shower

I never thought I'd be going to Aj's baby shower but I am later on this afternooon!! Its so exciting and to go shopping for the lil peanut, it's so unstoppable. The joys of shopping for a mini mini lil being. My day is blessed.

conference...late entry

So I had an amazing time with my kind. It was such a joy to see them so wanting more of what he has for them. They are so hungry and they just get it! I am on the road back to Toronto and I must say that I was incredibly blessed by my daddy. I am so loved by him and I also I am just loved by human people that are amazing leaders. Billy and Elizabeth are such an inspiration and they are the ones that helped me when I was so broken beyond repair. They saw something that I could not see and they called it out and loved me unconditionally. I got prayer for the divorce from Carol and it was incredible because I did not know or understand that God divorced from Israel and that just totally surprised me and just feel his love even just now as I meditate and think over of what he as done for me. Shame is broken off. It was just something huge for me because I can say my daddy understands me. He loves me and this is another level of his love that is going to my heart because I never thought God of all gods I guess i can put but men i guess in general would not even know the shame of my past.
5 years ago I thought my life was over and that nothing great would come out of me or anything exciting and that I set for less. What kind of mindset is that? It is definitely not from my dad's side. It is the accuser, accusing me even in my worst time that things would get worse and worse and that nothing was redeemable. But I have been redeemed by the hands of my Savior because I so deserve his love and get a second chance when I really messed up real bad.
I could feel the love and power of truth going in me. All I can remember right now is Carol's prayer and behind that prayer was filled with love and compassion and I am just overwhelmed of this beautiful love that I know that nothing can change the truth of is all. That prayer at that time and moment of it brought so much life into this spirit in me. I just feel very loved right now.

Time

So here I am in vald'Or with John & Carol and along with 4 peepster from my school. Our school was quite significant I must say, but really God is quite amazing. Melissa, Jontue, Jack and Morley are here with me and Ricky as well. It's purty darn amazing....
This place brings memories of 5 years ago. About this time of the year at this conference (they used to have it in February), I was such a broken person. My Spiritual mom and dad B&E had to hide me in this hotel and keep me safe because of what was going on at that time. I was such a broken, messed up and so scared and had to be placed in women's shelter. Looking back, I am so awed by what my papa can do to/in a broken vessel. Here I am in a ministry team with a couple I adore. Although I don't know them personally, I just have a heart for them and a great desire to know and love them more. But just to be here and minister with them and be part of what papa is doing IN the Cree nation is just incredible. It's all God. I used to think that I was missing out on what papa was doing with the First Nation, but I know I never so. And here I am witnessing on what is about to happen in this territory of the Cree peeps. It's wonderful to see what is happening. I am really blessed.

sweet!!!!!

Just couple days ago, I was telling Cathy how it'd be cool and very fun to go to Val d'Or with the Arnotts and she told me tha I was needed here and I completly understood and thought it's ok if I don't go. But today she got a call from John and he wants a team and I will be going! And I get to go with people from my school (except for Ricky) which is sooo cool. I am looking forward to it. This all came this morning and I was already set to stay here but I was asked " would you like to go?" and of course I would love to. So that was that... im going!!! We had make up a team and i made a few calls for accomodations and so cool that Elizabeth (spiritual mom Diamond) got 2 rooms booked for us even though they told her it was all booked, but for her, the manager said he would take 2 rooms for her..so cool !!!!!!!!
What a privilege and really it is an honor...man who woulda thought I would ever travel with John and Carol??? and even though it is for a few days, my desire of last year has come to pass. I get to be with them and do a mini conference and on top of that, it's to the Indians like me! woohoo!!!!! I do not know what we will be doing exactly, but who knows, we may be in the ministry team. I really don't know. It will be my firstest ever to be with the Arnotts and that is so exciting. I really don't quite know what will happen, but I am mostly very excited as this is a major thing papa will do in the Cree Nation... Bringing and revealing his unreasonable love to us all.
I was nervous not knowing who I may see, but papa's got me, so I try not to worry. It will be good. Hallelujah.
Praise the LORd!!!!! amen!
This is a major thing man and I am just sooo full of excitement. I should probably sleep as I may need all the rest I need to drive. Thank you Jesus!!!!

anger

everyday is so interesting... so we learned about how is it a healthy emotion that needs to be expressed...very good points there Cathy... Got a memory of a scene at home about 7 years ago. Sad one but it came. I was informed to get in touch with the emotions of that day..... do i really want to? i do actually...really interested where it will lead me to..besides all the forgiveness and releasing,...what comes after that? who knows but the mysterious one does know about it all... Anyway that will be my assignment this week. It came for a reason im sure so now i have to get on with it....hope to get it done before friday.

huh?

