Go untraditional

Hey friend. It's been a long while. Tis the season to be jolly falalala whatever and some it's just a long holiday of whatever comes. Soon I'll be packing my bags and head home. My home. This town don't feel like home to me. I'm from here but my heart is at my little home. 

If you don't know me now. I'm a simple lady with some complexity I suppose. I know I'm not ordinary but I'm neither extraordinary. I love family. I love Christmas time. I will admit I liked our traditional ways of celebrating at this time of the year. This year we didn't plan on being untraditional but it just so happened like that. It's still very much holiday mode for most people. To some, it's just a long day of daily reminders of what a sad life some of us can have. Let me just be blunt and sarcastic here. I'm so annoyed with how Christmas has turned out to be. It's such a stressful time and forget about money. Is it really necessary to buy gifts anymore? Honestly my best gifts were socks. They could have stopped there. That's what I wanted. Everything else was a bonus I suppose. So I calculate well I try but I'm sure I did terribly but the amount spent on me was probably over $200 or so. I just despise the idea of how we spend on one person and every member of the family. And do we get to appreciate the gifts? I don't know. I'll love my socks. I mean like for a very long time.  I didn't expect to have that many. I won't complain. But I'll complain that I won't be having my annual fishing & trapping with my dad this time.  My one wish before I came home was that. Unfortunately it won't happen and I'm sad but I'll get over it. There are things we cannot change and I thank the serenity prayer for that. So much has gone through my mind since I been home for Christmas. I'm glad I have my big brother's family here or else I would have gone back to my little abode. I got to spend more time with them in the evenings. Made quick visits to see everyone which was nice. Coming to mom & dad's empty home just isn't all that fun. I do appreciate the quietness and chill but there's only so much I can handle that. I live on my own all year, and more hours alone is rather annoying. I was hoping we would be all at mama's home. But I also understand my younger brother has a family now. And I completely understand they want to spend time with their grandson. I love that. I think it's a beautiful kind of love. I sure hope Wabby & Josh appreciate them. The serenity prayer comes in handy. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... But you know. I can look back and thank God for all the past Christmases we had and be grateful that our family tree is actually growing. Again it's bittersweet for me. While everyone else is having a spouse or having kids or celebrating with families. I'm the one standing strong & solo. Perhaps everyone thinks I'm strong but no one knows how fragile my heart is and how I pass my moments in tears wishing for a simple innocent hug. Or someone to tell me you know it's gonna be ok. Yea I can talk to myself but sometimes hearing it builds more hope within.  I don't want a pathetic life. I wish my life was meaningful. Sometimes I just love my life because I'd hate to fight with the one "I love". It just seems so complicated when I look at people's relationships. I know I'd hate to have someone see my insecurities and see how complicated I am. I can live with myself but I hate seeing my darkness though. What a journey it's been this holiday. Couple members of the community passed away and that's so heart breaking. I thought of all others who've lost their loved ones. How difficult it must be to be jolly. I guess traditions aren't meant to kept for decades. They're meant to be broken. I didn't get to bake this year. Or go to church. Or have amazing brunches. It's all ok. I have a roof and a bed and a remote control and food for comfort. I know God is somewhere listening. And probably reading what I'm typing. I think he knows I'm a simple person. I just want time and food and family and popcorn & movies. But let's just change that. And so I leave 2016 with many random thoughts. I'll raise my glass of water to 2017. Take me anywhere but here. I need a new prescription. 20/20 please. Thank you!