looked at each other crying, he said "this is it? I'm sorry"

I replied "can I hug you one last time?"

We hugged one last time like we used to by his house. 

He kissed my cheek and I kissed him below his ear. 

I whispered "I still love you" he said "love you too".

We didn't let go easily like we used to.

I walked to my car while he stood by the door staring at each other crying.

Both broken hearted as never before, we part...

Is this THE END?

Please say no. These tears must come to an end...

Day 1

I did it! I got up at 6:30am and hit the gym as planned! I almost thought I couldn't do it but I was smart and went to bed early and voila! Well off to enjoy my bed for 7 hours! Goodnight 

Back to routine

So the busy weeks have come to an end slowly but I still need to make another trip south but that won't stop me from starting my morning exercises! Training starts at 6am. Getting up early is one training and then slowly begin cardio and light weight training. I cannot keep being run over time and stress. I must regain control and continue my healthy living and get back to my active lifestyle! So there I said it and shall remain true to my words! I've pondered long and hard enough to push myself to get back in shape as no one will ever push me to gain back my up beat lifestyle :) so goodnight and goodbye lazy ass!!

Swept by time

I thought of one thing well one of the many things on my way home driving alone for 15 hours. And this is it-I need to get back to writing! I have to get to it'

Damn

It just hurts

3:01

Still up with a messed up heart. Back to work in a few hours. How I thank you blogspot for hearing me out! Everyone is asleep and I'm just not sure who would want to stay up with me, although a text would do just miraculously oh so good but I've got to come to my senses and move on.... Right into sleep mode would be smart but this brain isn't feeling tired of doing its own laps in my head. My heart however is getting tired and torn. Sometimes or many times I wish I had someone to love me. I miss loving someone special. Thought it was meant to be, but it's not.
Drove home the other day, to my parents really. And it hit me, this trip is not much exciting. It was the most dreadful and tearful ride to a place called Mistissini. I don't have someone to go 'home' to and just seems meaningless to live here and just want out. Is there any hope out there for me? I hate these bouts of depression that come every year. How can one stay faithful? How can love float aimlessly? Damn....

skipped March?

Time goes a lil too fast for me I’d say. It’s already past mid April and I thought Spring was here, but Winter has returned. We’ve had snow in the last couple of days. I’ve hibernated all weekend long due to a nasty head cold and it is now Tuesday and I’ve not returned to work. I find that this is the only time I get to write or blog or email to friends. So much things consume my time.

I wish I had more time with people though. I have so many hours in the office that it’s getting to me. I dunno how long I will work in an environment like that. I am happy but I don’t see how I can stay there for another year. It’s not so fun I guess. I know not everything is meant to be fun but I know you’re supposed to like what you do so you can be great at it. That is not the case for me.

My brother went to see Oprah last night in Toronto. I was more excited to see him on tv than to see Oprah. Sorry Oprah. And of course his face was on tv. She’s a great and an amazing lady, but I must say my brother is greater fan of her. I thought about it last night how my brother will be among great people of influence and he loves that and it’s totally natural for him too and I on the other hand just love being with my normal day to day friends, not people, my friends. But you can give me Oprah and I will be the one to interrogate her as I love to hear “your story”. But it won’t feel like an interrogation, but may feel like you’re sitting with curious George. :) Heart has always been close to me and to see yours is like sharing the richness of life. This is where the next paragraph starts.

So I met some great people of my kind. Really my own kind. I’ve always been drawn to different nationalities before. But this season, I have found myself meeting people from the great Chisasibi. A Cree community that is the furthest up that you can get to by vehicle that is. There’s another one further up from Chisasibi, but would need to fly up in order to get there. Anyway, in the last 6 months or so, I’ve met more Chisasibi people than any other Cree in our nation and even in Mistissini. I am meeting more of the Crees from Chisasibi that live here for work and some even gotten married here for many years and even more years than I have. I always find that funny. Anyway, meeting these sweet hearts have drawn me to check out what’s happening to my heart again. So I went on an excursion sort of.

Last month, I went to live there for a week and worked from there as well. (I work at a regional head office and now we have offices in just about every community.) Just about every southern Cree doesn’t like going up north to our northern Crees. It’s not like we live so far south, but traveling for hours on the road north isn’t exciting to many and no traffic on the road but a car here and there and no street lights except at the gas station half way to your destination... you get the picture. Anyway, I came in with my bags and groceries and settled in for work. I totally made myself at home. O ya, I forgot to mention that I have a home in Chisasibi. It’s funny how fast I somehow manage to find a home in all the places I’ve been on this earth. Thanks God for looking out for me and taking care of me and placing me in the right homes.
Chisasibi is roughly 700 km away from the nearest town (French town). It takes me roughly 8 hours to get there. That’s traveling on gravel road from my hometown! oh the joys of northern life. The community is populated with 3500 people and mainly Cree and a maybe 100 Inuit people. It’s quite a massive town. The difference I see is that they are much more social people, to some extent more friendlier too. I can’t say Mistissini isn’t as I’ve not lived here long enough, but I know this town is a busy one and everyone doing their own thing. I totally localized myself while my one week stay there with work and going to the gym, off to the store, hanging out with friends at night, checking out local events and participating in them, drove mama to Radisson to get her hair done. I did the whole 9 yards. I loved it. Even as I left to go back to Mistissini, that highway was fun and smiled almost all the way home thinking yea, I could do this and live here and drive long hours. who cares? I love it!

The lovely thing about isolation is it pushes you to be connected with people. These people were all strangers to me and I met one person and met another and so it goes on. We’ve now become friends and a few become family as well. I’m getting to know them more and more as we are now connected through blackberry, texts, facebook and even a phone call. :) technology serves well in these cases. In my hometown, we have an outlet very close to town. Just about anyone can leave south on weekends and come back to work and routine keeps repeating. And with the time flying, there’s barely any time for visiting or ’socializing’ and once weekend rolls around, off we go again to get away from the “rez” life so everyone calls it around here.

So what I’m trying to say is, I love these people. I love the community. I don’t care how bad some may say about it. I find my love is stronger. These people have touched my heart and led more closer and closer each times to them. I miss them and long to be with them. So what did I do? I applied for a job up there. So we shall see what will happen. If the door opens, then fantastic, if not, then another will open. I think it’s time I move on my own and explore the Cree nation where not everyone would like to go! yep! there she goes again! Is this a sign for another significant move? I wonder and i do hope so too. Because why would I be so thrilled about this community? The feeling reminds me of the time I knew I was headed to the Arctic. So we shall and see.

My heart gets excited just thinking about it!

Vancouver or Vancity

Taking a moment to take this in all by myself.
I look at the clouds and blue skies just makes my life perfect. Water just soothes my soul. These boats make me smile without a great big reason. The mountains across the city make me think how beautiful my life is at this second. Every time a find a place of serenity, I always wonder how did I get here and what did I deserve to be here? But I guess I shouldn't even question what God will give me. Whilst in this comfy chair with a warm cup, I'm being serenaded by Adele in this beautiful coffee shop and now I ask myself, what more do I need now? I know there is so much more out there for me, but for now I will take a deep breathe and accept this beautiful blessing called life!

tears are a language?