have you ever screwed up so bad that it seemed like there is no turning back and see no way out of a situation? well thats where i was today until i decided to walk into the light....i was either gonna be covered in shame or not...
extremely humbling and very vulnerable... i couldnt imagine what was going to happen but i found out that my papa's love is unreasonable, so much so that it offended my religious mind. should i take it or live in misery? simple answer...the process itself was not fun at all, but like he says he turns things for the better n he seriously uses foolish things...like i was... he is quite unbelievable and yet powerfully true. He really loves me and still likes me when i mess up big time...hes really faithful.

tears and...

and so much more. It seemed like it wasnt going to end. I did not quite expect what happened to me today. I was very ugly all snots and tears. I haven't cried that much ever in about a year maybe. So this morning during worship, singing backup for Mandy, a few minutes, I felt this foreign but good presence in front of me and I could feel I was in this tube of presence. It's a bit hard to describe, but it was good. Sometimes I just don't understand at all what goes on, but I know something good happens. Now the question is, should I be totally be able to say what goes on?

Anyway, so we start again for the morning and I tried my best to pay attention. I did pray a bit that I get my focus straight. Anyhoop as time clicked, I was getting a bit agitated with all this great stuff and over an hour into it, I must have fallen asleep because I got up and my head was numb and I could see the carpet bubbles on my arm. Anyhoop after the break, we all stand to pray and forgive and I slowly lost it. So I decided to honor my feelings I guess and I may have been like that for a good 45 minutes and on n off crying. I guess about almost one o'clock out of the blue I had to go...where? I dont know where exactly. i just wanted to breathe and eat in my car, so off i went to a grocery store parking lot and had my lunch...and then i went grocery shopping. I think that was the healthiest decision i ever made. I gave up starbucks n chocolate n running away venting which are my main weaknesses.
Anyway I get back for 2 and meet with the Dalleys for a mini talk for us all sgls and one sentence made me CRY again.... Thought I was done for the day, but he was apparently not done with me. So this is the line, "It's an unreasonable love" No matter what I done and do, He my dad loves me sooo much its's crazy. I could not handle it and my only way to respond was to cry.... and so I cried again and again.
And so true also he said that "his love is so good that it offends the religious mind".

I thought nothing was gonna happen today but he came to me and loved me in the areas I never cared for or given up.
You know... He wants to be with me. He wants to. And that alone just goes soo deep into my spirit. wow i just remembered something, papa told me that 'you will experience my love and the depth of it...." I've never experienced this kind of love today, it was a very special day. If I was to be alone, I would have just fallen to the floor and weep, but I didn't, but yet, even still... I could still feel his love overwhelm me. He's just so GOOD to me...............................

my girls

I had 2 dates in a row now and I just love it! Well the first one was an actual starbucks date and the other a sweet date in room where there is no disturbance. It's kinda hard to point out where exactly this love n excitement is coming from especially when I have time with them. They are so precious to me and I just adore them because they are so gentle and open to talk and receive what I may or not say. It's such a blessing! Anyway I wanted to keep it short since i need to go to bed and learn to get up early so I can have time with mi papa. i am blessed! thank you Jesus!

Father Heart

always so interesting and mysterious about this heart stuff....So I got up laughing because my roomate Jess and I slept in and woke up exactly at 9am. Our other delightful roomate Jo was up early as usual and out of the room who knows what time she left.
So we get up and Jess is all freaking out since this is her first time she was late for something which made it so even more funner or funnier. She was purty freaked and she started to laugh because I couldnt stop laughing. It was just too funny. anyhoop so we meet for father heart week and it was cool.'
I was feeling fine before it all began... I dont think i was picking up on anything. It was all good. So we go "out there!" where God goes and we tag along as he teaches us to be his hands and feet. Interesting. It was purty sweet. Pete goes on singing n singing and his lyrics go something like "you're beautiful..." Out of the blue, I cry resentfully because I just was not in the mood to cry...but I did. It hit my heart and the fact is, I cant recall my dad ever say to me 'you're beautiful'. It was good, but again I just didnt want to stay there for long, but it was goood. I hAd some good shedding of tears for a while. So yea! It comes out so mysteriously, his love is pure though and and and..... maybe I shall go rest a bit....(soak)

scheduling

well today was special....I cried
See I thought but i wasnt getting anywhere on my planning and going with the plan. I wanted a schedule/ routine and manage time better. I had all these visions and dreams about the school and it's especially just for me, personal stuff that I want to grow in and adopt a lifestyle of time management and adapt to it as we start the school. This has been in my heart for the last couple weeks, but this morning I felt very sad that I have NOT made my time with my dad and other things such as time alone and dates with friends and just important things to me. I was sorry that I have not gone out with this dream that I believe comes from my papa because Im such a HIGH mover and do what I want and what others want and if it works for me, (someitmes I will only go so far with a person or people if it works for me). And there are times I will do it because I just feel like it.... So this morning during worship, I felt like I was failing and not getting anywhere and here my routine has already begun. I am doing what I want and just moving at my own pace. I discovered more today that I despise PLaNinG, hate it very much. I need to do it because I am on the social team...anyway I broke down in small group and I admittted that I am having a really hard time with this scheduled life or I want to adapt a lil into my life. And I mean a really hard time. Like the way you struggle to quit something that is not really helping you kinda struggle.....It's really hArd for me. yea.......

