2011

I've tried to look back and see what great things I've done in the last 12 months. I can't say I had a great year, but I did change one thing for sure. My exercise habits and has now become a lifestyle which is pretty cool I suppose. I lived in 2 different communities both for 6 months. Where should I move to now? I am anxious to move and live on my own. I've become a trainer which is great for me and the ladies that come to my classes. I've had more training in six months than ever before. I traveled like crazy in the last month. My visit to Quebec city was one of my highlights, we went to hang out with our friend Tina.
I hope it's perfectly ok to say that I don't want 2011 anymore but looking forward to the new year. I reckon my feelings last year as the new year approached, there was nothing exciting to look forward to. I may have been more or less depressed about the new year. However this new year coming, I am actually excited. Who knows why, but I'm so glad this year is about to end.

J O S H U A

My brother celebrates his birthday!! we are now the same age for over a month!! Happy birthday Josh!

Where is it?

More & more I would like own my own place now. Not so much of a great huge house, but a perfect house for me so I can call it my home. Believe it or not, I don't call Mistissini my home or at the house I live atm, I call it the parent's house. It is not my own and I may sound proud, but I can't seem to bring myself to say that I'm going home, but I call it my mom or dad's home.

Is that wrong?

Am I so disconnected that I don't call my hometown home? I've always been considered an outsider, even in my family and I can't blame them. I did move around from one place to another. When I consider that, I prove myself innocent, but when I think of how family oriented I should be, then I am guilty of charge. "She's in her own world" as they used to say. How do we break out of that lifestyle? I want to believe that I am normal and ok with that, but there's something in me that would say I am not at peace with that.

I wouldn't consider myself lost, but travelling miles on end trying to a place to call my home. That's all. I may not fit in the local towns, or communities as I've been told once or twice before. I believe my international heart may take over the ring around me and sending that vibe that I ain't no local, but may be a lil loca as most people have found a place at least for a season anyway.

In a way I am fed up of my "dormitory" lifestyle. I would like to get somewhere and be happy. I am at a place where I will accept where I am, but I may not be necessarily happy of the location I'm at. The pressure builds up when I think of my family and how I should be a good daughter, sister and aunt to my lil beloved ones. But when I think of how they would love to come and visit me, I think they would be proud that I can do it or make it alone out there in the world. I hope they know that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some are meant to be alone and if that would be the case for me, then so be it.

Parents worry I am alone, but I don't understand how they can be as they have seen me pretty independent. Do I look miserable to them?

Anyway, enough said for now!

Beat!

Late nights have beat me up once again and why am I still up at this hour? The weight of tiredness comes in waves, it seems like it has just come & gone. Time is what the struggle is for me at this point in my !Life. Let us run against time :)

my dearest psychologist

where do I begin? I have much to say. First, just want to thank you for hearing me out. I kinda hate that there are still days where I just don't know where to turn to when I desperately want to talk to someone that will listen and suggest ideas and whatnot.
I'm feeling more or less stressed out. work is demanding and home has its expectations as well and I have to bounce because that is my de-stresser outlet.
I question myself, am I cut out for this type of work? it's fun at times, but the political side of it all makes me stop and stare at the screen and wonder what am I supposed to do next? 70% of me wants to doubt that I can do this and the 30% says I may manage to be an expert an managing and organizing 26 peeps.

anyway I am so tired. I must sleep and I hope I am not going to get kicked out of class for not admitting my assignment. I seriously need some time management skills to be sharpened!!

nice new chapter

I am into exercising on the ball now and ended up leading classes n now travel for work... i still wonder what's the next chapter, but I will enjoy what's before me.

To lose

In less than12 months, I lost my mentor. He was an incredible leader. So incredible... He adopted me in my darkest season of my life.That was hard. Really hard... My world was just not the same at all. July 26, I lost grandfather who happened to be the last siblings of all the Iserhoffs. Not only that, he was my only grandfather I ever had. Had a step grandfather but he passed away when I 12, so there no strong ties than I had with noomshoom. I saw my grandpa so ill that my faith was shaken and was angry at God. It was a painful experience. I may need counseling and hope to get some somehow somewhere. And 2 weekends ago, I lost my boarding home papa Sam. Last I seen him was in church and gave me a big hug & a kiss. We talked a bit and how good he was doing after his mild heart attack. Then i get the dreaded phone call. At this point I didn't know what to think or feel. I was just in a numb or shock that I couldn't really process anything. So, I've gone through a.... a time to lose... In all this grief, i know my heart will heal, in due season.

Baby Girl

Couple weeks ago, my cousin Beth asked my brother & I to be godparents to her new born baby. We were both thrilled & honored that they would even consider us since we both don't have any children and not married! We gladly accepted the honor. And now, I have a new responsibility to pray and bless and teach this little being in the ways of God. I think i'll be a good parent and will enjoy this new role in my life. See, let's turn this subject just a bit more to the opposite. I work with a director that deals with life and death emergency situations. And I have to be ready to work outside of working hours, and we work with sad and painful situations. Since I've worked with this department, my heart has become numb to death and the emotions that come with it. I just don't connect emotionally in some ways and that isn't really good. I believe I am to feel with those people that grieve, but these months of community grief has taken its toll on me. In some way, it has been depressing, but this is life... I may not understand why we have funerals just about every month, and that's part of life as we know it... Alas a glimpse of hope came into view. A day ago, I was thinking of, what life did change me? Perhaps change is rather not the perfect word to use. But I know one thing, what impacted my life was the new birthing of a tiny baby who was premature yet made perfectly! And I love her already. I imagine her future so bright! I needed to experience life! Thus I received my blessing! I love my godchild and I will forever be loving to my lil beebs. Thank you Beth, Pat, baby Ny, and mostly God for blessing me a new life to love, cherish and bless!


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goose calls

Crees go wild at this time of the year. I've eaten geese twice now :)

I'm late

I just joined twitter. wonder if it's any worth. I am a 9-5 worker til end of June and we will see where I fall after that. Who knows where I may end up, but I sure hope it will be good. I think that's it for now. til then rest easy.