I noticed that I’ve been crying for two days. not long ones at all, but short ones, but I find them so healing. For some reason, I felt the tears more than I normally do. Almost like they had more meaning to cry. Perhaps all other tears were coming out of pain, but these tears I’ve shed have touched something deep in me and made me appreciate tears because of the sweet release that came with it. I’m intrigued. So if tears are meant to be shed, then so be it. Let them fall. They come out beautifully and bring a sense of satisfaction like none other. Appreciate, embrace, accept and love tears, for they do you real good. Let them fall where they are meant to fall. It’s all on good ground that I am sure. goodnight for now.

wow

I met someone yesterday. I saw perfection. I never felt like this before. It was almost magical, almost indescribable and mesmerizing. I was in awe that a person could reach into my soul and make my heart react. I loved an unseen being for 9 months and I got to hold him yesterday and it was just wow. He touched my heart and melted.
I could say more, but perhaps another time. I need more time to soak this in.

You can't always get what you want

Theme of my life right now. Surrendering to no. I must be honoring and respecting to this.
I'm thinking it's not my season to pursue that one dream... I thought today that maybe I shouldn't have my roots deeply rooted in this region where I kinda call home. So that thought brings me some peace and hope that another door will open in the near future. I find myself that I still won't say my home is blah blah blah but I seem to throw out, I'm originally from Mistissini but moved around and thus more of an outsider... I'm going 35 in a few hours and I find myself with nothing to show of what I've done or accomplished in life. I failed marriage and I got over that and now it's a career I'd like to build upon. Perhaps I should just leave & go to school and get a business degree of some sort. As much as I respect my own leaders, I would rather be my own boss :-) I'm also looking into buying a house, so I can rest my head & say I'm at "home" that would be the greatest day for me.

A dream

I reckon I had a very interesting dream. I had a friend and she jumped into this extremely deep water fall or somehow looked like a hole. I actually landed in the end, but I couldn’t find my friend. Soon after she jumped off, I jumped off too. I see her hit the wall on her way down. I came back to the surface to this auditorium and I could see people looking toward me almost in anticipation... waiting for an event to start and there were three aisles and on each aisle, I seen 3 or 6 men standing as if they got told to freeze from moving further. I went in the back and did this u turn and as I was on the other end believe I was in a small room about to get on the stage or something.... can barely remember the dream... interesting though!

January First Twenty Twelve

I have gone through many emotions today. It's been a good day. I had a couple hours of solitude. I love those times especially in the city. Feeling alone when you’re among city slickers. I hope to pay attention to my emotions this year and actually make a phone call to friends & family. I hope to be more up close & personal. I hope this technology won’t overtake me and digitalize my beloved ones. Everyone deserves time. I will not buy material things to get your love or work my way to get your approval. Time will tell where my heart is and I hope that it will be a display of beauty that I see in you.

2011

I've tried to look back and see what great things I've done in the last 12 months. I can't say I had a great year, but I did change one thing for sure. My exercise habits and has now become a lifestyle which is pretty cool I suppose. I lived in 2 different communities both for 6 months. Where should I move to now? I am anxious to move and live on my own. I've become a trainer which is great for me and the ladies that come to my classes. I've had more training in six months than ever before. I traveled like crazy in the last month. My visit to Quebec city was one of my highlights, we went to hang out with our friend Tina.
I hope it's perfectly ok to say that I don't want 2011 anymore but looking forward to the new year. I reckon my feelings last year as the new year approached, there was nothing exciting to look forward to. I may have been more or less depressed about the new year. However this new year coming, I am actually excited. Who knows why, but I'm so glad this year is about to end.

J O S H U A

My brother celebrates his birthday!! we are now the same age for over a month!! Happy birthday Josh!

Where is it?

More & more I would like own my own place now. Not so much of a great huge house, but a perfect house for me so I can call it my home. Believe it or not, I don't call Mistissini my home or at the house I live atm, I call it the parent's house. It is not my own and I may sound proud, but I can't seem to bring myself to say that I'm going home, but I call it my mom or dad's home.

Is that wrong?

Am I so disconnected that I don't call my hometown home? I've always been considered an outsider, even in my family and I can't blame them. I did move around from one place to another. When I consider that, I prove myself innocent, but when I think of how family oriented I should be, then I am guilty of charge. "She's in her own world" as they used to say. How do we break out of that lifestyle? I want to believe that I am normal and ok with that, but there's something in me that would say I am not at peace with that.

I wouldn't consider myself lost, but travelling miles on end trying to a place to call my home. That's all. I may not fit in the local towns, or communities as I've been told once or twice before. I believe my international heart may take over the ring around me and sending that vibe that I ain't no local, but may be a lil loca as most people have found a place at least for a season anyway.

In a way I am fed up of my "dormitory" lifestyle. I would like to get somewhere and be happy. I am at a place where I will accept where I am, but I may not be necessarily happy of the location I'm at. The pressure builds up when I think of my family and how I should be a good daughter, sister and aunt to my lil beloved ones. But when I think of how they would love to come and visit me, I think they would be proud that I can do it or make it alone out there in the world. I hope they know that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some are meant to be alone and if that would be the case for me, then so be it.

Parents worry I am alone, but I don't understand how they can be as they have seen me pretty independent. Do I look miserable to them?

Anyway, enough said for now!

Beat!

Late nights have beat me up once again and why am I still up at this hour? The weight of tiredness comes in waves, it seems like it has just come & gone. Time is what the struggle is for me at this point in my !Life. Let us run against time :)

my dearest psychologist

where do I begin? I have much to say. First, just want to thank you for hearing me out. I kinda hate that there are still days where I just don't know where to turn to when I desperately want to talk to someone that will listen and suggest ideas and whatnot.
I'm feeling more or less stressed out. work is demanding and home has its expectations as well and I have to bounce because that is my de-stresser outlet.
I question myself, am I cut out for this type of work? it's fun at times, but the political side of it all makes me stop and stare at the screen and wonder what am I supposed to do next? 70% of me wants to doubt that I can do this and the 30% says I may manage to be an expert an managing and organizing 26 peeps.

anyway I am so tired. I must sleep and I hope I am not going to get kicked out of class for not admitting my assignment. I seriously need some time management skills to be sharpened!!

nice new chapter

I am into exercising on the ball now and ended up leading classes n now travel for work... i still wonder what's the next chapter, but I will enjoy what's before me.

To lose

In less than12 months, I lost my mentor. He was an incredible leader. So incredible... He adopted me in my darkest season of my life.That was hard. Really hard... My world was just not the same at all. July 26, I lost grandfather who happened to be the last siblings of all the Iserhoffs. Not only that, he was my only grandfather I ever had. Had a step grandfather but he passed away when I 12, so there no strong ties than I had with noomshoom. I saw my grandpa so ill that my faith was shaken and was angry at God. It was a painful experience. I may need counseling and hope to get some somehow somewhere. And 2 weekends ago, I lost my boarding home papa Sam. Last I seen him was in church and gave me a big hug & a kiss. We talked a bit and how good he was doing after his mild heart attack. Then i get the dreaded phone call. At this point I didn't know what to think or feel. I was just in a numb or shock that I couldn't really process anything. So, I've gone through a.... a time to lose... In all this grief, i know my heart will heal, in due season.

