DISCOVERY

So I learnt that if suppressed anger (for example) for twenty years has been in there and never been dislodged. How does that look like now? If I say a tiny prayer of I forgive myself and seems like it's not working at all... then I have to find a way how it does come out.
Growing up in a nice christian home is always nice and at times too nice and you can't tell what's wrong when something is really right. Interesting isn't it? at least I think so. If I tried real hard to recall any moment in my life growin up where I seen anger, that is impossible because I could swear but I won't, I have not seen that growin up. I don't really know what life was like growing up. Then again Im one of them people who barely have memories of childhood. Its so fascinating though. I think mom and dad were pretty average busy people but not extreme and I have no clue what it was like if there was tension. Im pretty sure there was but I have not a single memory of it. This could be good and very bad I think. Seeing that I never seen anger expressed...seein? I know, it doesnt make sense, but if I did not see that, how am I suppose to handle this feeling that I feel now? I feel as though I want to know psychologically than to emotionally express it. I find it more fascinating to explore that area rather than letting it out. No I dont want a method on how to release anger, but Im just curious how this mind works.

I heard this saying before "wooden indians" and you do see a totem pole or a picture of an indian and you will hardly ever see one with a smile. Makes me wonder if I adopted this silly thing right into my culture without even being aware of it. I find it harder to verbally express to others but not so much on paper which is great cause I believe God gave me this good mental writing ability so I can do what I do now. I feel as though it's not really my culture to freely outwardly express and I was informed twice 2x this week that I may be wrong in that area. It never crossed my mind how the british people are and how hard it must be to be proper 24/7 (pardon me) and even more if you were a christian. Please take no offense. Im just goin on this new discovery myself. Makes me wonder even more and I'm so curious, how am I suppose to express anger in a healthy way? Of course you go and vent and scream and whatnot. But Im just totally not like that. At least that is my own personal opinion and I dont want to adapt to someone else's method or ways of expressing. know what I mean? This is very interesting to me now. Now the question lies beneath the lines, should I go and journal and see what may come out of it? It kinda makes me nervous honestly. What does that look like? I know I swear to stuff and not at people from time to time when Im very upset of something and me. My natural way of responding to anger is withdraw, go for a ride, don't talk because my feeling will subside in due time. BUT then there's that thing again goin in circles... here we go again. So the anger just gets cluttered as my dad put it this morning. ANd I can easily rebel and at times I love that because it's just easy to passby so fast and no one can catch you at times and nothing seems to matter at least for a short time. and then again, it's the same ol feeling again and this time it's thicker and yet dormant and I guess it just grows and grows and you collapse...that's even more scarier. O God! I think I need to go and let my feeling rise to the surface where it actually overflows. yes more lord............... oops ... so hard not to be sarcastic at times. It's only a mask. Well onto this new discovery now..................................................................

Scary!!

So today wasnt the greatest day...again. It was horrible for me and terrible to find out how I just dont seem to work as a leader and sure I thought this week will be different and it's just hard and maybe even harder. I feel such a weakling and it's just not right to lead when you are so messed up. I wished I was somewhere other than being here. It was plain disastrous for me. I felt intimidated and frustrated that I could not get over this stupid feeling that kept roaming around me. So I did not nothing today. I did run to *bucks and that always helps and it was during lunch so it's not much of a big deal. But Im telling you, leading is not so much fun to be honest. Perhaps Im just really narrow minded right now, but Im just sayin as it is and next week will change. amen.
Seriously writing is so much easier than talking to someone face to face. It's still scares me and I know that can be stupid but hey at least Im learning. Communication! who said it was easy for women? Im having a hard time and horrible to express and at times I stall because I cant find the right proper english words and my culture gets in the way and it's just so messy.
I was so hopin to hear that they had worse sgl than what they had seen today.
Time to activate the prophetic flow! Where was the flow again? I cant believe that I'm so out. It's crazy and I just want to run away but that is not even an option anymore.
man o man! where do you go from here? Let's hope altogether that I will overcome these struggles and find comfort in the ONe that set me apart and he is tearing me apart and it hurts and I just want to crawl under my blanket and I could even hide under my bed because this is like overwhelming. It's way over my head and that might be good I guess.
I thought I had not much problems but then again I was never much of a leader. I loved to follow than lead, and it feels like Im being pushed by every angle you could think of even if it is a tiny hidden one. Anyway..... Im doing fantastik! and I am on top of the world!!! ANd I just love it!!!

back to work

I have to get back on my feet. Seems like I've been draggin my feet and just goin with the flow and out of the flow as well. time for bed. Im really not motivated to write at the moment. I need to rest so I can be totally back to normal and fully awake and alert so I can be at my best. I cant even convince myself. I need some sleep and major Gtime. ya. kinda pathetic right now but yes I will face this and win this...... I dont know what to call it but anyway this too shall pass. Nothing ever last forever at least in this world.

