Living for the Common Good

tears are a language?

2012-01-31T23:47:00.002-05:00

I noticed that I’ve been crying for two days. not long ones at all, but short ones, but I find them so healing. For some reason, I felt the tears more than I normally do. Almost like they had more meaning to cry. Perhaps all other tears were coming out of pain, but these tears I’ve shed have touched something deep in me and made me appreciate tears because of the sweet release that came with it. I’m intrigued. So if tears are meant to be shed, then so be it. Let them fall. They come out beautifully and bring a sense of satisfaction like none other. Appreciate, embrace, accept and love tears, for they do you real good. Let them fall where they are meant to fall. It’s all on good ground that I am sure. goodnight for now.

wow

2012-01-31T12:42:00.002-05:00

I met someone yesterday. I saw perfection. I never felt like this before. It was almost magical, almost indescribable and mesmerizing. I was in awe that a person could reach into my soul and make my heart react. I loved an unseen being for 9 months and I got to hold him yesterday and it was just wow. He touched my heart and melted.
I could say more, but perhaps another time. I need more time to soak this in.

You can't always get what you want

2012-01-19T22:59:00.001-05:00

Theme of my life right now. Surrendering to no. I must be honoring and respecting to this.
I'm thinking it's not my season to pursue that one dream... I thought today that maybe I shouldn't have my roots deeply rooted in this region where I kinda call home. So that thought brings me some peace and hope that another door will open in the near future. I find myself that I still won't say my home is blah blah blah but I seem to throw out, I'm originally from Mistissini but moved around and thus more of an outsider... I'm going 35 in a few hours and I find myself with nothing to show of what I've done or accomplished in life. I failed marriage and I got over that and now it's a career I'd like to build upon. Perhaps I should just leave & go to school and get a business degree of some sort. As much as I respect my own leaders, I would rather be my own boss :-) I'm also looking into buying a house, so I can rest my head & say I'm at "home" that would be the greatest day for me.

A dream

2012-01-02T08:36:00.003-05:00

I reckon I had a very interesting dream. I had a friend and she jumped into this extremely deep water fall or somehow looked like a hole. I actually landed in the end, but I couldn’t find my friend. Soon after she jumped off, I jumped off too. I see her hit the wall on her way down. I came back to the surface to this auditorium and I could see people looking toward me almost in anticipation... waiting for an event to start and there were three aisles and on each aisle, I seen 3 or 6 men standing as if they got told to freeze from moving further. I went in the back and did this u turn and as I was on the other end believe I was in a small room about to get on the stage or something.... can barely remember the dream... interesting though!

January First Twenty Twelve

2012-01-01T23:47:00.002-05:00

I have gone through many emotions today. It's been a good day. I had a couple hours of solitude. I love those times especially in the city. Feeling alone when you’re among city slickers. I hope to pay attention to my emotions this year and actually make a phone call to friends & family. I hope to be more up close & personal. I hope this technology won’t overtake me and digitalize my beloved ones. Everyone deserves time. I will not buy material things to get your love or work my way to get your approval. Time will tell where my heart is and I hope that it will be a display of beauty that I see in you.

2011

2011-12-29T01:26:00.002-05:00

I've tried to look back and see what great things I've done in the last 12 months. I can't say I had a great year, but I did change one thing for sure. My exercise habits and has now become a lifestyle which is pretty cool I suppose. I lived in 2 different communities both for 6 months. Where should I move to now? I am anxious to move and live on my own. I've become a trainer which is great for me and the ladies that come to my classes. I've had more training in six months than ever before. I traveled like crazy in the last month. My visit to Quebec city was one of my highlights, we went to hang out with our friend Tina.
I hope it's perfectly ok to say that I don't want 2011 anymore but looking forward to the new year. I reckon my feelings last year as the new year approached, there was nothing exciting to look forward to. I may have been more or less depressed about the new year. However this new year coming, I am actually excited. Who knows why, but I'm so glad this year is about to end.

J O S H U A

2011-12-16T01:23:00.001-05:00

My brother celebrates his birthday!! we are now the same age for over a month!! Happy birthday Josh!

Where is it?

2011-12-14T19:29:00.005-05:00

More & more I would like own my own place now. Not so much of a great huge house, but a perfect house for me so I can call it my home. Believe it or not, I don't call Mistissini my home or at the house I live atm, I call it the parent's house. It is not my own and I may sound proud, but I can't seem to bring myself to say that I'm going home, but I call it my mom or dad's home.

Is that wrong?

Am I so disconnected that I don't call my hometown home? I've always been considered an outsider, even in my family and I can't blame them. I did move around from one place to another. When I consider that, I prove myself innocent, but when I think of how family oriented I should be, then I am guilty of charge. "She's in her own world" as they used to say. How do we break out of that lifestyle? I want to believe that I am normal and ok with that, but there's something in me that would say I am not at peace with that.

I wouldn't consider myself lost, but travelling miles on end trying to a place to call my home. That's all. I may not fit in the local towns, or communities as I've been told once or twice before. I believe my international heart may take over the ring around me and sending that vibe that I ain't no local, but may be a lil loca as most people have found a place at least for a season anyway.

In a way I am fed up of my "dormitory" lifestyle. I would like to get somewhere and be happy. I am at a place where I will accept where I am, but I may not be necessarily happy of the location I'm at. The pressure builds up when I think of my family and how I should be a good daughter, sister and aunt to my lil beloved ones. But when I think of how they would love to come and visit me, I think they would be proud that I can do it or make it alone out there in the world. I hope they know that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some are meant to be alone and if that would be the case for me, then so be it.

Parents worry I am alone, but I don't understand how they can be as they have seen me pretty independent. Do I look miserable to them?

Anyway, enough said for now!

Beat!