Baby Girl

Couple weeks ago, my cousin Beth asked my brother & I to be godparents to her new born baby. We were both thrilled & honored that they would even consider us since we both don't have any children and not married! We gladly accepted the honor. And now, I have a new responsibility to pray and bless and teach this little being in the ways of God. I think i'll be a good parent and will enjoy this new role in my life. See, let's turn this subject just a bit more to the opposite. I work with a director that deals with life and death emergency situations. And I have to be ready to work outside of working hours, and we work with sad and painful situations. Since I've worked with this department, my heart has become numb to death and the emotions that come with it. I just don't connect emotionally in some ways and that isn't really good. I believe I am to feel with those people that grieve, but these months of community grief has taken its toll on me. In some way, it has been depressing, but this is life... I may not understand why we have funerals just about every month, and that's part of life as we know it... Alas a glimpse of hope came into view. A day ago, I was thinking of, what life did change me? Perhaps change is rather not the perfect word to use. But I know one thing, what impacted my life was the new birthing of a tiny baby who was premature yet made perfectly! And I love her already. I imagine her future so bright! I needed to experience life! Thus I received my blessing! I love my godchild and I will forever be loving to my lil beebs. Thank you Beth, Pat, baby Ny, and mostly God for blessing me a new life to love, cherish and bless!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

goose calls

Crees go wild at this time of the year. I've eaten geese twice now :)

I'm late

I just joined twitter. wonder if it's any worth. I am a 9-5 worker til end of June and we will see where I fall after that. Who knows where I may end up, but I sure hope it will be good. I think that's it for now. til then rest easy.

I see snow

it keeps melting, bit sad. come back whitey.

<,.?>'";{:]\|!)(#*$&%^~`\+=/

It don't make sense.

You know, the only time I seem to release or find myself express how I feel is when I'm alone. I imagined someone coming in to the living room while crying and thought I'd be wiping my tears and not even bother to tell what's going on. It's very strange of me, yes I know and for so long, this is how I lived my life and now I can't seem to break out of it. I did wonder what I would do if Papa came over to sit with me... I think I'd be able to say something, but what would be the outcome of it all. That's where I get stuck.

Anyway, had a strange day the other day. Here's some of what went on.

I got a call from a neighbor at 7 am or so to inform that there were dogs tearing a moose hide just outside our place. Did I care? Was that so important? who knows? Maybe I was supposed to care. Moose hide is good for making mitts and moccasins and what not. He called 3 times only because I couldn't catch the phone or had difficulties answering the phone. click, back to bed.

Breakfast - in go my Eggos. almost a minute later, beep, beep, beep, pop up... too pale for me, round 2, off I go outta the kitchen. Not a minute later, burn them Eggo things. Nothing else to eat so I humbly eat them away

O I got a text! a friend wants to visit. more coffee to brew! it's not often I get a visitor randomly as this is not my home but my parents home.

knock, knock. hello, is your mom here? no! here's a check for your mom. how nice!!! o thank you. bless you :)

Lunch - reheat a slice of pizza from yesterday's leftovers. off I go outta the kitchen. This time for more than 5 minutes. Totally forgot about the thing in the oven. I didn't have much other options of what to eat, so I chewed on a crispy slice and jojo didn't seem to mind it.

O I got a text! a friend wants to come over. what to drink now, let's offer cranberry juice. Sweet times they were.

Dinner - popcorn on the menu. And no, it wasn't burnt. I succeeded!I passed the kitchen tests.

Night activity, my cousin came over to watch glee and a movie from her iPad. At the same time, I also watched Bon Jovi on youtube whilst concerting in NY I think or somewhere in a city and facebooking at the same time and texting. gosh I hate technology sometimes. Well only when I let it overtake me into another world and not being with the person I am with. Today and all week, I will be with jojo. Our family dog. He loves me.

Strange day.

November Sun

Sitting here and there and trying on another spot to find a place of solitude... when and where?

I'm coming up from this valley. It's been quite lonely and difficult, but made it with a gentle loving hand. Some days I feel great and some days it's rather mellow and 'moments' where it's just painful. I'm glad to let it out as I feel these waves of emotions come flooding in and out.
I am no longer overwhelmed. I can do this with a clear head and know that I am not alone...

Sometimes I feel as though epiphanies come once or twice a year now. I may be so disconnected with everyone that I find myself lost, even in myself. I no longer try to connect. Could that be just wrong? I don't want to be selfish. I want to be merry where I am and who I am.

I'll be moving again though, perhaps that is all I need. Another move. Another place to call my home. Another venue. Another self I may find.

Story of my nomadic life!

I love this line-

"you're the only who brings me peace"

shalom

Life Without You

It's rather strange. I cannot get used to not have you here on earth. I know you're in an extremely far better place.

time for update perhaps

Fall has come. time to shop for new clothing, how I love to shop at this time of the year. A time to bundle up and share the love with a cupatea or something warm with friends. Cold drinks and beer are off the list. Time for chai tea. I kinda wish I had a bookstore to go to, not right now but in a couple weeks when I return to the southern parts of Canada, well not so south but you know what I mean.
I am back in the arctic for a couple weeks. It's real nice to be back even though it's just for a very short time. I've really been "happy" to be here once again. It's a different kind of happiness, maybe the word I am looking for is appreciative. I feel or am more aware of the love around me. Not that I was out of it, but routine can take away what's in front of you and what you have. It's like having the key bucket at the door way and never notice how beautiful or dirty it is until you pay attention to the things around you and to the people around you. Thank you arctic :)
I'm exploring a new venture... I am surprised that this would actually excite me. I never thought this would cause me to be passionate about. I guess I thought I'd always know what I want and will do. But I found that the circumstances that I've been and the people that i have been with this past summer, have caused me to realise that something new in me or was there but may have been dormant and now has come to "life". I never thought I'd be really interested in business or owning or being part of a company. All I know for sure is that I couldn't see myself working under an employer for a lifetime, not that I have issues with authority but I know how much i take great importance of my job. I know it's temporary and I know I want to give my best so I may reap what I sow into my work environment in the long run. I love being under someone. I was more or less honored because again I was chosen for a time to work with someone. I know I have high work ethics and want to do my best especially when it comes to challenges. I love the fact that my brain gets worked up and that I have to push an extra notch to make things happen or work as a team to come to a conclusion of a problem. who would have thought? I surprise myself and love the fact that I really enjoy this new discovery. So maybe it took this long for me to realise this passion in me and I give thanks for all circumstances and all the people God has put in my life.
Who knows maybe I will start something new after I am done with this new door opening to me. I can't say what we will be doing but once my hirerrr gets just about everything set for us to move, then and maybe only then will I be able to share my new job description.
In the meantime I will make the most of my time being the manger of front desk at the hotel back home. I love working with people and with a great team. But right now I must stay focused on the people around me and see what I am suppose to take back with me when I return. If it's just love then I will go home rich!
thank you papa for everything. you never fail me, not that you know how to do that :)

x

Spring Time

Far up here while down below everyone is 'spring'ing it, I celebrate the snow. Ever so white, a few yellow spots here and there mainly from the husky dogs. Ice fishing season is here so everyone around me says. I went yesterday and sure was great indeed, but I'm not sure if I could do it every weekend as some do. I think I'll pass.

Some things new... I recorded a song... on my laptop. It's kinda not that exciting as I only have the voice & guitar on it. And it's Cree so none of my non indian friends understand it. I graduated from a 2 week school #101 and more to come in the year I think. I had a word... peace in the middle east. I'm guessing in years time. I went to the capital of Nunavut this month to celebrate Easter.

I want to go home soon. I am looking forward to seeing familiar faces and work and play with my sweethearts and eat out & be with my fellow peepsters.

I've been wishing of having my own house in the last 6 months or so. I'd love to drive up that long drive way and see that beautiful view from the top. I may coming to an age where I would like to settle. Then I wonder what if I won't have that lifestyle like everyone else, well just about everyone I know.

Ever fear of something? future?

At times, I think I know what the future holds but I don't want to look there. I could be fooling myself. I do like to dream though and wish of this and that but not to the point where I want to make it happen. I have something in mind... :)

gotta run!

statements / truths

"we need to see one another as saint who sin, rather than as sinners who are saved."

"we define humility as trusting God and others with me. Therefore is a community lacks grace, that community is low on grace."