Ouch!!

well well what could be new about me? Except that I freakin flipped over the same thing again. I must admit this is one thing I am struggling with. I didnt care less about it when I was at home or here. I just didn't see it coming. This is it- I have to go away!
OK I've talked this over with a couple (2) people and this is my own version of this evil heart of mine.
It all started out with sept 21 which was a day of rememberance of what I had done in my life 5 years back. I was just angry at myself for making a big mistake and not listening to myself. I was very weak at that time I would say and nothing else could change me except for the words that said I love you and I want to marry you. So! I was there just angry for the first time ever about me and not about the other anymore. I was reallly hating me and could not stand being around people and so after soaking others...... I went to G to see if I could take off for a bit on my own. See I saw Cathy and Sarah talk so I thought I could go by G so he wouldn't ask much and maybe he would say yes, but he said no and had a good reason. So what do I do? Well I go to Mandy to see if I could help her so I won't have to go to 'soaking' because I was just angry and just didn't want to be around others. So minutes went by and now Cathy is free and so I head in to see if she would let me go out for a while til 4 and she said ok, and I said something like you might understand cause G had said no, so now she turns and says well I can't say yes now since he already said no. I wanted to be honest but not too honest but if I wasn't then it would be a lie or some sort of deceit. Im not sure if I am using the right word, but anyway. That day's answer was NO! in a nice way of course and I was just furious and by 10 to 4 I slipped out thinking it should be fine now that the soaking thing is almost over. I was informed that I could not leave til 5 when I am done but I just wouldn't. So I took off for 5 minutes or so and just sat in my car in a parking lot basically hating myself and just really unhappy. I had no choice but to go back and be in the building at least til 5 and then take off again. So that was that. I went and left again til 6pm because I had to meet up with someone. My anger subsided but I was not pleasantly myself or happy. Then Mandy asked me if I wanted to join with her to shop and so I go and chill and let my feelings on the low side and stay still. I did shop but more or less to comfort me and so that is let's just say another 'issue'. It feels good but not for too long. Next thing I find out - my friends from home are here. what do they ask? won't you stay with us for the night? So in my heart I know I shouldn't or a gut feeling that I should say no, but it just seemed perfect to ask Sarah as she was only about 25 feet away from me at the church. A thought went very fast and went somethin like -hmm escape? and just ignored it. I went over to see her and asked and she agrees and says it would be fine, but be back for 9 for worship. I even tried to push it for 10, but NO! Anyway, the evening with them was ok. My heart was still not settled and at this point I don't care because it's near bedtime and off we went to sleep at the hotel and it was mawvelous!!! ya, sure! Anyway on my way back the next morning, my heart was convicted as we approached the building and I was not too thrilled to be back. I came back and knew sometime during the day that I would have to talk to Cathy but I was just not in the mood and a bit scared. But sure enough it came to pass in the early hours of the morning or seemed like it that she invited me into her office.
So confrontation -just not good for me at that point but did good in the end. I broke trust I had with them and the overwhelming feeling of just ahhhhh I just failed and I will never have back what I had or I have to work my way back into this and it will be HARD. But anyway it had to be said and done. I felt HORRibLe. See how selfish I was and just totally went out 'my' way and totally dishonored my leaders and tried to deceive them and manipulated them and erased the thought of 'they're my leaders' and just did my own thing miss independant and I will do this on my own. Get the picture of how deceitful and evil the heart can be. Interesting isn't it? I was good all this time without trying but this time I totally blew it. Truth has come out. I want my way! I did it again!! and it was a surprise and I just wasn't aware how much dirt I have in me. When it gets tough, I want out and that was the plan. Go away and so that it was. It was just such an awful day for me. Of course they forgave me as the right thing to do, but it just not easy to accept that right then and there. know what I mean? I thought if people didn't care about me, this would not be a big deal, but i know love is what made the difference. Of course this will take time to be trusted again but I guess these are consequences of my own foolishness. I get what I deserve and I think I can accept that. I don't know why I have to learn the hard way. Perhaps I am still very stubborn and selfish and I know I still struggle with pride. Anyway past two days have not been the greatest ever. So what did I do this evening? It's just meaningless to say, but anyway...
So ya what a thrill! It was such a drag and it's so weird to be in this predicament and to know tha I am a sgl and not a student anymore makes a huge difference. Darn it! I just hope I will outgrow this thing out of me.
I laughed when they mentioned of me running off when they asked me to stay on a year couple months ago, but seriously this ain't no laughing matter anymore. It's just plain serious and who would have thought it would hit so early? Strange how lil things we struggle with seem so huge after the action has taken place. Ouch!

