Go untraditional

Hey friend. It's been a long while. Tis the season to be jolly falalala whatever and some it's just a long holiday of whatever comes. Soon I'll be packing my bags and head home. My home. This town don't feel like home to me. I'm from here but my heart is at my little home. 

If you don't know me now. I'm a simple lady with some complexity I suppose. I know I'm not ordinary but I'm neither extraordinary. I love family. I love Christmas time. I will admit I liked our traditional ways of celebrating at this time of the year. This year we didn't plan on being untraditional but it just so happened like that. It's still very much holiday mode for most people. To some, it's just a long day of daily reminders of what a sad life some of us can have. Let me just be blunt and sarcastic here. I'm so annoyed with how Christmas has turned out to be. It's such a stressful time and forget about money. Is it really necessary to buy gifts anymore? Honestly my best gifts were socks. They could have stopped there. That's what I wanted. Everything else was a bonus I suppose. So I calculate well I try but I'm sure I did terribly but the amount spent on me was probably over $200 or so. I just despise the idea of how we spend on one person and every member of the family. And do we get to appreciate the gifts? I don't know. I'll love my socks. I mean like for a very long time.  I didn't expect to have that many. I won't complain. But I'll complain that I won't be having my annual fishing & trapping with my dad this time.  My one wish before I came home was that. Unfortunately it won't happen and I'm sad but I'll get over it. There are things we cannot change and I thank the serenity prayer for that. So much has gone through my mind since I been home for Christmas. I'm glad I have my big brother's family here or else I would have gone back to my little abode. I got to spend more time with them in the evenings. Made quick visits to see everyone which was nice. Coming to mom & dad's empty home just isn't all that fun. I do appreciate the quietness and chill but there's only so much I can handle that. I live on my own all year, and more hours alone is rather annoying. I was hoping we would be all at mama's home. But I also understand my younger brother has a family now. And I completely understand they want to spend time with their grandson. I love that. I think it's a beautiful kind of love. I sure hope Wabby & Josh appreciate them. The serenity prayer comes in handy. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... But you know. I can look back and thank God for all the past Christmases we had and be grateful that our family tree is actually growing. Again it's bittersweet for me. While everyone else is having a spouse or having kids or celebrating with families. I'm the one standing strong & solo. Perhaps everyone thinks I'm strong but no one knows how fragile my heart is and how I pass my moments in tears wishing for a simple innocent hug. Or someone to tell me you know it's gonna be ok. Yea I can talk to myself but sometimes hearing it builds more hope within.  I don't want a pathetic life. I wish my life was meaningful. Sometimes I just love my life because I'd hate to fight with the one "I love". It just seems so complicated when I look at people's relationships. I know I'd hate to have someone see my insecurities and see how complicated I am. I can live with myself but I hate seeing my darkness though. What a journey it's been this holiday. Couple members of the community passed away and that's so heart breaking. I thought of all others who've lost their loved ones. How difficult it must be to be jolly. I guess traditions aren't meant to kept for decades. They're meant to be broken. I didn't get to bake this year. Or go to church. Or have amazing brunches. It's all ok. I have a roof and a bed and a remote control and food for comfort. I know God is somewhere listening. And probably reading what I'm typing. I think he knows I'm a simple person. I just want time and food and family and popcorn & movies. But let's just change that. And so I leave 2016 with many random thoughts. I'll raise my glass of water to 2017. Take me anywhere but here. I need a new prescription. 20/20 please. Thank you! 

Beauty around me brings healing

Talk

Sometimes I find it's the least favourite thing to do in my daily living. Sounds horrible. But I think there's just an overload of activity that I brought my brain that far and it ends up being such a chore to say anything. But today we had a great opportunity to chit chat and I ended up talking my heart out. At least 75% of it. Thankful to my dearest Lois for being just herself and chill. It was a successful day :)

The process

Ever want to see the end of a process? Ever want to skip over to the finish line? Ever want to fast forward and get over it? I presume that would be cheating. There are no shortcuts to tough times. You just have to go through the pain of it all. As much as I love a roller coaster, the emotional one is not my favourite. We fall drop to our knees and can't go on another minute. But what do you know? You're moving on without knowing you are taking one step further from 30 seconds ago. 

The most difficult part of this journey is seeing your most beloved ones hurting.  You wish you had the best of words to take away the heartache but there's no comfort but one must go through it in order to understand and help those who will walk in that journey sometime in the future to let the world know you're not alone. As we all know there is nothing new under the sun. Heartache isn't the most attractive thing but it does change you.  It's up to you to grow better or get worse. So at the crossroads, we must take the action and take the lead of where you want to be. Where will your broken heart take you. It's our responsibility to live in despair or go the other way. It's your call where you're headed in the process...