"trusting who God says I am lays the foundation for maturity."

"we cannot profoundly influence others, without maturing."

"striving leaves dysfunctional and immature because it creates hiddenness."


Get your copy of this book!!

Truefaced. By Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol & John Lynch

CAN I JUST ADD

that I love these authors and it has challenged my mind to agree what my heart knows. Get your copy.

I am on this new journey or another path of knowing what GRACE looks like & feels like and to walk & live it out.

So the word is

PEOPLE!
A place to meet. a place to chill. a place to be real. a place to exchange. a place of heart. People. I need you. You need me. This is IT!!!

bon saint valentin

so they say in French. I just finished watching the olympics. The canadians are feeling very lovey as we won gold. I forgot what love was but re discovered it again a bit more tonight. I wanna go home back to it. good night!

It's Getting Colder

MY FACE IN THE ARCTIC WINDS

no polar bear

i thought this would be my time to see n have an answered prayer, but perhaps another time, I am hoping to make a commercial of coca cola... the real one not the made up polar bears and make myself rich for a change.

we now have snow up here and it's been staying here for the past few days. I've also seen n heard skidoos riding around. it's getting cold. and I have a feeling it will get colder n colder as days come n go!

n i have to run!

siting on top of the world

or seems like I am. A new season and it literally feels like a new season with the coldness that I feel when I step outside. My summer was one of the best and busy ones but not so tiring. I guess I could say it was one the most adventuresome. After the Arctic in May, I was at home on the first day of June and spent time at home for at least 9 days or so. I actually stayed in Montreal for a bit and then to then to my kind.

June 10, flew over to the southern eastern for almost 2 weeks for a "holiday". That was the best time ever to hang and chill and explore the area. Loved it to bits. love friends really. i would be so boring without them. i find friendships at times build a sweet character in us. Don't you think? I miss them Hanners

Stayed in Ottawa for some time due to the Summit my uncle was holding. Finally made it home after a few days from my trip to Australia.

Stayed home for a bit. learned politiks this summer at the CNYC Annual General Assembly. I actually visited Nemaska this summer and Waskaganish twice this summer. I went to a funeral where I learned to give even more out of your heart. To live passionately and give the most of life and pursue what you love the most. My life has been touched this summer in many ways.

Now as I sit up here, it gives me smile cause I know I love to serve and give my time and energy to ones that need a helping hand, but not only that, but I get to do what I love to do. Who would have thought? Of all places in the world, that I'd sit on top of this world and love from here.

:)

??

h

ooops

i have no idea how to get rid of myself in the followers

"Quote"

A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you.

C. S. Lewis

Pride is the mask of one's own faults.
Jewish Proverb

Pride sullies the noblest character.
Claudianus




o Lord have mercy.

Passion

passion |ˈpa sh ən|
noun
1 strong and barely controllable emotion : a man of impetuous passion. See note at emotion .
• a state or outburst of such emotion : oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion.
• intense sexual love : their all-consuming passion for each other | she nurses a passion for Thomas.
• an intense desire or enthusiasm for something : the English have a passion for gardens.
• a thing arousing enthusiasm : modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's.
2 ( the Passion) the suffering and death of Jesus : meditations on the Passion of Christ.
• a narrative of this from any of the Gospels.
• a musical setting of any of these narratives : an aria from Bach's St. Matthew Passion.
DERIVATIVES
passionless adjective
ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French, from late Latin passio(n-) (chiefly a term in Christian theology), from Latin pati ‘suffer.’

Who am I passionate about?
What am I passionate about?
What do I believe in?
Who do I believe in?

Passion...... bit of a scary word I say. Can a passion ever die? was it ever alive? What do I truly believe in. Who do I really believe in? So many questions on this journey....

My passion lies in the temporary things... or am I thinking of the things I like? tricky!

life would make sense if I had "PASSION" for something.... looking n looking.... on the road to discovery!

water & sand

Managed to get mum outa the house and hang out with jojo (pup) and I to the beach. We have this lil dog that puts us together in harmony in one sense or another. He causes to laugh together at him at the silly things he does. I appreciate this dog.

Families can be so alike and yet so different. In our differences, I want to learn and accept that we will not agree on some things. I put myself aside and persisted that she come with us on this beautiful day and so it was as I wished. Time together can be more meaningful than thousands of words trying to explain your beliefs, convictions, and whatnot. Sand and water is what we were.
Jojo got both!

the end.

Contemplate Now

d'you ever wonder where you meant to be in the long run? I've not experienced permanent or longevity in some thing or place or work. Everything is so temporary, at least in my lil world. As I get slightly older, I wonder where on earth could I possibly build my home. I only own a car, electric n acoustic guitar, laptop, ipod and a camera and leather pants. No home. I have family, but it's not the same. I'd like to have my own space. I may be maturing. A tad late I think. Or was it totally meant to be this way...... So where shall we go Jesus?

I want to see what my house would look like, would it be very random and full of colour? where is it? I know my bathrooms would be clean. So where should I go? I know wherever I go, I will find my home in Him in me. But what if I found a permanent job and own a place, would I know how to settle? Would I be able to stay put or would I be itching to leave the country every six months or so? Should I even bother settling somewhere or continue on with my nomadic life? I have to decide. I know for sure I want my special peeps in my life. I can't seem to go without. I used to live totally on my own and not have tight peepsters in my life and never had issues!!! ;) But something extraordinary happened and now I long to be with the ones I love. I know they love me too. I seem to "live" when I am with the ones I adore....

I got no deep roots here, so why am I here? I have no idea. Family is one thing, but other than that, I'm a wandering soul. I've had this way of thinking every where I've lived since i was kid. I won't decorate or buy much cause I won't be here for a long time anyway. I've lived in many homes and so it's very easy to just "visit" wherever I happen to live... again temporarily. I've been very simple all these years. I never minded not having a dresser when I used to live in the city. Simplicity was my way of living or was it avoiding the creativity to flow in what I could have done? who knows. Or was I just mindless of such matters so I would not get in touch with the deep things of the heart. So much to discover!

I thought of 2 things this morning when I got up, one I can't recall at the mo, but I used to like to run at my own pace of course, run as in that physical activity. mmmmm the other ... still can retrieve it from the brain. Anyhow, it had to do with the things l like to do.

I will go back to writing these days and see if it's possible to publish random notes of the nomad. I shall now enjoy the sun out there in my backyard with a book and a dog with me. Haven't seen the sun since I've been back I think. It's been a while. so long blog! have a good day!

Down Under

So here I am after my time in the Arctic. It's only been 16 days since I left my other home in the far north. It's quite crazy when I think of where I been. Once on top of the world and now down below way over down this side of the world. I am indeed very blessed. Now where do I go from here? Where is my life going to? Do I just keep on traveling til my eyes behold the beauty of your face?

Anyhow... just a bit of thinking here.... I'm resting for the day and off we will go tomorrow to some place called blue mountain or who knows where. Where will I end up? I wonder. Anyway I am not in deep thought cause I'm watching Anne of Green Gabbles.

have a good day!

Northern chick

Still livin' n lovin' the arctic life. I've been checking out this small village that I got new friends and I want to consider options of working here... still a big decision to make, but the thought of living in a village of less than 300 makes me happy or excited in some way... Im not sure if I got the right words.

where do I go and where do I begin this new journey,,,,,, still testing the grounds....

anyway that's a mini update for now.
tata!!

london

So here i am again in London after 8 months from my first stay with the Fowlers. I love everything about London and its splendor. A person such as I could only appreciate this life as we can not have or experience this kind of life where I am from. I love London and its people and culture.

