The process

Ever want to see the end of a process? Ever want to skip over to the finish line? Ever want to fast forward and get over it? I presume that would be cheating. There are no shortcuts to tough times. You just have to go through the pain of it all. As much as I love a roller coaster, the emotional one is not my favourite. We fall drop to our knees and can't go on another minute. But what do you know? You're moving on without knowing you are taking one step further from 30 seconds ago. 

The most difficult part of this journey is seeing your most beloved ones hurting.  You wish you had the best of words to take away the heartache but there's no comfort but one must go through it in order to understand and help those who will walk in that journey sometime in the future to let the world know you're not alone. As we all know there is nothing new under the sun. Heartache isn't the most attractive thing but it does change you.  It's up to you to grow better or get worse. So at the crossroads, we must take the action and take the lead of where you want to be. Where will your broken heart take you. It's our responsibility to live in despair or go the other way. It's your call where you're headed in the process...

Where is it?

More & more I would like own my own place now. Not so much of a great huge house, but a perfect house for me so I can call it my home. Believe it or not, I don't call Mistissini my home or at the house I live atm, I call it the parent's house. It is not my own and I may sound proud, but I can't seem to bring myself to say that I'm going home, but I call it my mom or dad's home.

Is that wrong?

Am I so disconnected that I don't call my hometown home? I've always been considered an outsider, even in my family and I can't blame them. I did move around from one place to another. When I consider that, I prove myself innocent, but when I think of how family oriented I should be, then I am guilty of charge. "She's in her own world" as they used to say. How do we break out of that lifestyle? I want to believe that I am normal and ok with that, but there's something in me that would say I am not at peace with that.

I wouldn't consider myself lost, but travelling miles on end trying to a place to call my home. That's all. I may not fit in the local towns, or communities as I've been told once or twice before. I believe my international heart may take over the ring around me and sending that vibe that I ain't no local, but may be a lil loca as most people have found a place at least for a season anyway.

In a way I am fed up of my "dormitory" lifestyle. I would like to get somewhere and be happy. I am at a place where I will accept where I am, but I may not be necessarily happy of the location I'm at. The pressure builds up when I think of my family and how I should be a good daughter, sister and aunt to my lil beloved ones. But when I think of how they would love to come and visit me, I think they would be proud that I can do it or make it alone out there in the world. I hope they know that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some are meant to be alone and if that would be the case for me, then so be it.

Parents worry I am alone, but I don't understand how they can be as they have seen me pretty independent. Do I look miserable to them?

Anyway, enough said for now!