That second. Moment. Time. Season.

To walk through the pain of it all. I suppose it isn't life when we are not broken to pieces and hurting. Life isn't worth living without the emotions of pain, frustration, anger, hatred, and resentment. Imagine if it was all roses? I'm accepting the fact that pain is inevitable and without it, we would never know compassion. Without compassion, we wouldn't know how to communicate. Without communication, there is no community. Without a community, there is no life. Would I want to live life without being hurt and in pain? No. For this too shall pass. But for now, let me walk through this lonely painful season. They come and go. There are better days ahead of us and some sunshine. Amen

Positive thinking

Been a while...

I haven't felt so drained in a long time. Emotional days are pretty strong. They can beat you down. I don't mind being beat. I know someday soon I will be strong again. But for now, I'll take this time to mourn. 

Day 20

My big day of socializing from morning to midnight. What could I have asked for more but a run and breakfast with Lois. Lunch with Cathy & Sarah. And at last a dinner with Hannah & Lois at some joint in junction! It was a day about my heart. Spent the day with my favourite people of the world. Happy birthday indeed! Best day of my life this year!

Day 19

Wax. Bleach. Travel. Final destination TO :) finally a bit of shopping! And a whole lot of love!!

Day 17

I can't bring myself to pack the day before I leave. I don't understand how I can procrastinate every time. It's a mystery to me :)

Day 18

En route to North Bay! Woke up at past 6am & packed. For some odd reason I cannot bring myself to pack before the day before I leave although I do try but it always fails. One day I will make it happen. So anyway I had to leave late for that and finally managed to be on the road by 8:30. I only saw one caribou surprisingly and thankfully so I got to drive at a decent speed this time! After you reach Matagami, everything seems like a breeze. Ontario didn't seem far. I could have drove until Barrie but I got tired by 9pm and stayed for the night. I went to visit the college boy and got to see Evan Alexander which was a nice treat! Went to bed at a decent hour so I could run in the morning! It was a good day! Only 12.5 hours on road all by myself and Jesus of course. :)

Day 16

Before we went back home, we stopped at the furniture store! Yes! My time to chose what I would like to have in my house. It was exciting most of it and got stressed by selecting my dinner table and all its material. But I managed to select at least for my bedroom, dinning room and my couche:) now my next mission is to check how big my house is for every room! Exciting times!!!

Day 15

En route to Val-d'Or with my colleague. Our first delivery trip this year and who knows how many we will make this year. We love our getaways and travels for work. We left at 9:30am and made it at 8:30pm and had a late dinner. All in all a safe ride even though we encountered a ton of caribou! 

Day 14

Today we went to support our friend burry his daughter. It was a sad day.... But it was just good to be with him in this time of sorrow. I remembered that there are times for everything. I know we have had lots of good times with our friends and although we met again for a reason that words can't describe how to comfort someone but just being there was all that could ease the sorrow.  We left with our hearts content to some level that all we could do or be with all we had and all we could do... Be present and leave a mark on his heart. We love you Gilbert!

Day 13

Back to work!! We got locked out and couldn't go to the gym this morning! So I went on the treadclimber at home and burned tins of calories! I love to burn!

Day 12

Sunday! Rest day or should be a day full of it. What happened today? Can't recall. 

Day 11

One of my best Saturdays so far! Fresh blueberry pancakes to kick off the day! All packed and set to go hunting for the day! Was a successful hunt! It was cool chilling with my Webb brothers all day! 

Day 10

Loved my Friday morning run! This day I finally made the time to go see my girlfriends and chill and finally exchange the gifts! 

I was actually happy to install and set up Ed's mini iPad after 4 or 5 unsuccessful tries! Was done at 3:30 or so :) nerd! Yay!

Day 9

I was shocked about my record time at 27 minutes 50 seconds but now I've come to think of it, I really did push myself.  Throughout the holidays I ran 35 min knowing that's approximately 5k. My mom's treadmill doesn't have a fancy one so I had to do my calculations and keep running. I can actually run 5k under 30 minutes. My best record was 24 minutes and 37 seconds last year in March before goose break. If I can maintain my speed for the next few weeks, 24 minutes should be no problem by spring time. 

I suddenly felt very social after my workout!

We went to a birthday party. The last time we went to Leslie's party was last year and we were late & again this year. It was a nice evening though and then I went to see Cindy for a short visit and deliver her gifts!

Had a couple highlights! 

Day 8

The most exciting part of the days as entering the fitness centre! It was like going home. I only wanted to run. So I did my 5k. My routine is taking place. 

Drastic change in me. I'm looking foward to staying put and not travel, so I can keep up with my fitness regime :) burn baby burn!! 1180km to go this year!!