January 10 at 6:54pm

This is my first blog of the year. I've not had such a peaceful, restful and relaxing Christmas holiday. I loved our "family times" which always involved food but in total moderation. We did so well this year.
I got lots gift this year, to name a few, sephora makeup (I chose), warm sock, a lot of earrings, 10x mirror so I can pluck n pick my face, perfume and let's not forget the bedroom set.
One of my favorite times was hanging out with my nieces and nephew of course but he can't do much just yet. But my nieces and I got the chance to bake some shortbread cookies and decorated them. It was just a lovely afternoon. And at another time, I took my 2 year old niece sledding and my other 2 nieces wanted to come along and so we went sliding and it was quite the joy to see them laugh and flip over and giggle and play in the snow white hill.

I am still at home with the parents, but will be leaving in a week to head over to England for a good 10 days. I have been invited to a lovely wedding and I am so excited to join the party and celebrate their oneness. I hope to so some shopping and discovering more the city with Sam and hope to chill with Melissa as well in the city of London! How exciting. I am off to a great start and sure hope it's a fun ride throughout this year.

After the trip, I go back to my country and off to the Arctic! I will be back to work.

Well, that is it for now. So long peeps. I hope our paths come across this year a bit more often than this last year.

:)

winterland

december is almost here

I am on the verge of getting excited to go home....
i will be in another society where there are countless shops, coffee shops, non stop incoming calls and numerous text messages, let's just say one massive distraction.
I need to sort out my priorities.
I need to manage my time.
I need to be smart and not go crazy.

12 more days and I will be swept away to another destination.

story

I'd like to meet ... the man of my dreams. hehehe
makes me wonder at times if that will be the story of my life... remarried like so many or will it be... I don't know.
I do hope at times to be with him, dunno what he looks like...
But I find myself stop right there and that I need to be realistic and not go to lalaland...

Anyway, let me sleep on this!
:)

winds

so as i tried to sleep yesterday, i had a bit of difficulty due to loud winds. it was said the winds were roughly 90 km/h. can it get any more windier? Anyway, I managed to fall asleep and got up at 530pm.

Later on I was informed they had flurries at noon. So I missed that out. People got excited about the winds of change.

However, I do not have the proper jacket for this weather. I didn't think I'd need my winter jacket so soon... so I will need to face this great challenge. But thank goodness I have friends who have cars.

PRAISE THE LORD ANYHOW

DAY 1

ok I am not going to write everyday for the next couple months. First 24 hours are normally interesting. So I got here yesterday at past 10:30 with much anxiety but in a good way of course. I was a bit nervous and excited cause I don't have an exact clue what I will be doing. Anyhoop my best friend in the Arctic came in great excitement and unbelief at the same time. She has waited for that day for years according to her. I also met my coworkers and my lil boss was so excited that just embraced me in such joy. She was so thrilled to meet me and so saw I. I did not quite expect such an excitement from her, but hey I fully embraced me with such acceptance and welcome! The sweet people I will be with are Roda, Eva and Mae. all lovely! The ladies went to my "residence" to see if all was ok, so we met and they tell me to get some time away cause they had to clean it before I move in! such royalty I say! No supervisor or boss has cleaned my house, it's a huge house as well. I am very honored and it's a blessing. I didn't think it'd turned out this way.

Anyway I did not mind at all. So I spent my day with my friend Ilisapi and had a rest, slept while she worked. I was tired. I had a busy week before I left... wedding n stuff at home... very nice but very tiring....

Anyhoop that evening we had kids ministry and it was fun to watch and see how they run things...they are very passionate and so full of life! I had a good evening, but still tired for some weird reason. Perhaps my nap was not enough. We went home and played our guitars for an hour or so... It was quite a busy day. ANd off to bed! the ENd
o ya there are trees. we're right at where the tree line stops.

beautiful Tuesday

Sun is out and clouds are pretty far from off from my lil community. Gotta love this kinda weather especially when it's been a wee bit chilly few days ago.

Anyhoop gota enjoy this wonderful heat!!
my battery is dying too gotta run

Fun Thursday Morning

So had the interview and got a call less than an hour later to be informed that I was taken on board and start work soon in the Arctic. sooooooooooooo happy, thrilled and excited!!!
This day has finally come after over a year. I guess it took a year for everything to come to pass and learn and grow. I lived almost exactly a year in my home town. I had my ups and downs and had lots of challenging times living a new chapter in my life.

Onto another chapter now. I start my life in the Arctic next month, in 2 weeks really. I do not know what the full picture and part of me doesn't want to know as I want to live one day at a time and learn and enjoy every moment of the learning, growing times for me.

I shall keep this blog updated and this might be the best way to know my whereabouts and whatabouts.

It's a wonderful life!

Few years ago I thought of the world and the people in it and many say I want to do the will of God and I thought wow... so many are doing that because our desires originated from Him and we do what we must to get to that destination for a time, a season....
So here I am doing what I love!! Off I go and away I go!

the Arctic Call

Sooooooooooo after months of waiting to receive a call like... you are hired!!! has finally come few days ago. It was actually more like 'are you still interested?' I had sent my cv months ago and I guess they were on holidays and the center was under renovations and wondered if I was still interested. Of course I was and am still very interested!!! I was just in the waiting room for so long and the time has finally come.

I told my friend early this summer that I had a feeling that I may get hired in the Fall and it's possible that I will be there this Fall. I should get another phone call from the chairperson for confirmation and stuff. In the meantime I shall get ready for things.

These past couple weeks have been interesting now when I look back. There were times I felt like I needed to get ready, for what? just about the future, maybe read and write, get my notes sorted out. Then another day I thought of writing a song about someone who has contemplated on suicide, like a song of desperation and another one on a young woman's struggle for life. That morning, I said thank you God for the call of receiving a new job.

All these things started to make sense and it wasn't all about me and my desires. But it was a preparation for what's to come. I shall be in contact with people who had it rough and tough. These people I already have a heart for. I actually sang out a song for them and started crying. Very intriguing moment!

A time for.....

I cried yesterday. I sat outside and just cried out and asked and wondered many things. And then I think I heard -start writing. And I stopped crying. I wondered could this be God really? Anyway I am getting on that journey either way. In due season I will discover if it was a spontaneous thought...

I have always had a passion to write, but I kinda been putting that off for reasons unknown. I guess I need to get caught on my thinking's' and reasonings and write them down as many times these spontaneous thoughts come and suddenly make sense and get new revelations!! whhhoooohooo passion is rising up!! lol

:D

free time (s)

well now that i have no employment and have all the free time to do all I want?!?!?!? what do I do and where do I begin? O my so many options!
I guess I could start off losing a few pounds and get $ coming and play music and write some as well. OK I must start being productive!

:)

takes a while

for the first time I got the message on the orphan spirit.... after 3 years maybe? finally understood at least some of it now and I really don't want to live out of that. I want to be a daughter 24/7.

another new life

my nephew is just around the corner. anytime from now and just looking forward to hearing an update from Montreal. yes, he flew out today because he is just really sneaky and loves adventure. Every phone ring excites me. I love my nephew... my first one. My brother's first son and my sister in law's first son and who knows, he may be the last baby from that family.... So now I'm just waiting on the call and head to Mtl to see him anytime now.
I'm a happy aunt!

adoption anyone

can someone adopt me?
I want to get out of here.
i took the worst picture ever, but I actually am quite nicer looking in real life

Indian to English

I'm back from traveling.

I went to London for a week and experienced the total English culture with the Fowlers.

Surprise surprise, it rained once during my seven day stay.

