Damn

It just hurts

3:01

Still up with a messed up heart. Back to work in a few hours. How I thank you blogspot for hearing me out! Everyone is asleep and I'm just not sure who would want to stay up with me, although a text would do just miraculously oh so good but I've got to come to my senses and move on.... Right into sleep mode would be smart but this brain isn't feeling tired of doing its own laps in my head. My heart however is getting tired and torn. Sometimes or many times I wish I had someone to love me. I miss loving someone special. Thought it was meant to be, but it's not.
Drove home the other day, to my parents really. And it hit me, this trip is not much exciting. It was the most dreadful and tearful ride to a place called Mistissini. I don't have someone to go 'home' to and just seems meaningless to live here and just want out. Is there any hope out there for me? I hate these bouts of depression that come every year. How can one stay faithful? How can love float aimlessly? Damn....

skipped March?

Time goes a lil too fast for me I’d say. It’s already past mid April and I thought Spring was here, but Winter has returned. We’ve had snow in the last couple of days. I’ve hibernated all weekend long due to a nasty head cold and it is now Tuesday and I’ve not returned to work. I find that this is the only time I get to write or blog or email to friends. So much things consume my time.

I wish I had more time with people though. I have so many hours in the office that it’s getting to me. I dunno how long I will work in an environment like that. I am happy but I don’t see how I can stay there for another year. It’s not so fun I guess. I know not everything is meant to be fun but I know you’re supposed to like what you do so you can be great at it. That is not the case for me.

My brother went to see Oprah last night in Toronto. I was more excited to see him on tv than to see Oprah. Sorry Oprah. And of course his face was on tv. She’s a great and an amazing lady, but I must say my brother is greater fan of her. I thought about it last night how my brother will be among great people of influence and he loves that and it’s totally natural for him too and I on the other hand just love being with my normal day to day friends, not people, my friends. But you can give me Oprah and I will be the one to interrogate her as I love to hear “your story”. But it won’t feel like an interrogation, but may feel like you’re sitting with curious George. :) Heart has always been close to me and to see yours is like sharing the richness of life. This is where the next paragraph starts.

So I met some great people of my kind. Really my own kind. I’ve always been drawn to different nationalities before. But this season, I have found myself meeting people from the great Chisasibi. A Cree community that is the furthest up that you can get to by vehicle that is. There’s another one further up from Chisasibi, but would need to fly up in order to get there. Anyway, in the last 6 months or so, I’ve met more Chisasibi people than any other Cree in our nation and even in Mistissini. I am meeting more of the Crees from Chisasibi that live here for work and some even gotten married here for many years and even more years than I have. I always find that funny. Anyway, meeting these sweet hearts have drawn me to check out what’s happening to my heart again. So I went on an excursion sort of.

Last month, I went to live there for a week and worked from there as well. (I work at a regional head office and now we have offices in just about every community.) Just about every southern Cree doesn’t like going up north to our northern Crees. It’s not like we live so far south, but traveling for hours on the road north isn’t exciting to many and no traffic on the road but a car here and there and no street lights except at the gas station half way to your destination... you get the picture. Anyway, I came in with my bags and groceries and settled in for work. I totally made myself at home. O ya, I forgot to mention that I have a home in Chisasibi. It’s funny how fast I somehow manage to find a home in all the places I’ve been on this earth. Thanks God for looking out for me and taking care of me and placing me in the right homes.
Chisasibi is roughly 700 km away from the nearest town (French town). It takes me roughly 8 hours to get there. That’s traveling on gravel road from my hometown! oh the joys of northern life. The community is populated with 3500 people and mainly Cree and a maybe 100 Inuit people. It’s quite a massive town. The difference I see is that they are much more social people, to some extent more friendlier too. I can’t say Mistissini isn’t as I’ve not lived here long enough, but I know this town is a busy one and everyone doing their own thing. I totally localized myself while my one week stay there with work and going to the gym, off to the store, hanging out with friends at night, checking out local events and participating in them, drove mama to Radisson to get her hair done. I did the whole 9 yards. I loved it. Even as I left to go back to Mistissini, that highway was fun and smiled almost all the way home thinking yea, I could do this and live here and drive long hours. who cares? I love it!

The lovely thing about isolation is it pushes you to be connected with people. These people were all strangers to me and I met one person and met another and so it goes on. We’ve now become friends and a few become family as well. I’m getting to know them more and more as we are now connected through blackberry, texts, facebook and even a phone call. :) technology serves well in these cases. In my hometown, we have an outlet very close to town. Just about anyone can leave south on weekends and come back to work and routine keeps repeating. And with the time flying, there’s barely any time for visiting or ’socializing’ and once weekend rolls around, off we go again to get away from the “rez” life so everyone calls it around here.