heck!

yup..one of those days....actually once a year more like it. It's just frustrating and Im angry at myself and I need to sit and just be real with myself but I don't have the time right now... But I guess I'll make time sometime tomorrow. 5 4 3 2 1 shutdown!
now out with friends from home. cool! escape? perhaps but its a good one. It's a treat.

S H F

Seek his face night was interesting. It was good. I find that when we gather to meet him, we shouldn't expect him to come the same way every time, at least that is what I learned tonight. If we did that all the time, we'd have a one track mind and if he showed up differently than that would offend us right? Not necessarily to everyone, but to some. Im sure you get the picture. Ya, it was different and very good.
Ok this is where the yukky stuff comes out, but I will be vulnerable cause it does set one more freeer. While the music was going on and Peter went to set out the bongos I think thats what they are. Anyway everyone got to dance and jump, cry out to God and how ever else people engaged. And so I approached the bongos and I love to tap on my legs usually and this time it was actually fun to do this thing on the bongos. Anyway, the more time I was on it, I was listening to the beat and then this thought came...hmmm ok, I dont like this but hey let's be honest -i wonder if others see that I could play good. And then it hit me and I just slowly got off of them and I laid on the floor. And I said to papa why? I was not feeling guilty, but I wasn't happy about it and I felt very safe to admit to him that I felt that in my heart. Weird, but good let me tell ya. I expressed to him I know that I get like that and asked'why am I like that?'. I know it hits me from time to time and it's so cool how he responded and his answer was, you don't need to get others for attention, You have all my attention, my undivided attention. And right then and there, I just broke because I never thought or known that there were times in my life I wanted to get attention when I couldn't get it from my parents. Interesting isn't it? I don't have to do something to be seen. Know what I mean? I'm amazed tonight actually and I met my dad in a new way. It's almost like I'm getting more comfortable with him being my dad and Im getting to the point where I can freely speak out and not fear him and feel condemned. I know that there is reverent fear and all that, but I've never had an encounter such as this one. It was different. Im still processing this stuff. So all this stuff is freshly off the press, so ya... It's been really good and life changing for me. I got the greatest dad. I need to go pray now.

Monday!

So Monika and I decided to go out and eat. Boston Pizza is not a bad place and not so expensive as I thought or heard I should say and I recommend that you go to the bar cause they have special appetizers that they offer only in the bar and you could get it at a lower price/deal. I dont mean to be cheap, but you know how it is, everyone likes to save. So ya, it's a good place to go and do whatever.
Then off to the stores and I still couldnt find a hoody that isn't so loungy lookin or too casual. SOmethin you can wear as a nice thing/relax in it. So where do I go but to the Lord? Yes maybe I can actually pray where to go or would that be too spriritual? That could save me time and maybe money as well.
We had fun and that's what counts. Spending time with Monika can always be fun and crazy. so...........................
My next mission is to go shoppin sometime soon. ok
i must lay this temple at rest.

Monday!

So Monika and I decided to go out and eat. Boston Pizza is not a bad place and not so expensive as I thought or heard I should say and I recommend that you go to the bar cause they have special appetizers that they offer only in the bar and you could get it at a lower price/deal. I dont mean to be cheap, but you know how it is, everyone likes to save. So ya, it's a good place to go and do whatever.
Then off to the stores and I still couldnt find a hoody that isn't so loungy lookin or too casual. SOmethin you can wear as a nice thing/relax in it. So where do I go but to the Lord? Yes maybe I can actually pray where to go or would that be too spriritual? That could save me time and maybe money as well. But we had fun and that's what counts.
My next mission is to go shoppin sometime soon. ok
i must lay this temple at rest.