2011-12-11T01:00:00.002-05:00

Late nights have beat me up once again and why am I still up at this hour? The weight of tiredness comes in waves, it seems like it has just come & gone. Time is what the struggle is for me at this point in my !Life. Let us run against time :)

my dearest psychologist

2011-11-24T00:03:00.002-05:00

where do I begin? I have much to say. First, just want to thank you for hearing me out. I kinda hate that there are still days where I just don't know where to turn to when I desperately want to talk to someone that will listen and suggest ideas and whatnot.
I'm feeling more or less stressed out. work is demanding and home has its expectations as well and I have to bounce because that is my de-stresser outlet.
I question myself, am I cut out for this type of work? it's fun at times, but the political side of it all makes me stop and stare at the screen and wonder what am I supposed to do next? 70% of me wants to doubt that I can do this and the 30% says I may manage to be an expert an managing and organizing 26 peeps.

anyway I am so tired. I must sleep and I hope I am not going to get kicked out of class for not admitting my assignment. I seriously need some time management skills to be sharpened!!

nice new chapter

2011-11-15T23:03:00.002-05:00

I am into exercising on the ball now and ended up leading classes n now travel for work... i still wonder what's the next chapter, but I will enjoy what's before me.

To lose

2011-08-11T23:19:00.005-04:00

In less than12 months, I lost my mentor. He was an incredible leader. So incredible... He adopted me in my darkest season of my life.That was hard. Really hard... My world was just not the same at all. July 26, I lost grandfather who happened to be the last siblings of all the Iserhoffs. Not only that, he was my only grandfather I ever had. Had a step grandfather but he passed away when I 12, so there no strong ties than I had with noomshoom. I saw my grandpa so ill that my faith was shaken and was angry at God. It was a painful experience. I may need counseling and hope to get some somehow somewhere. And 2 weekends ago, I lost my boarding home papa Sam. Last I seen him was in church and gave me a big hug & a kiss. We talked a bit and how good he was doing after his mild heart attack. Then i get the dreaded phone call. At this point I didn't know what to think or feel. I was just in a numb or shock that I couldn't really process anything. So, I've gone through a.... a time to lose... In all this grief, i know my heart will heal, in due season.

Baby Girl

2011-06-09T01:58:00.001-04:00

Couple weeks ago, my cousin Beth asked my brother & I to be godparents to her new born baby. We were both thrilled & honored that they would even consider us since we both don't have any children and not married! We gladly accepted the honor. And now, I have a new responsibility to pray and bless and teach this little being in the ways of God. I think i'll be a good parent and will enjoy this new role in my life. See, let's turn this subject just a bit more to the opposite. I work with a director that deals with life and death emergency situations. And I have to be ready to work outside of working hours, and we work with sad and painful situations. Since I've worked with this department, my heart has become numb to death and the emotions that come with it. I just don't connect emotionally in some ways and that isn't really good. I believe I am to feel with those people that grieve, but these months of community grief has taken its toll on me. In some way, it has been depressing, but this is life... I may not understand why we have funerals just about every month, and that's part of life as we know it... Alas a glimpse of hope came into view. A day ago, I was thinking of, what life did change me? Perhaps change is rather not the perfect word to use. But I know one thing, what impacted my life was the new birthing of a tiny baby who was premature yet made perfectly! And I love her already. I imagine her future so bright! I needed to experience life! Thus I received my blessing! I love my godchild and I will forever be loving to my lil beebs. Thank you Beth, Pat, baby Ny, and mostly God for blessing me a new life to love, cherish and bless!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

goose calls

2011-04-15T08:33:00.001-04:00

Crees go wild at this time of the year. I've eaten geese twice now :)

I'm late

2011-02-09T21:37:00.002-05:00

I just joined twitter. wonder if it's any worth. I am a 9-5 worker til end of June and we will see where I fall after that. Who knows where I may end up, but I sure hope it will be good. I think that's it for now. til then rest easy.

I see snow

2010-11-16T22:20:00.001-05:00

it keeps melting, bit sad. come back whitey.

<,.?>'";{:]\|!)(#*$&%^~`\+=/

2010-11-12T16:59:00.005-05:00

It don't make sense.

You know, the only time I seem to release or find myself express how I feel is when I'm alone. I imagined someone coming in to the living room while crying and thought I'd be wiping my tears and not even bother to tell what's going on. It's very strange of me, yes I know and for so long, this is how I lived my life and now I can't seem to break out of it. I did wonder what I would do if Papa came over to sit with me... I think I'd be able to say something, but what would be the outcome of it all. That's where I get stuck.

Anyway, had a strange day the other day. Here's some of what went on.

I got a call from a neighbor at 7 am or so to inform that there were dogs tearing a moose hide just outside our place. Did I care? Was that so important? who knows? Maybe I was supposed to care. Moose hide is good for making mitts and moccasins and what not. He called 3 times only because I couldn't catch the phone or had difficulties answering the phone. click, back to bed.

Breakfast - in go my Eggos. almost a minute later, beep, beep, beep, pop up... too pale for me, round 2, off I go outta the kitchen. Not a minute later, burn them Eggo things. Nothing else to eat so I humbly eat them away

O I got a text! a friend wants to visit. more coffee to brew! it's not often I get a visitor randomly as this is not my home but my parents home.

knock, knock. hello, is your mom here? no! here's a check for your mom. how nice!!! o thank you. bless you :)

Lunch - reheat a slice of pizza from yesterday's leftovers. off I go outta the kitchen. This time for more than 5 minutes. Totally forgot about the thing in the oven. I didn't have much other options of what to eat, so I chewed on a crispy slice and jojo didn't seem to mind it.

O I got a text! a friend wants to come over. what to drink now, let's offer cranberry juice. Sweet times they were.

Dinner - popcorn on the menu. And no, it wasn't burnt. I succeeded!I passed the kitchen tests.

Night activity, my cousin came over to watch glee and a movie from her iPad. At the same time, I also watched Bon Jovi on youtube whilst concerting in NY I think or somewhere in a city and facebooking at the same time and texting. gosh I hate technology sometimes. Well only when I let it overtake me into another world and not being with the person I am with. Today and all week, I will be with jojo. Our family dog. He loves me.

Strange day.

November Sun

2010-11-10T14:29:00.003-05:00

Sitting here and there and trying on another spot to find a place of solitude... when and where?

I'm coming up from this valley. It's been quite lonely and difficult, but made it with a gentle loving hand. Some days I feel great and some days it's rather mellow and 'moments' where it's just painful. I'm glad to let it out as I feel these waves of emotions come flooding in and out.
I am no longer overwhelmed. I can do this with a clear head and know that I am not alone...