It all started off to hitting the streets at the market place in Porotbello, Nottinghill, strolling on Oxford & Picadilly street, going to the country side where all is green and all is posh (polo thingy), pub in the country, movies at the cool Electric theatre on a lazyboy with drinks n food, a whole shopping day with a new friend, a night at the theatre musical to see Lord of the Rings -INCREDIBLE!!, shopping on King Rd or st, sight seeing -Buckingham palace, big ben, london eye, trafalgar circle, etc..., (English) dinner party, horse back riding, afternoon with Tara 'new friend', clubbing.

It was indeed the funnest trip and hope to do it again. Brought home some memories where there's much laughter and craziness with the English lad. Had a few awkward moments, lots of silly moments and some interesting moments.

In the end, I loved to be English. I love them peeps. Very sweet people. I now like Classical music in the morning. I like eating slow in the morning. I like fresh yogurt. I like Sam of course and his family is sweet. I like the cool tiny cars. I like the many accents.

Basically I liked everything about my trip even the spending part.

I feel refreshed and revived in some way.

next?

now back from Puerto Rico........ so much fun, love, happiness n now i am here ... for what? not sure, but I want leave now!!!

1986

Last week while having dinner with mom and dad, this one line came out of the blue. "You were non status until 1986". They were joking around about.... history I guess I dunno how to put it. They're funny people. But every now and again, my mom will mention that she married a "white" guy and my dad gets all proud of it and has this funny smirk, but anyway the point here is that maybe, perhaps, and could it be possible that is to why I don't really care about my so called Indianess if there is such a word? Seriously though, I am not proud of being "First Nations" as we are called. I just think I'm Indian and it's not a big deal as most people think it is. Whenever I see the sign "Native Pride" just makes my head go whatever!

My dad did not get his Native status until that year... and since my birth I had my mom status number.. funny but yea the government gives or labels us with numbers so they don't get mixed up or whatever. But you know what I mean. Everyone gets a number like the SIN #, but we precious Indians have an extra number. :)

And here we know that our significance comes from our fathers. If my dad had a question mark for so many years because he could not be labeled or known as Native or Non Native, then how did that affect him? It's almost like he could not be accepted from both ends. Funny that! But not really I suppose.

It's so weird cause his mom is full on Cree :P and his dad is i dunno how many percentage of Creeness and Whiteness in him. But anyway, I just thought that was very interesting to my knowledge.

I also know from stories from back in the day when everyone had their lil "area" or parts to live, my grandparents lived a bit out of the rest of them Indians as if they were not Indian! They totally talked and lived like Indians. weird isn't it?... hope you are not offended reading this... just don't take it too seriously. Anyway the small bay my grandparents lived was called the "bad white folks" because that was the Iserhoff area. And it's all because of that Hitler dude. Iserhoff is a German name.

Anyway that is my mini history. It always fascinates me to know of my 'culture' I guess. Interesting donchya think?

Now I leave a picture of a true Indian standing on Native land - My Dad.

M I S T I S S I N I

So this town consists of Indians like me and has about 3500 - 4000 people. I been thinking what does this community offer or have. So I thought hmmm... what's really in here.
Seriously I don't think I take pride in my culture and I may need to get that right.. I think....

Anyway, I live in a... almost a town looking place, a mini town. As you enter into the community, there's several home ownerships they call 'em here where people build their place and no longer rent as that is the norm around here. There are nice homes for non Natives or (white folks) who come to live here and work for them Indians like me. They're nice people I think, but it's not like I know them personally, but on the professional side they look like great people. I think we take them for granted at times. When you think of it, them people leave their homes and relatives to help and make things better here. I like the fact that most of these people come because they have a passion to what they want to do in life... making a difference for one or two or 300 people. It's amazing how far and wide one passion can take us or several passions... you get the point.

Ok and then we have 2 gas pumps.. lol. i mean gas stations, one Esso and one Crevier I think...
One Police station and most officers are Native Indians and we have the Band Office building where the Chief's office is located with his many many workers and everyone works for the community... again mostly Indian and non native as well. Around that area is a Youth Center and it's a hang out place still to this day I think and outside of it is a basketball court. There's also a elder's home not far from there as well and they are well taken care of.

We have a few stores and 4 schools - preschool - elementary -high school and a Christian school. There's 1 Clinic. And 2 clothing stores and 1 sports store and 1 grocery store. We also have a video world to rent out movies. We have the Head Office for the Cree School Board. One reception center for the regional James Bay area for children who need special attention and one group home. O ya, 1 post office and o ya one old arena and one brand new sports complex and in it has an auditorium or court for sports, an arena in it and a fitness center. Let's not forget we have 3 daycare centers and who knows another may be built. :O

There's also a laundry mat with a car wash on the side. I think there's a garage far back in the bushes.. well not really, it's just not 'in' the community. There's also a like a mini 'staples' store.

The houses around here are similar on one street and the next street may have a slightly different but they all look the same in most areas.

There are 3 churches as well and one hotel with a restaurant in it (3*hotel) :P. There's also a restaurant called Adels, a firehall and we have a trailor park too.

So there's my mini town - community called Mistissini

meaning Big Rock (misti =big + sini = rock!!)

Challenges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've not gone through so much in the last couple weeks of my life.... at least that's what I think . So much has happened that I dreaded to go to work. Things at work are so hectic and hard and just heart wrenching and just full of things to do n people to meet. My car insurance got cancelled and home life is a ok and life with the parents is a challenge after the spaghetti incident. Things at home were a bit rocky this past weekend and now I am totally alone in this house and it feels so right.

I am now home alone and o how I love to have this week all to myself. I am going to be speaking this weekend. And I thought to myself, man I seriously need to be emptied out of this excess baggage I have with me and go on totally refreshed. It's at these times I long for quality time with friends. Thanks to my friend Elizabeth who just spoke things to me without her knowing what is really going on. I miss real friends around here. I need to be around people. God show me who these people are.

The Law & The Grace

I lived and experienced in both places in the last year.... law... n grace. What a big difference and o how I love His grace. I don't know how to bring his grace into my workplace when everything I do is from the law. I have to balance things out in my heart and be discerning. I find myself more prayerful I believe because I hear and see so much. It is so heart breaking at times that I have to sit and cry before I can move on to another case. I must actually leave to attend a call right now... kinda sucks to get dressed again............... :(

ready to leave

I just want to move now. I grown to like it here and I think it's time to move on and explore something new.... or is it just the mover in me that wants to move again. I miss being in a place where everyone has a common love... for the one who loved us first. I miss that. I want to be in that place once again.

I picked up my electric guitar couple nights ago and all I did was just sang my heart out, everything I wanted to let out came out more like a conversation with God and he sang back to me and it was soo refreshing and of course he made me cry! I do love him.

special tag

Ever stop and think that what you hear people say about you might be true? I heard over a few times couple days ago how much I'm ... maybe appreciated. And it hit me, some people really like me. I don't go around thinking I'm not loved or thought of, but to know n feel that several people in this world really really like you. That stuck in my heart and made me glad. I had to ponder or meditate on it for a bit and it went to my heart. It was quite an interesting thought though to be honest... I have a red tag on special around my neck..not really, but I'm not cheap.
Anyway just thinking out loud.

life

Back when I was a teenager near adulthood, I had lived with this family from Metcalfe, Ontario and it was a lovely family to live with. They were total strangers, but they were willing to take on a student and I boarded for 2 years with them... Thus they became my mom and dad and I also had 2 sisters and a brother from that family. I shared my life with them and they seen me study, drunk, happy, brokenhearted, wash their feet, graduate, rollerblade and many other things a teenagers does and goes through. They were my family... and they loved me very well and so did I. We kept in touch from time to time.