So what I’m trying to say is, I love these people. I love the community. I don’t care how bad some may say about it. I find my love is stronger. These people have touched my heart and led more closer and closer each times to them. I miss them and long to be with them. So what did I do? I applied for a job up there. So we shall see what will happen. If the door opens, then fantastic, if not, then another will open. I think it’s time I move on my own and explore the Cree nation where not everyone would like to go! yep! there she goes again! Is this a sign for another significant move? I wonder and i do hope so too. Because why would I be so thrilled about this community? The feeling reminds me of the time I knew I was headed to the Arctic. So we shall and see.

My heart gets excited just thinking about it!

Vancouver or Vancity

Taking a moment to take this in all by myself.
I look at the clouds and blue skies just makes my life perfect. Water just soothes my soul. These boats make me smile without a great big reason. The mountains across the city make me think how beautiful my life is at this second. Every time a find a place of serenity, I always wonder how did I get here and what did I deserve to be here? But I guess I shouldn't even question what God will give me. Whilst in this comfy chair with a warm cup, I'm being serenaded by Adele in this beautiful coffee shop and now I ask myself, what more do I need now? I know there is so much more out there for me, but for now I will take a deep breathe and accept this beautiful blessing called life!

tears are a language?

I noticed that I’ve been crying for two days. not long ones at all, but short ones, but I find them so healing. For some reason, I felt the tears more than I normally do. Almost like they had more meaning to cry. Perhaps all other tears were coming out of pain, but these tears I’ve shed have touched something deep in me and made me appreciate tears because of the sweet release that came with it. I’m intrigued. So if tears are meant to be shed, then so be it. Let them fall. They come out beautifully and bring a sense of satisfaction like none other. Appreciate, embrace, accept and love tears, for they do you real good. Let them fall where they are meant to fall. It’s all on good ground that I am sure. goodnight for now.

wow

I met someone yesterday. I saw perfection. I never felt like this before. It was almost magical, almost indescribable and mesmerizing. I was in awe that a person could reach into my soul and make my heart react. I loved an unseen being for 9 months and I got to hold him yesterday and it was just wow. He touched my heart and melted.
I could say more, but perhaps another time. I need more time to soak this in.

You can't always get what you want

Theme of my life right now. Surrendering to no. I must be honoring and respecting to this.
I'm thinking it's not my season to pursue that one dream... I thought today that maybe I shouldn't have my roots deeply rooted in this region where I kinda call home. So that thought brings me some peace and hope that another door will open in the near future. I find myself that I still won't say my home is blah blah blah but I seem to throw out, I'm originally from Mistissini but moved around and thus more of an outsider... I'm going 35 in a few hours and I find myself with nothing to show of what I've done or accomplished in life. I failed marriage and I got over that and now it's a career I'd like to build upon. Perhaps I should just leave & go to school and get a business degree of some sort. As much as I respect my own leaders, I would rather be my own boss :-) I'm also looking into buying a house, so I can rest my head & say I'm at "home" that would be the greatest day for me.

A dream

I reckon I had a very interesting dream. I had a friend and she jumped into this extremely deep water fall or somehow looked like a hole. I actually landed in the end, but I couldn’t find my friend. Soon after she jumped off, I jumped off too. I see her hit the wall on her way down. I came back to the surface to this auditorium and I could see people looking toward me almost in anticipation... waiting for an event to start and there were three aisles and on each aisle, I seen 3 or 6 men standing as if they got told to freeze from moving further. I went in the back and did this u turn and as I was on the other end believe I was in a small room about to get on the stage or something.... can barely remember the dream... interesting though!

January First Twenty Twelve

I have gone through many emotions today. It's been a good day. I had a couple hours of solitude. I love those times especially in the city. Feeling alone when you’re among city slickers. I hope to pay attention to my emotions this year and actually make a phone call to friends & family. I hope to be more up close & personal. I hope this technology won’t overtake me and digitalize my beloved ones. Everyone deserves time. I will not buy material things to get your love or work my way to get your approval. Time will tell where my heart is and I hope that it will be a display of beauty that I see in you.

2011

I've tried to look back and see what great things I've done in the last 12 months. I can't say I had a great year, but I did change one thing for sure. My exercise habits and has now become a lifestyle which is pretty cool I suppose. I lived in 2 different communities both for 6 months. Where should I move to now? I am anxious to move and live on my own. I've become a trainer which is great for me and the ladies that come to my classes. I've had more training in six months than ever before. I traveled like crazy in the last month. My visit to Quebec city was one of my highlights, we went to hang out with our friend Tina.
I hope it's perfectly ok to say that I don't want 2011 anymore but looking forward to the new year. I reckon my feelings last year as the new year approached, there was nothing exciting to look forward to. I may have been more or less depressed about the new year. However this new year coming, I am actually excited. Who knows why, but I'm so glad this year is about to end.

J O S H U A

My brother celebrates his birthday!! we are now the same age for over a month!! Happy birthday Josh!

Where is it?

More & more I would like own my own place now. Not so much of a great huge house, but a perfect house for me so I can call it my home. Believe it or not, I don't call Mistissini my home or at the house I live atm, I call it the parent's house. It is not my own and I may sound proud, but I can't seem to bring myself to say that I'm going home, but I call it my mom or dad's home.