Sometimes I feel as though epiphanies come once or twice a year now. I may be so disconnected with everyone that I find myself lost, even in myself. I no longer try to connect. Could that be just wrong? I don't want to be selfish. I want to be merry where I am and who I am.

I'll be moving again though, perhaps that is all I need. Another move. Another place to call my home. Another venue. Another self I may find.

Story of my nomadic life!

I love this line-

"you're the only who brings me peace"

shalom

Life Without You

2010-10-12T21:31:00.001-04:00

It's rather strange. I cannot get used to not have you here on earth. I know you're in an extremely far better place.

time for update perhaps

2010-09-23T10:14:00.002-04:00

Fall has come. time to shop for new clothing, how I love to shop at this time of the year. A time to bundle up and share the love with a cupatea or something warm with friends. Cold drinks and beer are off the list. Time for chai tea. I kinda wish I had a bookstore to go to, not right now but in a couple weeks when I return to the southern parts of Canada, well not so south but you know what I mean.
I am back in the arctic for a couple weeks. It's real nice to be back even though it's just for a very short time. I've really been "happy" to be here once again. It's a different kind of happiness, maybe the word I am looking for is appreciative. I feel or am more aware of the love around me. Not that I was out of it, but routine can take away what's in front of you and what you have. It's like having the key bucket at the door way and never notice how beautiful or dirty it is until you pay attention to the things around you and to the people around you. Thank you arctic :)
I'm exploring a new venture... I am surprised that this would actually excite me. I never thought this would cause me to be passionate about. I guess I thought I'd always know what I want and will do. But I found that the circumstances that I've been and the people that i have been with this past summer, have caused me to realise that something new in me or was there but may have been dormant and now has come to "life". I never thought I'd be really interested in business or owning or being part of a company. All I know for sure is that I couldn't see myself working under an employer for a lifetime, not that I have issues with authority but I know how much i take great importance of my job. I know it's temporary and I know I want to give my best so I may reap what I sow into my work environment in the long run. I love being under someone. I was more or less honored because again I was chosen for a time to work with someone. I know I have high work ethics and want to do my best especially when it comes to challenges. I love the fact that my brain gets worked up and that I have to push an extra notch to make things happen or work as a team to come to a conclusion of a problem. who would have thought? I surprise myself and love the fact that I really enjoy this new discovery. So maybe it took this long for me to realise this passion in me and I give thanks for all circumstances and all the people God has put in my life.
Who knows maybe I will start something new after I am done with this new door opening to me. I can't say what we will be doing but once my hirerrr gets just about everything set for us to move, then and maybe only then will I be able to share my new job description.
In the meantime I will make the most of my time being the manger of front desk at the hotel back home. I love working with people and with a great team. But right now I must stay focused on the people around me and see what I am suppose to take back with me when I return. If it's just love then I will go home rich!
thank you papa for everything. you never fail me, not that you know how to do that :)

x

2010-05-23T16:33:00.001-04:00

Spring Time

2010-04-11T19:19:00.003-04:00

Far up here while down below everyone is 'spring'ing it, I celebrate the snow. Ever so white, a few yellow spots here and there mainly from the husky dogs. Ice fishing season is here so everyone around me says. I went yesterday and sure was great indeed, but I'm not sure if I could do it every weekend as some do. I think I'll pass.

Some things new... I recorded a song... on my laptop. It's kinda not that exciting as I only have the voice & guitar on it. And it's Cree so none of my non indian friends understand it. I graduated from a 2 week school #101 and more to come in the year I think. I had a word... peace in the middle east. I'm guessing in years time. I went to the capital of Nunavut this month to celebrate Easter.

I want to go home soon. I am looking forward to seeing familiar faces and work and play with my sweethearts and eat out & be with my fellow peepsters.

I've been wishing of having my own house in the last 6 months or so. I'd love to drive up that long drive way and see that beautiful view from the top. I may coming to an age where I would like to settle. Then I wonder what if I won't have that lifestyle like everyone else, well just about everyone I know.

Ever fear of something? future?

At times, I think I know what the future holds but I don't want to look there. I could be fooling myself. I do like to dream though and wish of this and that but not to the point where I want to make it happen. I have something in mind... :)

gotta run!

statements / truths

2010-03-01T20:40:00.003-05:00

"we need to see one another as saint who sin, rather than as sinners who are saved."

"we define humility as trusting God and others with me. Therefore is a community lacks grace, that community is low on grace."

"trusting who God says I am lays the foundation for maturity."

"we cannot profoundly influence others, without maturing."

"striving leaves dysfunctional and immature because it creates hiddenness."

Get your copy of this book!!

Truefaced. By Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol & John Lynch

CAN I JUST ADD

that I love these authors and it has challenged my mind to agree what my heart knows. Get your copy.

I am on this new journey or another path of knowing what GRACE looks like & feels like and to walk & live it out.

So the word is

2010-02-22T19:27:00.001-05:00

PEOPLE!
A place to meet. a place to chill. a place to be real. a place to exchange. a place of heart. People. I need you. You need me. This is IT!!!

bon saint valentin

2010-02-14T23:05:00.002-05:00

so they say in French. I just finished watching the olympics. The canadians are feeling very lovey as we won gold. I forgot what love was but re discovered it again a bit more tonight. I wanna go home back to it. good night!

It's Getting Colder

2009-10-25T01:36:00.001-04:00

MY FACE IN THE ARCTIC WINDS

no polar bear

2009-10-22T10:46:00.002-04:00

i thought this would be my time to see n have an answered prayer, but perhaps another time, I am hoping to make a commercial of coca cola... the real one not the made up polar bears and make myself rich for a change.

we now have snow up here and it's been staying here for the past few days. I've also seen n heard skidoos riding around. it's getting cold. and I have a feeling it will get colder n colder as days come n go!

n i have to run!

siting on top of the world

2009-09-23T09:38:00.002-04:00

or seems like I am. A new season and it literally feels like a new season with the coldness that I feel when I step outside. My summer was one of the best and busy ones but not so tiring. I guess I could say it was one the most adventuresome. After the Arctic in May, I was at home on the first day of June and spent time at home for at least 9 days or so. I actually stayed in Montreal for a bit and then to then to my kind.

