Hello are you there too?

Wow it’s been years I stopped by here. My eyes are puffy & tired. Anxious to hit the hay tonight. It’s been exhausting kinda day.

Technology Taken over me. Someone take me out of this washer.

Go untraditional

Hey friend. It's been a long while. Tis the season to be jolly falalala whatever and some it's just a long holiday of whatever comes. Soon I'll be packing my bags and head home. My home. This town don't feel like home to me. I'm from here but my heart is at my little home. 

If you don't know me now. I'm a simple lady with some complexity I suppose. I know I'm not ordinary but I'm neither extraordinary. I love family. I love Christmas time. I will admit I liked our traditional ways of celebrating at this time of the year. This year we didn't plan on being untraditional but it just so happened like that. It's still very much holiday mode for most people. To some, it's just a long day of daily reminders of what a sad life some of us can have. Let me just be blunt and sarcastic here. I'm so annoyed with how Christmas has turned out to be. It's such a stressful time and forget about money. Is it really necessary to buy gifts anymore? Honestly my best gifts were socks. They could have stopped there. That's what I wanted. Everything else was a bonus I suppose. So I calculate well I try but I'm sure I did terribly but the amount spent on me was probably over $200 or so. I just despise the idea of how we spend on one person and every member of the family. And do we get to appreciate the gifts? I don't know. I'll love my socks. I mean like for a very long time.  I didn't expect to have that many. I won't complain. But I'll complain that I won't be having my annual fishing & trapping with my dad this time.  My one wish before I came home was that. Unfortunately it won't happen and I'm sad but I'll get over it. There are things we cannot change and I thank the serenity prayer for that. So much has gone through my mind since I been home for Christmas. I'm glad I have my big brother's family here or else I would have gone back to my little abode. I got to spend more time with them in the evenings. Made quick visits to see everyone which was nice. Coming to mom & dad's empty home just isn't all that fun. I do appreciate the quietness and chill but there's only so much I can handle that. I live on my own all year, and more hours alone is rather annoying. I was hoping we would be all at mama's home. But I also understand my younger brother has a family now. And I completely understand they want to spend time with their grandson. I love that. I think it's a beautiful kind of love. I sure hope Wabby & Josh appreciate them. The serenity prayer comes in handy. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... But you know. I can look back and thank God for all the past Christmases we had and be grateful that our family tree is actually growing. Again it's bittersweet for me. While everyone else is having a spouse or having kids or celebrating with families. I'm the one standing strong & solo. Perhaps everyone thinks I'm strong but no one knows how fragile my heart is and how I pass my moments in tears wishing for a simple innocent hug. Or someone to tell me you know it's gonna be ok. Yea I can talk to myself but sometimes hearing it builds more hope within.  I don't want a pathetic life. I wish my life was meaningful. Sometimes I just love my life because I'd hate to fight with the one "I love". It just seems so complicated when I look at people's relationships. I know I'd hate to have someone see my insecurities and see how complicated I am. I can live with myself but I hate seeing my darkness though. What a journey it's been this holiday. Couple members of the community passed away and that's so heart breaking. I thought of all others who've lost their loved ones. How difficult it must be to be jolly. I guess traditions aren't meant to kept for decades. They're meant to be broken. I didn't get to bake this year. Or go to church. Or have amazing brunches. It's all ok. I have a roof and a bed and a remote control and food for comfort. I know God is somewhere listening. And probably reading what I'm typing. I think he knows I'm a simple person. I just want time and food and family and popcorn & movies. But let's just change that. And so I leave 2016 with many random thoughts. I'll raise my glass of water to 2017. Take me anywhere but here. I need a new prescription. 20/20 please. Thank you! 

Beauty around me brings healing

Talk

Sometimes I find it's the least favourite thing to do in my daily living. Sounds horrible. But I think there's just an overload of activity that I brought my brain that far and it ends up being such a chore to say anything. But today we had a great opportunity to chit chat and I ended up talking my heart out. At least 75% of it. Thankful to my dearest Lois for being just herself and chill. It was a successful day :)

The process

Ever want to see the end of a process? Ever want to skip over to the finish line? Ever want to fast forward and get over it? I presume that would be cheating. There are no shortcuts to tough times. You just have to go through the pain of it all. As much as I love a roller coaster, the emotional one is not my favourite. We fall drop to our knees and can't go on another minute. But what do you know? You're moving on without knowing you are taking one step further from 30 seconds ago. 

The most difficult part of this journey is seeing your most beloved ones hurting.  You wish you had the best of words to take away the heartache but there's no comfort but one must go through it in order to understand and help those who will walk in that journey sometime in the future to let the world know you're not alone. As we all know there is nothing new under the sun. Heartache isn't the most attractive thing but it does change you.  It's up to you to grow better or get worse. So at the crossroads, we must take the action and take the lead of where you want to be. Where will your broken heart take you. It's our responsibility to live in despair or go the other way. It's your call where you're headed in the process...

That second. Moment. Time. Season.

To walk through the pain of it all. I suppose it isn't life when we are not broken to pieces and hurting. Life isn't worth living without the emotions of pain, frustration, anger, hatred, and resentment. Imagine if it was all roses? I'm accepting the fact that pain is inevitable and without it, we would never know compassion. Without compassion, we wouldn't know how to communicate. Without communication, there is no community. Without a community, there is no life. Would I want to live life without being hurt and in pain? No. For this too shall pass. But for now, let me walk through this lonely painful season. They come and go. There are better days ahead of us and some sunshine. Amen