Is that wrong?

Am I so disconnected that I don't call my hometown home? I've always been considered an outsider, even in my family and I can't blame them. I did move around from one place to another. When I consider that, I prove myself innocent, but when I think of how family oriented I should be, then I am guilty of charge. "She's in her own world" as they used to say. How do we break out of that lifestyle? I want to believe that I am normal and ok with that, but there's something in me that would say I am not at peace with that.

I wouldn't consider myself lost, but travelling miles on end trying to a place to call my home. That's all. I may not fit in the local towns, or communities as I've been told once or twice before. I believe my international heart may take over the ring around me and sending that vibe that I ain't no local, but may be a lil loca as most people have found a place at least for a season anyway.

In a way I am fed up of my "dormitory" lifestyle. I would like to get somewhere and be happy. I am at a place where I will accept where I am, but I may not be necessarily happy of the location I'm at. The pressure builds up when I think of my family and how I should be a good daughter, sister and aunt to my lil beloved ones. But when I think of how they would love to come and visit me, I think they would be proud that I can do it or make it alone out there in the world. I hope they know that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some are meant to be alone and if that would be the case for me, then so be it.

Parents worry I am alone, but I don't understand how they can be as they have seen me pretty independent. Do I look miserable to them?

Anyway, enough said for now!

Beat!

Late nights have beat me up once again and why am I still up at this hour? The weight of tiredness comes in waves, it seems like it has just come & gone. Time is what the struggle is for me at this point in my !Life. Let us run against time :)

my dearest psychologist

where do I begin? I have much to say. First, just want to thank you for hearing me out. I kinda hate that there are still days where I just don't know where to turn to when I desperately want to talk to someone that will listen and suggest ideas and whatnot.
I'm feeling more or less stressed out. work is demanding and home has its expectations as well and I have to bounce because that is my de-stresser outlet.
I question myself, am I cut out for this type of work? it's fun at times, but the political side of it all makes me stop and stare at the screen and wonder what am I supposed to do next? 70% of me wants to doubt that I can do this and the 30% says I may manage to be an expert an managing and organizing 26 peeps.

anyway I am so tired. I must sleep and I hope I am not going to get kicked out of class for not admitting my assignment. I seriously need some time management skills to be sharpened!!

nice new chapter

I am into exercising on the ball now and ended up leading classes n now travel for work... i still wonder what's the next chapter, but I will enjoy what's before me.

To lose

In less than12 months, I lost my mentor. He was an incredible leader. So incredible... He adopted me in my darkest season of my life.That was hard. Really hard... My world was just not the same at all. July 26, I lost grandfather who happened to be the last siblings of all the Iserhoffs. Not only that, he was my only grandfather I ever had. Had a step grandfather but he passed away when I 12, so there no strong ties than I had with noomshoom. I saw my grandpa so ill that my faith was shaken and was angry at God. It was a painful experience. I may need counseling and hope to get some somehow somewhere. And 2 weekends ago, I lost my boarding home papa Sam. Last I seen him was in church and gave me a big hug & a kiss. We talked a bit and how good he was doing after his mild heart attack. Then i get the dreaded phone call. At this point I didn't know what to think or feel. I was just in a numb or shock that I couldn't really process anything. So, I've gone through a.... a time to lose... In all this grief, i know my heart will heal, in due season.

Baby Girl

Couple weeks ago, my cousin Beth asked my brother & I to be godparents to her new born baby. We were both thrilled & honored that they would even consider us since we both don't have any children and not married! We gladly accepted the honor. And now, I have a new responsibility to pray and bless and teach this little being in the ways of God. I think i'll be a good parent and will enjoy this new role in my life. See, let's turn this subject just a bit more to the opposite. I work with a director that deals with life and death emergency situations. And I have to be ready to work outside of working hours, and we work with sad and painful situations. Since I've worked with this department, my heart has become numb to death and the emotions that come with it. I just don't connect emotionally in some ways and that isn't really good. I believe I am to feel with those people that grieve, but these months of community grief has taken its toll on me. In some way, it has been depressing, but this is life... I may not understand why we have funerals just about every month, and that's part of life as we know it... Alas a glimpse of hope came into view. A day ago, I was thinking of, what life did change me? Perhaps change is rather not the perfect word to use. But I know one thing, what impacted my life was the new birthing of a tiny baby who was premature yet made perfectly! And I love her already. I imagine her future so bright! I needed to experience life! Thus I received my blessing! I love my godchild and I will forever be loving to my lil beebs. Thank you Beth, Pat, baby Ny, and mostly God for blessing me a new life to love, cherish and bless!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

goose calls

Crees go wild at this time of the year. I've eaten geese twice now :)

I'm late

I just joined twitter. wonder if it's any worth. I am a 9-5 worker til end of June and we will see where I fall after that. Who knows where I may end up, but I sure hope it will be good. I think that's it for now. til then rest easy.

I see snow

it keeps melting, bit sad. come back whitey.