June 10, flew over to the southern eastern for almost 2 weeks for a "holiday". That was the best time ever to hang and chill and explore the area. Loved it to bits. love friends really. i would be so boring without them. i find friendships at times build a sweet character in us. Don't you think? I miss them Hanners

Stayed in Ottawa for some time due to the Summit my uncle was holding. Finally made it home after a few days from my trip to Australia.

Stayed home for a bit. learned politiks this summer at the CNYC Annual General Assembly. I actually visited Nemaska this summer and Waskaganish twice this summer. I went to a funeral where I learned to give even more out of your heart. To live passionately and give the most of life and pursue what you love the most. My life has been touched this summer in many ways.

Now as I sit up here, it gives me smile cause I know I love to serve and give my time and energy to ones that need a helping hand, but not only that, but I get to do what I love to do. Who would have thought? Of all places in the world, that I'd sit on top of this world and love from here.

:)

??

2009-08-30T19:39:00.002-04:00

ooops

2009-08-30T18:07:00.001-04:00

i have no idea how to get rid of myself in the followers

"Quote"

2009-07-13T12:09:00.002-04:00

A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you.

C. S. Lewis

Pride is the mask of one's own faults.
Jewish Proverb

Pride sullies the noblest character.
Claudianus

o Lord have mercy.

Passion

2009-07-09T17:08:00.002-04:00

passion |ˈpa sh ən|
noun
1 strong and barely controllable emotion : a man of impetuous passion. See note at emotion .
• a state or outburst of such emotion : oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion.
• intense sexual love : their all-consuming passion for each other | she nurses a passion for Thomas.
• an intense desire or enthusiasm for something : the English have a passion for gardens.
• a thing arousing enthusiasm : modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's.
2 ( the Passion) the suffering and death of Jesus : meditations on the Passion of Christ.
• a narrative of this from any of the Gospels.
• a musical setting of any of these narratives : an aria from Bach's St. Matthew Passion.
DERIVATIVES
passionless adjective
ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French, from late Latin passio(n-) (chiefly a term in Christian theology), from Latin pati ‘suffer.’

Who am I passionate about?
What am I passionate about?
What do I believe in?
Who do I believe in?

Passion...... bit of a scary word I say. Can a passion ever die? was it ever alive? What do I truly believe in. Who do I really believe in? So many questions on this journey....

My passion lies in the temporary things... or am I thinking of the things I like? tricky!

life would make sense if I had "PASSION" for something.... looking n looking.... on the road to discovery!

water & sand

2009-07-08T20:43:00.003-04:00

Managed to get mum outa the house and hang out with jojo (pup) and I to the beach. We have this lil dog that puts us together in harmony in one sense or another. He causes to laugh together at him at the silly things he does. I appreciate this dog.

Families can be so alike and yet so different. In our differences, I want to learn and accept that we will not agree on some things. I put myself aside and persisted that she come with us on this beautiful day and so it was as I wished. Time together can be more meaningful than thousands of words trying to explain your beliefs, convictions, and whatnot. Sand and water is what we were.
Jojo got both!

the end.

Contemplate Now

2009-07-06T11:51:00.004-04:00

d'you ever wonder where you meant to be in the long run? I've not experienced permanent or longevity in some thing or place or work. Everything is so temporary, at least in my lil world. As I get slightly older, I wonder where on earth could I possibly build my home. I only own a car, electric n acoustic guitar, laptop, ipod and a camera and leather pants. No home. I have family, but it's not the same. I'd like to have my own space. I may be maturing. A tad late I think. Or was it totally meant to be this way...... So where shall we go Jesus?

I want to see what my house would look like, would it be very random and full of colour? where is it? I know my bathrooms would be clean. So where should I go? I know wherever I go, I will find my home in Him in me. But what if I found a permanent job and own a place, would I know how to settle? Would I be able to stay put or would I be itching to leave the country every six months or so? Should I even bother settling somewhere or continue on with my nomadic life? I have to decide. I know for sure I want my special peeps in my life. I can't seem to go without. I used to live totally on my own and not have tight peepsters in my life and never had issues!!! ;) But something extraordinary happened and now I long to be with the ones I love. I know they love me too. I seem to "live" when I am with the ones I adore....

I got no deep roots here, so why am I here? I have no idea. Family is one thing, but other than that, I'm a wandering soul. I've had this way of thinking every where I've lived since i was kid. I won't decorate or buy much cause I won't be here for a long time anyway. I've lived in many homes and so it's very easy to just "visit" wherever I happen to live... again temporarily. I've been very simple all these years. I never minded not having a dresser when I used to live in the city. Simplicity was my way of living or was it avoiding the creativity to flow in what I could have done? who knows. Or was I just mindless of such matters so I would not get in touch with the deep things of the heart. So much to discover!

I thought of 2 things this morning when I got up, one I can't recall at the mo, but I used to like to run at my own pace of course, run as in that physical activity. mmmmm the other ... still can retrieve it from the brain. Anyhow, it had to do with the things l like to do.

I will go back to writing these days and see if it's possible to publish random notes of the nomad. I shall now enjoy the sun out there in my backyard with a book and a dog with me. Haven't seen the sun since I've been back I think. It's been a while. so long blog! have a good day!

Down Under

2009-06-16T00:47:00.002-04:00

So here I am after my time in the Arctic. It's only been 16 days since I left my other home in the far north. It's quite crazy when I think of where I been. Once on top of the world and now down below way over down this side of the world. I am indeed very blessed. Now where do I go from here? Where is my life going to? Do I just keep on traveling til my eyes behold the beauty of your face?

Anyhow... just a bit of thinking here.... I'm resting for the day and off we will go tomorrow to some place called blue mountain or who knows where. Where will I end up? I wonder. Anyway I am not in deep thought cause I'm watching Anne of Green Gabbles.

have a good day!

Northern chick

2009-03-05T01:28:00.003-05:00

Still livin' n lovin' the arctic life. I've been checking out this small village that I got new friends and I want to consider options of working here... still a big decision to make, but the thought of living in a village of less than 300 makes me happy or excited in some way... Im not sure if I got the right words.

where do I go and where do I begin this new journey,,,,,, still testing the grounds....

anyway that's a mini update for now.
tata!!

london

2009-01-26T05:43:00.003-05:00

So here i am again in London after 8 months from my first stay with the Fowlers. I love everything about London and its splendor. A person such as I could only appreciate this life as we can not have or experience this kind of life where I am from. I love London and its people and culture.