I got really bad with keeping in touch this past year. I would normally call 'home' every Christmas, but not on 2006. If I had called, I would have known that my papa Ray had cancer. I would have and could have gone to see him, but I didn't. And that hurts, because I found out last night papa Ray had passed away on January 10, 2007. Apparently my sister Deb emailed me, but it went to my old email address and never got it.

My mom and my sisters and brother have been grieving all year and I have just begun. It's sad that it happened that way. Now I suppose I will have to forgive myself for not being there for my mom and the rest of my family and losing touch with them.

How I miss him, how I took him for granted... how sad I am now.

My papa Ray was always good to me. I remember going to the cottage on long weekends. I remember the bbqs we had in our backyard. I remember how he loved our dog 'digger'. I remember how he would stand in the kitchen. I remember the time how he would come in by the back door. I remember how he walked. I remember his midnight snacks. I remember how he liked sauerkraut. I remember the sound of his laughter. Memories of him are all I have left.

Now I learned today, not to take anyone or anything for granted and that could be time. Our time is indeed very precious. Most of the time, we spend it with people or things.

miss you papa Ray........

xcftvgybhunijmok9876cxazc

not too sure if I can & want to come to TO. we'll see

cd

i ordered this cd from Redding and I love it!!! There's something in me that stirs to know more about 'Him' through music and actually get into deeper practice? or times with him through my guitar. -I really wanna know what love is. I WANT MORE! I nEED more, so much more than what I known.

ONe of my favorite songs is in that cd too and tis -how he loves. Just so makes me want to cry out to Him and only him...

I want to create an atmosphere where his kingdom comes and heals and restores all that was ever stolen. I want to create music and get swept away by Him... that is my dream right now.

5:00

couldn't believe it was so dark at 5////looked like it was 9 pm.

we're really heading towards winter season. living in the single digits now.

alone & random thoughts

O how I love to be alone once in a while. Being totally alone somehow gives me more sanity. Perhaps I just needed other peeps around me, but I haven't gone out much. Glass of wine, music in the background, writing and being alone.... what more can I ask? It feels as if I am regenerated...is there such a thing? I think so.

It feels interesting to live back in the community with my parents. I didn't think I would come back to live in the community of my indians...my kind of people. I know it is only temporary. There is much I see and much I don't want to see and know, but I am surrounded by these things and by certain people. I don't want to be critical and it is a struggle at times to love everything about my kind. But I am learning to accept somethings I cannot change. As long as I don't say anything negative... I should be fine.

Hung out with my dad yesterday. It was nice to walk around with him. Shopping, eating and listening to music on our way to town & driving away.
Mom is out ministering to people further north from where I live, roughly 10 hours away. Quebec is quite big I must say.

I was thinking yesterday, not out of self pity, but just out of purely letting go of my dreams for now and see what happens in the future. What would happen if I gave up on California or Orangeville or Toronto and school? What if I just let all that go? Perhaps that is what is making me not appreciate everything around me here. Of course I cannot have all the luxuries that I used to get in the city, that's for sure. Maybe I can try forgetting my past life....Impossible.... I live in such a foreign place/land and I try to think what are the similarities from where I have been in the last few years of my life? I see that I have changed, so much that I can recall what I was like back then and how I used to be and how I used to live and to see that in others....hmmmmm.
I need to balance and mix with what I learned in the past couple years of my life and apply it here in a healthy balance. I don't want to offend others. I do want to respect my indianess and all and at times, it just leaves me with questions that I don't even feel like talking them through,.....cause obviously no one would really get me. Anyhooop, I'm sure I will get my way around. Give me patience God.

It's getting late and I guess I should go and get ready for rest and monday!! I love my work...That I am certain of!

sun

we had blues skies today, but i had to stay in n work inside the building.

where did u go? seems like its been a while..... .;'][;'/.m,./][p';.//.[poiuytrdghjioplmkknh80oplkuygtrexcfvgbhnjm23456yujbvcxcvio
';l''

action

seems like there's not a whole lota action going on around here. Need someone to stir up some things to do and what not. It can be very easy to fall into selfish living and that is what I am struggling at the moment.

monday

was nice to have another day of somewhat rest. Went to hunt with mom n dad but got nthing but a rabbit. The clouds seem to cover the blue sky today and I missed Toronto today. I dont like weathers like this. Makes me want to be else where, but i cant and I guess thats fine... by the way ...my dad actually killed a moose on Friday. It was quite exciting!!! It's a huge blessing.

im kinda hungry now and I wish i had a bowl of cereal but my parents have visitors and I cant be bothered to present myself in a decent manner. that kinda sounds funny.

I miss TO.

Fall

Season of Fall has finally really hit home. The trees are naked, clothing on the ground, but we wear our own. Guess it's time for something really new. I have new clothes, but I want more to life. I think I have to go on a journey now...to a place I've not discovered yet.

I learned this morning that when a moose is in heat...I dunno if you can say that or is it just for cats, but anyway....what he does is he looks for the female pee/urine...I guess he would smell it around the bushes and eats of it when he finds it. I was a bit disturbed by it, but I guess it's completely normal in the eyes of the Creator. Strange.... But I dont know what he does after he finds it though....I didnt get the chance to ask as I was too intringued by that fact. Anyway, mom and dad are gone to hunt but not totally going for it. Just casually hunting I guess, not fully geared is what I mean.
My dad killed a couple moose with his friend while we were in the CITY. :) So I had some this week. T'was good indeed. If I had a freezer in my car, I would send some to my white peeps, but I dont.

Praise the Lord it's not cold out there yet. We had sun this week!!! might be 17 outside...
O listen to this thing I learned again... My mom told me to get dad's check at the band office. for what? I wondered to myself... I found out that it's from hydro quebec who helps us pay electricity! how random is that??? We....well they, every house hold gets a check. If I had my own house I would get one too!! Sounds cool, but I do not plan on building my home yet, maybe not until I retire.
I wonder if I would want to live in the bushes or the city when I get old..... I think I would still love Starbucks and shopping for my grandchildren and go see a movie on Tuesday nights and travel in and out of the country. Hmm I need an airport nearby. That was easy. City it is!!

I gotta go back to work now!! :)

miniblog...undone

Here I am back in the north….protecting youths as Sarah Dalley would say. There’s a bit of a mist in the air here in Mistissini and looks gloomy out there. I almost feel gloomy, but not a lot, just about 7.9 percent. I am glad to be back home and back to work. However I do not have work to do at the moment, but replacing the secretary for the morning. It looks like it was a quiet week last week while I was away. Ptl.

My New Life

...........in Mistissini

It has its surprises from time to time.

I find that more and more I am getting to like it again...living in a Cree community. Living in 'white' community has always been a huge blessing and now the shock of not having a white friend is over, I can live here another few months here with my Indian peeps in the true white or green north. Actually, it's not that I don't have white friends, but missing the great friendships that I had for 2 years. it took a few weeks to adjust and know that I will not have the life I had back in TO with all the wonderful great things that were fun and accessible and the friends of course . The transition is over and now I am getting to love the feeling of settling in and having somewhat of a routine, who knows maybe I'll move south or to the west coast once I am done my time here.

I am a full time worker now and I have been very blessed with that. I love where I work. I know I will probably face some challenges, but it is ok and even better for me in the future. There is a promise for me that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", so I should be doing good as I have many helpers here on earth as well from heaven. Although 9 - 5 was not my deal or kind of living, at the present moment...I am not minding it at all.