So before anything was shared, Cathy asked us what do we see ourselves as animal wise...sounds kinda funny but immediatley I thought of a Kangarou. I dont know much about them, but they jump into many places and carry someone. Anyway Cathy said something that made me think twice. I found out that I didnt like about me and moving toooo much and sure when i do that extreme that is to watched and directed a bit, but I deep inside I despised the way I moved but that can be good because I am a mover, Kangaroo represented Nations and going to places and me being the Indian tha I am represents a lot of moving around and bring good and not only bad things.... To make it simple, mover in me has been redeemed. But it doesnt mean that I will dump this scheduling.... So today I planned out half of my schedule...it was easy to fill out the work duties I need to do and the rest that are more unpredictable such starbucks time, godtime, alone time, one on one time, shopping time(verylittle)...and lil things like that.... I want to have my own lil worship time alone too with my guitar and sing away.
i actually got a song or a rythm during break and i really like the sound than the lyrics to be honest...silly to say because its from the bible, but i think i just need to add lots more to it.
anyhoop I have to sign off since I have a date with my sweet karlye who was in my small group but now is an sgl. sweet times!!!!

first small group

So we had our smallest group today. I still have 4 missing and we will be all together in a couple weeks. Anyway I had fun with the 3 I had today. Two of them I am really excited to see what's goin to happen to them and the other, I have a heart for. She's very sweet and funny as well. Anyway it was pretty chilled out and we did collaging so it was good. i laughed a lot, so that really matters to me and my heart. Anyhoop tht's it for now. I have to take Ayshka to the mall so she can buy her MAC laptop... Mac is doing pretty good. ok byethey are here

day one

So today was quite the busy day. Non stopo from 9 til 9pm iguess. All went well and smoothly. Most students are here but 2 of mine i have not seen. My brasilian friend is comin in tomorrow. woohoo. It was a bit weird for me today, part of me didnt want to be here this morning but it all turned out for the better later that night.

I dyed my hair and I have red/copper streaks and this morning I was asked to change it because it is not natural... I totally forgot about the dress code or body image code, i dunno how to call it. Anyway G was nice to have me leave it like that ...basically I have to let it die out. So that was ok, but later on I had this attitude coming up but didnt manifest itself outwardly. So just before registration started, Ijust started to think about how somehow most times I get into these lil wrong doings or mistakes that always leads me to face authority. I dont get it, i just hope that I dont have a sticker on my head saying I always make the wrong decisions.... so I was a bit upset that I done that and I guess knowing I disappointed , not sure if that is the word but it felt frustrating because I dont mean to be foolish but did a foolish thing I totally forgot...totally. It didnt cross my mind when I got it done. Anyway the day went by busy and lotsa faces and names to know. It was great by the time we had dinner, I began to have lotsa fun with the girls at the table and worship was just sweeeet. i loved it! Lovely Sarah came over for couple minutes to pray for me and she said that I bring joy to the Father and that simple word jst broke my heart. I believe he wanted to bring it up since I didnt really bother with it today, but he cared enough to say that I do not disappoint him, that I bring joy to him and am a bringer of joy. That was so goood to hear. So I repented for believing lies....
man there are just so many things i dont know and so much to discover. thank u papa for your love for me!
anyway I must to SCHEDUALIZING... this might be hard but I pray that I make this become a reality with God's help.

sgl #2

second school of my sgl life is commencing today at 9 am. i just used a french word. Today i skyped n downloaded loads of my cds onto my itunes. its so exciting. I finally own something I paid and I know this will bless me as I get into the more things I want to do. I plan on starting to write my book. I want to prepare and at least get a head start with it. I am now in my bedroom as I wished to remain in the same room. This will be another journey of my life of new love n goodness. Niki and I are no longer roomates but we're really good friends for life. It sure feels different but it is a good one and the new ones coming will bring me somethin i dont have and vice versa. Anyway I shouldnt write too long as it is already late and I should be sleeping to get all the energy I need for tomorrow. Thank you papa for everyone n everything that blesses my heart! ok nite now.

mac

i just got my mac today! now i will be more connected to everyone thats close to me....i should go to bed though. its late, but ya today was quite the day for me... sweeeet blessings.........