January 10 at 6:54pm

2009-01-10T18:53:00.002-05:00

This is my first blog of the year. I've not had such a peaceful, restful and relaxing Christmas holiday. I loved our "family times" which always involved food but in total moderation. We did so well this year.
I got lots gift this year, to name a few, sephora makeup (I chose), warm sock, a lot of earrings, 10x mirror so I can pluck n pick my face, perfume and let's not forget the bedroom set.
One of my favorite times was hanging out with my nieces and nephew of course but he can't do much just yet. But my nieces and I got the chance to bake some shortbread cookies and decorated them. It was just a lovely afternoon. And at another time, I took my 2 year old niece sledding and my other 2 nieces wanted to come along and so we went sliding and it was quite the joy to see them laugh and flip over and giggle and play in the snow white hill.

I am still at home with the parents, but will be leaving in a week to head over to England for a good 10 days. I have been invited to a lovely wedding and I am so excited to join the party and celebrate their oneness. I hope to so some shopping and discovering more the city with Sam and hope to chill with Melissa as well in the city of London! How exciting. I am off to a great start and sure hope it's a fun ride throughout this year.

After the trip, I go back to my country and off to the Arctic! I will be back to work.

Well, that is it for now. So long peeps. I hope our paths come across this year a bit more often than this last year.

:)

winterland

2008-11-25T17:27:00.001-05:00

december is almost here

2008-11-25T17:22:00.002-05:00

I am on the verge of getting excited to go home....
i will be in another society where there are countless shops, coffee shops, non stop incoming calls and numerous text messages, let's just say one massive distraction.
I need to sort out my priorities.
I need to manage my time.
I need to be smart and not go crazy.

12 more days and I will be swept away to another destination.

story

2008-10-20T03:30:00.003-04:00

I'd like to meet ... the man of my dreams. hehehe
makes me wonder at times if that will be the story of my life... remarried like so many or will it be... I don't know.
I do hope at times to be with him, dunno what he looks like...
But I find myself stop right there and that I need to be realistic and not go to lalaland...

Anyway, let me sleep on this!
:)

winds

2008-09-18T09:05:00.002-04:00

so as i tried to sleep yesterday, i had a bit of difficulty due to loud winds. it was said the winds were roughly 90 km/h. can it get any more windier? Anyway, I managed to fall asleep and got up at 530pm.

Later on I was informed they had flurries at noon. So I missed that out. People got excited about the winds of change.

However, I do not have the proper jacket for this weather. I didn't think I'd need my winter jacket so soon... so I will need to face this great challenge. But thank goodness I have friends who have cars.

PRAISE THE LORD ANYHOW

DAY 1

2008-09-06T23:28:00.003-04:00

ok I am not going to write everyday for the next couple months. First 24 hours are normally interesting. So I got here yesterday at past 10:30 with much anxiety but in a good way of course. I was a bit nervous and excited cause I don't have an exact clue what I will be doing. Anyhoop my best friend in the Arctic came in great excitement and unbelief at the same time. She has waited for that day for years according to her. I also met my coworkers and my lil boss was so excited that just embraced me in such joy. She was so thrilled to meet me and so saw I. I did not quite expect such an excitement from her, but hey I fully embraced me with such acceptance and welcome! The sweet people I will be with are Roda, Eva and Mae. all lovely! The ladies went to my "residence" to see if all was ok, so we met and they tell me to get some time away cause they had to clean it before I move in! such royalty I say! No supervisor or boss has cleaned my house, it's a huge house as well. I am very honored and it's a blessing. I didn't think it'd turned out this way.

Anyway I did not mind at all. So I spent my day with my friend Ilisapi and had a rest, slept while she worked. I was tired. I had a busy week before I left... wedding n stuff at home... very nice but very tiring....

Anyhoop that evening we had kids ministry and it was fun to watch and see how they run things...they are very passionate and so full of life! I had a good evening, but still tired for some weird reason. Perhaps my nap was not enough. We went home and played our guitars for an hour or so... It was quite a busy day. ANd off to bed! the ENd
o ya there are trees. we're right at where the tree line stops.

beautiful Tuesday

2008-08-26T15:20:00.001-04:00

Sun is out and clouds are pretty far from off from my lil community. Gotta love this kinda weather especially when it's been a wee bit chilly few days ago.

Anyhoop gota enjoy this wonderful heat!!
my battery is dying too gotta run

Fun Thursday Morning

2008-08-22T16:51:00.004-04:00

So had the interview and got a call less than an hour later to be informed that I was taken on board and start work soon in the Arctic. sooooooooooooo happy, thrilled and excited!!!
This day has finally come after over a year. I guess it took a year for everything to come to pass and learn and grow. I lived almost exactly a year in my home town. I had my ups and downs and had lots of challenging times living a new chapter in my life.

Onto another chapter now. I start my life in the Arctic next month, in 2 weeks really. I do not know what the full picture and part of me doesn't want to know as I want to live one day at a time and learn and enjoy every moment of the learning, growing times for me.

I shall keep this blog updated and this might be the best way to know my whereabouts and whatabouts.

It's a wonderful life!

Few years ago I thought of the world and the people in it and many say I want to do the will of God and I thought wow... so many are doing that because our desires originated from Him and we do what we must to get to that destination for a time, a season....
So here I am doing what I love!! Off I go and away I go!

the Arctic Call

2008-08-17T12:40:00.003-04:00

Sooooooooooo after months of waiting to receive a call like... you are hired!!! has finally come few days ago. It was actually more like 'are you still interested?' I had sent my cv months ago and I guess they were on holidays and the center was under renovations and wondered if I was still interested. Of course I was and am still very interested!!! I was just in the waiting room for so long and the time has finally come.

I told my friend early this summer that I had a feeling that I may get hired in the Fall and it's possible that I will be there this Fall. I should get another phone call from the chairperson for confirmation and stuff. In the meantime I shall get ready for things.

These past couple weeks have been interesting now when I look back. There were times I felt like I needed to get ready, for what? just about the future, maybe read and write, get my notes sorted out. Then another day I thought of writing a song about someone who has contemplated on suicide, like a song of desperation and another one on a young woman's struggle for life. That morning, I said thank you God for the call of receiving a new job.