MOst ranDom tHoughTs

well well well, this weekend was sweet. I have a poem. The sky was dark as I stepped out to see what the day's weather would be like. I see the man on the bike and made me wonder does he even know how to hike.

Ever have those days when some more money comes in to your account. Interestingly it has happened again. Most times I am sure when it will come and other times I don't know where the money comes from but amazingly I always find out where it has come from. I'm my dad's favorite and I heard recently that is why I am highly favored. Think I'm a spoiled brat? I think not. I say loved.
House/teen sitting! I have not done that in a long time. Funny to see two sibblings at each other's throats. No not really. One's just being silly and the other a lil more mature and try to balance that out. One gets annoyed and other couldnt care less. It's a funny picture at least to me. I am not sure if I am doing a good job at this because the yelling (from time to time) doesn't seem to bother me at all. One making weird noises couldn't bother me and other tries to shut the other one up. It's quite funny. So the question is, am I responsible? I dont know. I would believe I am. Am I being fair to them? hope so...Should I step in because I find it amusing and just enjoy the love between a brother and a sister. O well I think I did my part just being around. I almost forgot the crepes in the oven for dinner. Nothing was burnt whatsoever, but just the fact I was using an oven was abnormal and almost unadjustable. Caferia lifestyle has sure taken its toll on me.
I was at my most weirdest moods this past weekend. It's somewhat disturbing to me at times. I think it could be trying to adjust to this new lifestyle I guess. I don't even know if I can say lifestyle. Living here is different for sure and not being a 'real' student is quite interesting. I find I'm still struggling in some areas.
I really like having conversations with others especially one on one and it's been a while than I've done that. I think I need to be real with someone before the weird/funny/strange comes out of my skin. I got rid of my blonde streak and have gone totally indian now. Never mind tryin to be hmmm white. hey is that a proper term or word? Am I politically correct? Anyway I'm not tryin to be one. I just thought Id go for another new trend. PEOPLE, meet the indian gothic fawnsita. imagine that, and who would have thought? Actually, Ive just turned black, that's all. LOL..hmmm I don't know if I am making sense at all, but Im sure there's a few that will understand.
I had this nasty dream and I don't think I would even want to write it let alone think and ponder on it. It's just disturbing. Ya let's just put it like that. I wish I had the wonderful skill of dream interpretation though, but I guess I could do that if I practiced. hmmmm... man I don't even know if I even make any sense.
I was talking to my friend Ilisapi the other night and how I long to see her again. You know the kind of friendships where you can just be all over about multiple subjects and always get to a point and understand and laugh and cry and yell and squirm because it is just so part of the friendship and nothing could take you further away from the true friendship even if miles could do that. Well, anyway it was just special to hear one of my beloved ones. I know I will be returning to see my friends all over the Arctic area and I believe it's just going to be crazy, exciting and so much fun. I miss them and last night I missed them so much that I just cried and cried. It's so funny that I've been crying a lot at night due to some stuff. You know how it is, but it really wrecks your heart and all you could even do more is cry and somehow it just feels better. Ya, sometimes it can get hard and lonely and eating can make it well and that is just stupidity. I need to get my mind on track. Well anyway I must sleep to get all the energy I need for manana and hopefully get all the nutrients I need to proceed even further.