I've also been teaching some life changing teachings to women this week and to see my papa show up feels very exciting knowing he is doing the work. And all I have to do is speak out his truth. I will be doing another 2 sessions with them again next week, so that will be fun and I look forward to what more papa will do for us all. I love it when we give him time and day to let him move in us, in our hearts because He does change our hearts in the end when we have said yes to him.

Two things I learned during my time here since I been home and it hasn't been a month yet. One, take time to process and accept the (difficult) time of transition and two, take the initiative -do something. I was sad the first couple weeks to be honest, but I had the choice to stay in it for a few more weeks or month?? I was actually bored as well because I made my life boring here. I didn't do anything to make things change.

So one Sunday I went to church and I felt it during the week....that I ...needed to do something. Because all along I was basically living for me, myself & I!! So in one announcement at the Baptist church, they needed volunteers for the awana nite for kids and so I was excited for that because I can do something on a Tuesday than just do my own thing at home. I can have a routine...wow..listen to me now...I want a routine, but not the kind that sticks for a long rigid time.... Flexiblility is still my way of moving, but I want to be out there and involved in my community in the small things because that is probably where there I may influence someone in a possitive way. wow....another change...hmmm... I was used to be afraid of influencing people around me thinking I had such a bad streak, but I don't. hmmm..how cool is that? anyway....

I felt a change one afternoon, a sudden one and I think it was because I was embracing change and wanted to do something other than what I did at home. That's when things began to roll. Now I must rock on out!!!

I am indeed blessed!

Blessed where ever I am and wherever I go. I must be so loved...Indeed I am!!!

home alone

wow....kinda feels nice to be home alone...having so much space. what do I do with all these space. I love it though. I can do what I want and be 'me' as well.

Kinda weird to say that, but I know I have not been really me....a lil afraid that no one will understand me..the new me....in a way i want to be the one I was known for..just so it is more familiar and easy to get along with..But that isn't right.
I guess I have to take a risk and see how things will go and turn out..... Maybe in the meantime, I can practice it...

How I miss being with friends and be crazy. I can't really do that as I don't have a lot in common with most people. My friends have their own world. So how do I begin to engage? feels a bit more tougher with my kinda peeps than it is with white folks. I miss them dearly beloved white folks of mine. all my love to thee. xo

long weekend

So, what can you do up in the freezing north? ok, maybe I am exagerating, but you have to understand that I was in California where it never was chily. I still miss California..the people, the place, basically just about everything. It's my sister in laws birthday nite and having a glass of wine and the rest of the gang was playing poker...they tried to teach me, but i couldn't be bothered to learn. I just don't get and it's just one too many numbers. My younger brother is here for the weekend and it's been a ball since he's been here.
We have no plans for this weekend, but as far as I know we are staying put. I was hoping to leave, but I am still in the process of paying bills.
Hmmmm...life is interesting here. I've worked 2 weeks now and i have one more week to go and I will probably work another 2 weeks.
Anyway, I;m kinda boring right now, just now because I have not done anything different in my life. I need to be more creative and take the initiative...when it comes to doing stuff.
I guess I could or should work on my many sermons that are going on in my mind!! Anyway "I gots to go, cause I got nothing against them Indians".

wireless exists

It does exist in the north. I am borrowing it from my neighbors at the moment until we get it on monday. love my lil black mac Abe to get the wireless and have me connected to the rest of the world. However, I have to open my window to get it. But that is fine by me. It's nice. I'm in my room alone and mom n dad are gone and its just plain quiet and I'm sittin on a garbage bin and my suitcase is my desk with the window open. cant complain!

update? i think it's about time

I am finally home again! It feels cool I think. I am already working, and that feels funny. I still haven't decided which room to take in this house. I'm having good meals everyday and I'm enjoying that. feels like I'm still moving. I may need some time to process stuff or not....do I work like that? I dunno, haven't really gone into that..next month I get to preach at a women's retreat and that is quite exciting! I've unpacked and have two rooms and i have to decide where Im going to settle. Either way i feel like I won't be here for long and want to please my dad for making the rooms upstairs for me and my brother. But downstairs feels like I have my own appartment, but I am more drawn to go upstairs as my dad specifically made that one room for me. Its got a huge closet and i think i could fill it up. I realised I dont have much clothing, funny enough....
I will have to go to TO and shop for fall clothing! miss my store... g2g now

my friends

I miss all my close sgl friends.....love you Ayshka & Sam xoxoxoxox. Love them all.....really precious indeed :(

coming home

leaving a place I called 'home' to a place i called home, but dont really have a home of my own..yet! where should I live now? somewhere beautiful I'm sure

California

Today is my last hour in California state. We'll be leaving soon to head home. It's been a fantastic month and I loved every bit of it even the questionable times and just being here with Sam and the team has been a real treat. I met people I have grown to love and I have a hard time leaving these precious loved ones of mine. I didn't think this place could give me such a huge impact on me and to know what papa's has been doin in my heart, just makes me want to get closer and closer to him, so I can hear exactly what to do and say when he moves and speaks. Many times I am not aware that he speaks through me. I am really blessed. Everwhere we went this month, all I could think of is his kindness, love, joy, struggles here and there, but his faithfulness always proved him perfect. I love my dad!!!

I'm going to miss this place honestly. The people have touched my heart and I hope to see them again in the future. I think I'd love to try it out if it will work out in the future. The girls in the LRM have immensely blessed me and opened my eyes to see and love beyond and be full of love and grace. I seen how great our papa is and how kind he is to everyone and so gentle and loving. All I wanted to do was love more and receive love as well.

It was an incredible experience to have work with the recovery people. It has brought me joy to see them blossom and love life and want to experience more. Even if it took a couple weeks to soften up, we did come to a place of wanting each other's company and be a blessing to one another without even realizing it. God has done much work in my heart and I didn't even become aware of it until one of the girls left the house to live back on the rouh end of life. That was painful and I needed to forgive her and release her and bless her. It was painful and it hurt as well to see the other girls being so hurt by her actions. It was quite the journey. I don't think I have had this experience ever before and to see bits of my prophecy fulfilled about working with addicts has been a real blessing and I would like to experience more. I didn't think I could work with people under those circumstance, but honestly I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength to do it. who knows? maybe I will be working with people as such.....because I have grown to love the broken, the hurting, the unwanted, unloved, rejected..... God is good ....great...so loving!!

I love you papa!!!!
you are indeed fantastic!!

take care or be careful

I learnt that when I try to change a way of saying things or be careful not to make noise, the more I say things in a wrong way and the more noise I make. I found out that once I pray for help, everything I want to say comes out naturally and dont need to stress myself. All I need is to ask plainly what I need and I get it freely. So cool!! That's one revelation!:)

here

I thought I knew how to add more words to my previous blog, but I guess I don't. We just got back from the beach and just showered and now i feel so relaxed and lovin the sun on my face. We went to a river actually and it had a tiny beach and we swam across to get on a rope and swing and jump into the river. It was quite fun and then we went up the stream and climbed up rocks and jumped into some friggin cold water and lil falls .... was quite the nice afternoon!

.;'[]=-`

that was not cree, but just couldnt come up with a good title. this is all i wanted to do.

extreme encounter

well well well... we got back from a wilderness boot camp typa deal but christiany oriented...quite the character builder... i thought to myself at first, this attitude of mine ...ahhh how long will i have to struggle with this???? interestingly when I confessed that to myself and God heard me...I was more disappointed in me...but he heard me and somehow the next day..I was completely changed... I had an open heart to do all that we must do that day.... I didnt think this encounter was going to do much to me but it did...So ya....im weak and he became my strength..I might go in details about this but we'll see how much time I have...meanwhile I will enjoy the summer heat in California.