All these things started to make sense and it wasn't all about me and my desires. But it was a preparation for what's to come. I shall be in contact with people who had it rough and tough. These people I already have a heart for. I actually sang out a song for them and started crying. Very intriguing moment!

A time for.....

2008-08-10T23:31:00.003-04:00

I cried yesterday. I sat outside and just cried out and asked and wondered many things. And then I think I heard -start writing. And I stopped crying. I wondered could this be God really? Anyway I am getting on that journey either way. In due season I will discover if it was a spontaneous thought...

I have always had a passion to write, but I kinda been putting that off for reasons unknown. I guess I need to get caught on my thinking's' and reasonings and write them down as many times these spontaneous thoughts come and suddenly make sense and get new revelations!! whhhoooohooo passion is rising up!! lol

:D

free time (s)

2008-08-06T13:18:00.002-04:00

well now that i have no employment and have all the free time to do all I want?!?!?!? what do I do and where do I begin? O my so many options!
I guess I could start off losing a few pounds and get $ coming and play music and write some as well. OK I must start being productive!

:)

takes a while

2008-06-18T20:54:00.001-04:00

for the first time I got the message on the orphan spirit.... after 3 years maybe? finally understood at least some of it now and I really don't want to live out of that. I want to be a daughter 24/7.

another new life

2008-06-06T21:55:00.002-04:00

my nephew is just around the corner. anytime from now and just looking forward to hearing an update from Montreal. yes, he flew out today because he is just really sneaky and loves adventure. Every phone ring excites me. I love my nephew... my first one. My brother's first son and my sister in law's first son and who knows, he may be the last baby from that family.... So now I'm just waiting on the call and head to Mtl to see him anytime now.
I'm a happy aunt!

adoption anyone

2008-06-05T00:41:00.003-04:00

can someone adopt me?
I want to get out of here.
i took the worst picture ever, but I actually am quite nicer looking in real life

Indian to English

2008-05-19T09:25:00.004-04:00

I'm back from traveling.

I went to London for a week and experienced the total English culture with the Fowlers.

Surprise surprise, it rained once during my seven day stay.

It all started off to hitting the streets at the market place in Porotbello, Nottinghill, strolling on Oxford & Picadilly street, going to the country side where all is green and all is posh (polo thingy), pub in the country, movies at the cool Electric theatre on a lazyboy with drinks n food, a whole shopping day with a new friend, a night at the theatre musical to see Lord of the Rings -INCREDIBLE!!, shopping on King Rd or st, sight seeing -Buckingham palace, big ben, london eye, trafalgar circle, etc..., (English) dinner party, horse back riding, afternoon with Tara 'new friend', clubbing.

It was indeed the funnest trip and hope to do it again. Brought home some memories where there's much laughter and craziness with the English lad. Had a few awkward moments, lots of silly moments and some interesting moments.

In the end, I loved to be English. I love them peeps. Very sweet people. I now like Classical music in the morning. I like eating slow in the morning. I like fresh yogurt. I like Sam of course and his family is sweet. I like the cool tiny cars. I like the many accents.

Basically I liked everything about my trip even the spending part.

I feel refreshed and revived in some way.

next?

2008-04-29T21:51:00.001-04:00

now back from Puerto Rico........ so much fun, love, happiness n now i am here ... for what? not sure, but I want leave now!!!

1986

2008-03-31T18:19:00.004-04:00

Last week while having dinner with mom and dad, this one line came out of the blue. "You were non status until 1986". They were joking around about.... history I guess I dunno how to put it. They're funny people. But every now and again, my mom will mention that she married a "white" guy and my dad gets all proud of it and has this funny smirk, but anyway the point here is that maybe, perhaps, and could it be possible that is to why I don't really care about my so called Indianess if there is such a word? Seriously though, I am not proud of being "First Nations" as we are called. I just think I'm Indian and it's not a big deal as most people think it is. Whenever I see the sign "Native Pride" just makes my head go whatever!

My dad did not get his Native status until that year... and since my birth I had my mom status number.. funny but yea the government gives or labels us with numbers so they don't get mixed up or whatever. But you know what I mean. Everyone gets a number like the SIN #, but we precious Indians have an extra number. :)

And here we know that our significance comes from our fathers. If my dad had a question mark for so many years because he could not be labeled or known as Native or Non Native, then how did that affect him? It's almost like he could not be accepted from both ends. Funny that! But not really I suppose.

It's so weird cause his mom is full on Cree :P and his dad is i dunno how many percentage of Creeness and Whiteness in him. But anyway, I just thought that was very interesting to my knowledge.

I also know from stories from back in the day when everyone had their lil "area" or parts to live, my grandparents lived a bit out of the rest of them Indians as if they were not Indian! They totally talked and lived like Indians. weird isn't it?... hope you are not offended reading this... just don't take it too seriously. Anyway the small bay my grandparents lived was called the "bad white folks" because that was the Iserhoff area. And it's all because of that Hitler dude. Iserhoff is a German name.

Anyway that is my mini history. It always fascinates me to know of my 'culture' I guess. Interesting donchya think?

Now I leave a picture of a true Indian standing on Native land - My Dad.

M I S T I S S I N I

2008-03-19T18:15:00.002-04:00

So this town consists of Indians like me and has about 3500 - 4000 people. I been thinking what does this community offer or have. So I thought hmmm... what's really in here.
Seriously I don't think I take pride in my culture and I may need to get that right.. I think....

Anyway, I live in a... almost a town looking place, a mini town. As you enter into the community, there's several home ownerships they call 'em here where people build their place and no longer rent as that is the norm around here. There are nice homes for non Natives or (white folks) who come to live here and work for them Indians like me. They're nice people I think, but it's not like I know them personally, but on the professional side they look like great people. I think we take them for granted at times. When you think of it, them people leave their homes and relatives to help and make things better here. I like the fact that most of these people come because they have a passion to what they want to do in life... making a difference for one or two or 300 people. It's amazing how far and wide one passion can take us or several passions... you get the point.

Ok and then we have 2 gas pumps.. lol. i mean gas stations, one Esso and one Crevier I think...
One Police station and most officers are Native Indians and we have the Band Office building where the Chief's office is located with his many many workers and everyone works for the community... again mostly Indian and non native as well. Around that area is a Youth Center and it's a hang out place still to this day I think and outside of it is a basketball court. There's also a elder's home not far from there as well and they are well taken care of.