Heart Surgery

Today was quite the day. I didn't expect a whole lot from papa. It wasn't a fun-ny day because how many know that when it comes to stuff that are close to your heart or things in your heart that you are not even aware of and all of a sudden the master of the universe who cares so much touches a tiny part of you that no one else could and, all of a sudden brings it to your memory a picture or scene of your life. Well I had so much going on today. One of the many things that pushed somethin in me was when Faith said about the mother heart of God that when he created Adam n Eve, he created them in his own image meaning that there is a feminine and masculine characters in God. I couldn't quite get this teaching before until today. I don't know where I was last year when they taught this. My mind musta wandered off. Eve=helper and so fascinating that another time we see that is in the N.T. and it's the Holy Spirit who is our helper. How cool can it get? Well I didn't know that to be sensitive and to talk was perfectly fine and that is how we most females are made and men like into facts and we so need each other to balance one another. Ok, so we went on to forgiving men/male gender and vice versa. Well that was quite intense. We all cried and cried and cried some more. Anyway my story goes somethin like this...
Growin up, I had several men sexually abuse and it hit me that, I was only wanted for that and nothin else mattered about me. I looked pretty good to be used. I think I must have had a sign on me sayin abuse me why don't you. I thought I dont want to carry that anymore. During high school, I was always cheated on and so I would just dump the guy who was supposedly my boyfriend and I did it pretty easily without emotion. Then it hit me again, why was I such a rejected person? The into early adulthood, I went through the same things again and now totally rejected for real. And last spring, I was actually gettin to the point of cutting myself because I could not bear the thought of being wanted by God and I just could not handle being close with others let alone God and here I was tryin to get closer to him but I couldn't. So all these things came crumbling down on me. And so what could I do except ball which was the perfect thing to do and then forgive. It was pretty messy and this only half way through the morning. I'm only saying some things here because it could take way too long so I'm leaving details out. Break time and I really needed time out. Off to the lounge. For some reason I always need to be alone after high intensity... That's how I work and move along.
So now onto mother / baby session. what on earth could that bring now? I was perfectly fine. I did deal with some stuff already with my mom, so Im ok now. Right? Apparently not. I did catch myself puttin my walls up and I wondered why and I remembered my prayer from that morning. I gave permission for papa to touch, heal my heart/life, emotions to see and live n be alive. Kinda dangerous to say such a prayer, but I did. And it was done. So I engaged myself with what was going on and what God wanted to do. That morning I remembered a couple times in my life where I was alone in the house and looking for mom and I couldnt find her and another scene of me trying to hide in the basement so I could find shelter from being abused and still remember to this day thinking, where are you God? See I wasn't in touch with the emotions quite yet. I felt sad and just upset of what happened to me even though it's been a while back. So I got up from the floor and sat on my seat thinking I think Im fine now. My pastor Cathy came over straight at me and I wasn't sure what I was going to do now and to my surprise I broke down as she put her arms around me and held me. I tried my best not to have tears and snots all over her. Who would have thought, Fawnsita would actually need this kind of love. I know I didn't know I needed it, but apparently my dad knew what I needed. It's so weird but good to be in such a vulnerable state like that and there was nothing much to do but cry and receive. And the words she spoke over me were shocking cause I know that she didnt know what I was thinking of and she kept on repeating God found you, papa found you, he found you. man I tell you it was intense because how the heck would she know about these things going on in my head and out of the blue, words my heart that longed to hear, I heard them softly spoken to me. Maybe I wasn't really longing to hear them but it's like sometimes you just don't know what you want to hear or see, but somewhere in the middle God knows what to say through his sons and daughters. There is much more to this but that's it for now. Im telling you, I've not had an intense day as this day.
I would usually allow God to touch one thing in my heart and that was it for me. One thing at a time please God Lord have mercy was my moto and I didn't want more because it's quite painful to go through things you thought you'd never have to think about it or even get in touch with your feelings. All my life I've not felt actually supported and I could actually feel it today and it was like I think I have something in me that I don't see, but there is something good and I know Im worth a lot, but it was like another layer of worth being instilled in my heart. To have someone believe in you is a major thing for me right now, because of lots of reason but I wont list them. Someone believes in me. And I find that soooo cool. It's almost like hey I can do more, I think I can go very far way beyond my expectations.
Man this heart surgery is painful and now I must take it easy. I am so happy to have gone through this because I know I'm in such a good, tender, loving place. It's been worth it.

Awards Night

This is how it went. It's end of school year and I must have been informed that I was going to get award that evening. That evening, I went home to get 'dressed up' and this is a dressed up version of the lil one. She gets this yellow blouse that covers both front and back in a like umm half moon shape blouse with a pair of this bright nice green colored pants and over the blouse is a super bright pink belt. Purty shnazzyyy... And so the night came and sure enough I was called up twice to get my award. I probably got a book or something that would encourage me to be more studious. Anyway, prior to going to the evening event. What was it like getting dressed up when no one was around? I thought so what? Why is this memory crashing in through my brains. I thought I would understand, but for some reason my cells are not working very hard today, but I presume it's gotta be something deeper than I know. Where was my dad in this? I don't know. I don't know where my mom was and I do think she was with me at the gym waiting for me to get on stage to get my great reward, but where was my dad? I don't know if he came along to celebrate. So this scene floods in, but I have lost the emotions that was supposed to include in it. So now, I kinda get the feeling of what the heck is going came in today. I found my way out of the maze. But I don't know why this funny memory comes in. I wonder and I can't seem to get it. I'm purty sure it's very simple, but anyway I guess I'll just enjoy the adventure of finding some treasures that are rare and weird, but very interesting to see the outcome of it all.