We have a few stores and 4 schools - preschool - elementary -high school and a Christian school. There's 1 Clinic. And 2 clothing stores and 1 sports store and 1 grocery store. We also have a video world to rent out movies. We have the Head Office for the Cree School Board. One reception center for the regional James Bay area for children who need special attention and one group home. O ya, 1 post office and o ya one old arena and one brand new sports complex and in it has an auditorium or court for sports, an arena in it and a fitness center. Let's not forget we have 3 daycare centers and who knows another may be built. :O

There's also a laundry mat with a car wash on the side. I think there's a garage far back in the bushes.. well not really, it's just not 'in' the community. There's also a like a mini 'staples' store.

The houses around here are similar on one street and the next street may have a slightly different but they all look the same in most areas.

There are 3 churches as well and one hotel with a restaurant in it (3*hotel) :P. There's also a restaurant called Adels, a firehall and we have a trailor park too.

So there's my mini town - community called Mistissini

meaning Big Rock (misti =big + sini = rock!!)

Challenges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-17T00:31:00.003-04:00

I've not gone through so much in the last couple weeks of my life.... at least that's what I think . So much has happened that I dreaded to go to work. Things at work are so hectic and hard and just heart wrenching and just full of things to do n people to meet. My car insurance got cancelled and home life is a ok and life with the parents is a challenge after the spaghetti incident. Things at home were a bit rocky this past weekend and now I am totally alone in this house and it feels so right.

I am now home alone and o how I love to have this week all to myself. I am going to be speaking this weekend. And I thought to myself, man I seriously need to be emptied out of this excess baggage I have with me and go on totally refreshed. It's at these times I long for quality time with friends. Thanks to my friend Elizabeth who just spoke things to me without her knowing what is really going on. I miss real friends around here. I need to be around people. God show me who these people are.

The Law & The Grace

2008-03-13T23:18:00.002-04:00

I lived and experienced in both places in the last year.... law... n grace. What a big difference and o how I love His grace. I don't know how to bring his grace into my workplace when everything I do is from the law. I have to balance things out in my heart and be discerning. I find myself more prayerful I believe because I hear and see so much. It is so heart breaking at times that I have to sit and cry before I can move on to another case. I must actually leave to attend a call right now... kinda sucks to get dressed again............... :(

ready to leave

2008-02-19T01:45:00.002-05:00

I just want to move now. I grown to like it here and I think it's time to move on and explore something new.... or is it just the mover in me that wants to move again. I miss being in a place where everyone has a common love... for the one who loved us first. I miss that. I want to be in that place once again.

I picked up my electric guitar couple nights ago and all I did was just sang my heart out, everything I wanted to let out came out more like a conversation with God and he sang back to me and it was soo refreshing and of course he made me cry! I do love him.

special tag

2008-01-28T08:29:00.000-05:00

Ever stop and think that what you hear people say about you might be true? I heard over a few times couple days ago how much I'm ... maybe appreciated. And it hit me, some people really like me. I don't go around thinking I'm not loved or thought of, but to know n feel that several people in this world really really like you. That stuck in my heart and made me glad. I had to ponder or meditate on it for a bit and it went to my heart. It was quite an interesting thought though to be honest... I have a red tag on special around my neck..not really, but I'm not cheap.
Anyway just thinking out loud.

life

2008-01-06T23:35:00.001-05:00

Back when I was a teenager near adulthood, I had lived with this family from Metcalfe, Ontario and it was a lovely family to live with. They were total strangers, but they were willing to take on a student and I boarded for 2 years with them... Thus they became my mom and dad and I also had 2 sisters and a brother from that family. I shared my life with them and they seen me study, drunk, happy, brokenhearted, wash their feet, graduate, rollerblade and many other things a teenagers does and goes through. They were my family... and they loved me very well and so did I. We kept in touch from time to time.

I got really bad with keeping in touch this past year. I would normally call 'home' every Christmas, but not on 2006. If I had called, I would have known that my papa Ray had cancer. I would have and could have gone to see him, but I didn't. And that hurts, because I found out last night papa Ray had passed away on January 10, 2007. Apparently my sister Deb emailed me, but it went to my old email address and never got it.

My mom and my sisters and brother have been grieving all year and I have just begun. It's sad that it happened that way. Now I suppose I will have to forgive myself for not being there for my mom and the rest of my family and losing touch with them.

How I miss him, how I took him for granted... how sad I am now.

My papa Ray was always good to me. I remember going to the cottage on long weekends. I remember the bbqs we had in our backyard. I remember how he loved our dog 'digger'. I remember how he would stand in the kitchen. I remember the time how he would come in by the back door. I remember how he walked. I remember his midnight snacks. I remember how he liked sauerkraut. I remember the sound of his laughter. Memories of him are all I have left.

Now I learned today, not to take anyone or anything for granted and that could be time. Our time is indeed very precious. Most of the time, we spend it with people or things.

miss you papa Ray........

xcftvgybhunijmok9876cxazc

2007-12-14T00:28:00.000-05:00

not too sure if I can & want to come to TO. we'll see

cd

2007-12-06T00:26:00.001-05:00

i ordered this cd from Redding and I love it!!! There's something in me that stirs to know more about 'Him' through music and actually get into deeper practice? or times with him through my guitar. -I really wanna know what love is. I WANT MORE! I nEED more, so much more than what I known.

ONe of my favorite songs is in that cd too and tis -how he loves. Just so makes me want to cry out to Him and only him...

I want to create an atmosphere where his kingdom comes and heals and restores all that was ever stolen. I want to create music and get swept away by Him... that is my dream right now.

5:00

2007-11-04T21:09:00.000-05:00

couldn't believe it was so dark at 5////looked like it was 9 pm.

we're really heading towards winter season. living in the single digits now.

alone & random thoughts

2007-10-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

O how I love to be alone once in a while. Being totally alone somehow gives me more sanity. Perhaps I just needed other peeps around me, but I haven't gone out much. Glass of wine, music in the background, writing and being alone.... what more can I ask? It feels as if I am regenerated...is there such a thing? I think so.