HUH?

You know one of those days, you're like what the heck is goin on?? Well, those are one of those days in the advventurous life of the indian girl lost in the maze. She's doing mighty fine though. These days do come and they go forever. I think, but I could be wrong. I've been known to be wrong. Well then, let's get the heck on out of here...........................................................................................

wise men say only fools...

I felt love & loved today. First of all, Gordon came to me just for sake of giving me a hug and I was just surprised and it was just so nice to feel -a papa's love. You could say that was a prophetic move because that morning, all I could feel was love even when no one was near me. It was just beautiful. It's somewhat hard to describe love at times. You feel it and you don't see at times and interestingly you can say that it is just beautiful and leaves you speechless. Ya my day was very special. For a while I felt as though I could love everyone in the building. He loved us all and he poured into my lil heart and then I felt this love pouring out of me for others. And as I envisioned myself saying I love you to everyone around me, he in return told me that is what he does to me. He will tell every one that he loves me.
I'm so loved it's incredible and I love...

S G L

Small group leader is what I am at this moment in time for a year. What could I possibly say? Sgling is fun and interesting, very interesting and may I add another very in there. It's just full of surprises. It's only been less than a week and so far and I believe that I will love my girls for life. I still find it funny to say "my". Do I really own these girls? Not really but I think I can easily adopt them. I have 7 girls under my wing. That's a scary thought in the natural, but I think my dad actually entrusted me to have them in my life at this time. Purty kool huh? I think so.
So I been learning some stuff already. I've got to pray. You think everyone does that. But seriously and honestly, this is where I pray for others now. It's not me myself and I and my loved ones especially family now, but it's the girls in my lil circle. That's purty huge for someone such as I. Because the whole world evolved around me and now I have to share and it's not much about me anymore. Kinda sad, but I'll get over it. Grief does come and goes away forever. I think. It's also a time to speak over life and destiny on a daily basis over the girls and still right now I'm not sure if it's the same thing over and over everyday or add spice to it to make it more tastier, for me or others? good question I don't know. It's a huge matter.

I only met them once for 2 hours last Friday and it was very worthwhile just being with them. I tried my best to be serious and I did succeed but I failed a few times. I couldn't resist pulling a joke here and there. It was all good, nothin too dramatic that would make the girls run away from my presence. I'm actually really excited about them and see the change as months go by. I know that they will change dramatically. Well, I dunno...but anyway I believe they will leave here deeply impacted by what they learn and mostly experience here and I am so glad to be part of their lives. Isn't that just the most amazing gift? Goodness how sweet can that get? I'm lovin it! One of them is actually excited to meet up again and so am I. I want to look cool but (not like I have it all together cool), but relaxed cool and not overly excited scared that I may turn off someone that I may not truly know at heart yet. Know what I mean? Anyway few of you may. Sometimes I can get very excited and some can not handle it and... I don't think I should care less. It's my own feeling of joy and I will express the way I am. Kool, well I just think I just got a revelation of that. Well someone say Praise the Lord!!!

I got to sit and chat with my mentor. I have to keep this on a low profile since she is highly wanted and needed and Yes! I have her in my life and I just love her. I know she loves me dearly and I am looking forward to meet with her and have times of questioning and emailing as months roll by. There will be more times to update and stuff with her, and so this week, she took me out for lunch, how fun is that? and I just basically talked about moose meat and shared about my experiences here already. You know important/fun stuff. Ya, it's such an exciting thing for me about this since I was a person of I can do all things on my own strenght and I am the ultimate miss independant woman, but loads of it has changed, but it's still going to be a challenge, but I want it and I know I need it as well. So yea, another so many interesting things going on in my life. Yes, life is indeed beautiful and why don't we make it more wonderful!!ful!ful!

Ok Thursday night, we had our first social and Manuel, Hannah and I are on the Social Committee. Any comments or suggestions can be emailed at us. Anyway, our theme for the evening was "Blasted Into The Future". ooooooooo Sounds deep and very spiritual doesn't it? Well not really, we had thrown off our highly spiritual cloaks and put on some garments of pure joy. We all dressed as Old Folks and of course I had to make it very special and so I went to VV boutique and bought a nice black n blue checkered dress and looked the BEST. You know how it is... I was very good looking I must say with the cutest butt and added some other stuff. Some of you may understand the butt situation. I just loved it and so did the sgl girls. The group was very enthusiastic about the whole night and it was indeed fun and crazy and you get to see some stuff in other people's masks. It's fun to watch. Niki did great being the M.C. as she used a southern accent, but she's from North Carolina. She's my roomate. We played games and the all time favorite poo dunk was made by me, Phil and I can't remember who, but it was nasty! The games/dances were fun and could have gone on and on But we ended with "all the things that I've done..." by the Killers. Of course it's never the same without my school. Overall, it was not perfectly well planned out but worked out perfectly with the help of everyone.... Teamwork=Success! ok I will try not to be mathematical here. I'm sure you know what I mean.

It's been two Sundays in a row now that we went to eat at this nice place called 'Spring Roll'. I've been there once before with Andrea and other peeps I can't recall at this moment, but last sunday we...let me name them all. All girls from my school, Susan, Shannon, Alysha, Melissa, Hannah, Jenny and I went to eat and had.... funtimes!! It was special I must say. Susan's sisters joined us later on. It's really a nice place to go. I highly recommend you to go. The this evening after Central, we all sgls and Jon Boerger joined to share the joys of having Jack in our lives. He's now a man and no longer a teeny man. So now, my plan is only to go there on special days/evenings. I'd like to go there on a real date once or twice with the man of my dreams. shhh. Don't spread the word people. I think there is someone. I should shut my mouth. I am not allowed to date so I should leave it like that. So there will be no more further things to comment on this. zip! I meant to conclude that Spring Roll is only reserved for special moments in my life. Say if I mastered over eating, I would go there to indulge myself. That didn't quite make any sense. Yea, sometimes I do catch myself doing that. It's a fawnsita thing.
I think I must go up and rest as I may really need it this week. It's now father heart week with a couple from England. (Dalys) I love the accent and I get to host them! cool!! anyway bedtime calls!

success!!

Oh how I love this. Man there is no other kind of love of mine than this... the love of writing. I don't know if I can say this passion has been in there all my life, but it's what I love. Cool!! Anyhoop, so I have this urgency today to buy myself a nice fitted black jeans and I tried on a pair and did I ever look nice in it, BUT you know how it is, there is always a lil somethin somethin wrong with it. Ya my legs are kinda short, so sad to say I didnt get to buy them. I went home slightly saddened but not quite. Not a big deal. The story really, is... I missed my friend today. Do I have to say the words? Do I have to tell the truth? nahnahnah Do I have to shout it loud? Yea, it was Andrea. And by the way that was an ol song from Bryan Adams, I think. See on a typical saturday, we'd do things on the spur of the moment. So I had planned on reading in bed today and stretch my scholastic mind brain cells, but the naggin thought of I have to go buy stuff at H&M at Yorkdale. So off we go as we listened to Kanye West.. Let's go Abi. So ya I bought a set of clothes and jewelry of course and I ended my time there with sushi....just like ol times. I miss you really. O ya, Abi is the name of my car. It's kinda weird at times not having a true good friend around, but you know Im learning to trust my dad even more. I know he's taking care of my need or starvation of some real friendship. I talk to him and it can get funny, but it'd be cool to see him face to face. I love deep conversations and at times it goes into like psychological and or spiritual stuff and it gets even more interesting. Know what I mean? So ya my day was good and kinda lonely but not like hard core lonely. Life is very purty. My friend Mandy just walked on me.... hmmm. I just wanted to use that term. ANyhoop I must get off the computer. gnite

Friday Nite

So it's Friday and I have free time and it's like, I don't know what to do with myself with all this free time. Time is ticking but it's not bothering me and I could have another cup of a grande macchiato 1% with extra caramel because I just seem... not sweet enough. Then again, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am sweet enough. I was just filling some space. Ok why don't I leave and just explore some stuff. So anyway I will be back. I just really want to see what this will look like on the screeen.