It feels interesting to live back in the community with my parents. I didn't think I would come back to live in the community of my indians...my kind of people. I know it is only temporary. There is much I see and much I don't want to see and know, but I am surrounded by these things and by certain people. I don't want to be critical and it is a struggle at times to love everything about my kind. But I am learning to accept somethings I cannot change. As long as I don't say anything negative... I should be fine.

Hung out with my dad yesterday. It was nice to walk around with him. Shopping, eating and listening to music on our way to town & driving away.
Mom is out ministering to people further north from where I live, roughly 10 hours away. Quebec is quite big I must say.

I was thinking yesterday, not out of self pity, but just out of purely letting go of my dreams for now and see what happens in the future. What would happen if I gave up on California or Orangeville or Toronto and school? What if I just let all that go? Perhaps that is what is making me not appreciate everything around me here. Of course I cannot have all the luxuries that I used to get in the city, that's for sure. Maybe I can try forgetting my past life....Impossible.... I live in such a foreign place/land and I try to think what are the similarities from where I have been in the last few years of my life? I see that I have changed, so much that I can recall what I was like back then and how I used to be and how I used to live and to see that in others....hmmmmm.
I need to balance and mix with what I learned in the past couple years of my life and apply it here in a healthy balance. I don't want to offend others. I do want to respect my indianess and all and at times, it just leaves me with questions that I don't even feel like talking them through,.....cause obviously no one would really get me. Anyhooop, I'm sure I will get my way around. Give me patience God.

It's getting late and I guess I should go and get ready for rest and monday!! I love my work...That I am certain of!

sun

2007-10-18T00:40:00.000-04:00

we had blues skies today, but i had to stay in n work inside the building.

where did u go? seems like its been a while..... .;'][;'/.m,./][p';.//.[poiuytrdghjioplmkknh80oplkuygtrexcfvgbhnjm23456yujbvcxcvio
';l''

action

2007-10-15T20:52:00.000-04:00

seems like there's not a whole lota action going on around here. Need someone to stir up some things to do and what not. It can be very easy to fall into selfish living and that is what I am struggling at the moment.

monday

2007-10-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

was nice to have another day of somewhat rest. Went to hunt with mom n dad but got nthing but a rabbit. The clouds seem to cover the blue sky today and I missed Toronto today. I dont like weathers like this. Makes me want to be else where, but i cant and I guess thats fine... by the way ...my dad actually killed a moose on Friday. It was quite exciting!!! It's a huge blessing.

im kinda hungry now and I wish i had a bowl of cereal but my parents have visitors and I cant be bothered to present myself in a decent manner. that kinda sounds funny.

I miss TO.

Fall

2007-10-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

Season of Fall has finally really hit home. The trees are naked, clothing on the ground, but we wear our own. Guess it's time for something really new. I have new clothes, but I want more to life. I think I have to go on a journey now...to a place I've not discovered yet.

I learned this morning that when a moose is in heat...I dunno if you can say that or is it just for cats, but anyway....what he does is he looks for the female pee/urine...I guess he would smell it around the bushes and eats of it when he finds it. I was a bit disturbed by it, but I guess it's completely normal in the eyes of the Creator. Strange.... But I dont know what he does after he finds it though....I didnt get the chance to ask as I was too intringued by that fact. Anyway, mom and dad are gone to hunt but not totally going for it. Just casually hunting I guess, not fully geared is what I mean.
My dad killed a couple moose with his friend while we were in the CITY. :) So I had some this week. T'was good indeed. If I had a freezer in my car, I would send some to my white peeps, but I dont.

Praise the Lord it's not cold out there yet. We had sun this week!!! might be 17 outside...
O listen to this thing I learned again... My mom told me to get dad's check at the band office. for what? I wondered to myself... I found out that it's from hydro quebec who helps us pay electricity! how random is that??? We....well they, every house hold gets a check. If I had my own house I would get one too!! Sounds cool, but I do not plan on building my home yet, maybe not until I retire.
I wonder if I would want to live in the bushes or the city when I get old..... I think I would still love Starbucks and shopping for my grandchildren and go see a movie on Tuesday nights and travel in and out of the country. Hmm I need an airport nearby. That was easy. City it is!!

I gotta go back to work now!! :)

miniblog...undone

2007-10-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

Here I am back in the north….protecting youths as Sarah Dalley would say. There’s a bit of a mist in the air here in Mistissini and looks gloomy out there. I almost feel gloomy, but not a lot, just about 7.9 percent. I am glad to be back home and back to work. However I do not have work to do at the moment, but replacing the secretary for the morning. It looks like it was a quiet week last week while I was away. Ptl.

My New Life

2007-09-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

...........in Mistissini

It has its surprises from time to time.

I find that more and more I am getting to like it again...living in a Cree community. Living in 'white' community has always been a huge blessing and now the shock of not having a white friend is over, I can live here another few months here with my Indian peeps in the true white or green north. Actually, it's not that I don't have white friends, but missing the great friendships that I had for 2 years. it took a few weeks to adjust and know that I will not have the life I had back in TO with all the wonderful great things that were fun and accessible and the friends of course . The transition is over and now I am getting to love the feeling of settling in and having somewhat of a routine, who knows maybe I'll move south or to the west coast once I am done my time here.

I am a full time worker now and I have been very blessed with that. I love where I work. I know I will probably face some challenges, but it is ok and even better for me in the future. There is a promise for me that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", so I should be doing good as I have many helpers here on earth as well from heaven. Although 9 - 5 was not my deal or kind of living, at the present moment...I am not minding it at all.

I've also been teaching some life changing teachings to women this week and to see my papa show up feels very exciting knowing he is doing the work. And all I have to do is speak out his truth. I will be doing another 2 sessions with them again next week, so that will be fun and I look forward to what more papa will do for us all. I love it when we give him time and day to let him move in us, in our hearts because He does change our hearts in the end when we have said yes to him.

Two things I learned during my time here since I been home and it hasn't been a month yet. One, take time to process and accept the (difficult) time of transition and two, take the initiative -do something. I was sad the first couple weeks to be honest, but I had the choice to stay in it for a few more weeks or month?? I was actually bored as well because I made my life boring here. I didn't do anything to make things change.

So one Sunday I went to church and I felt it during the week....that I ...needed to do something. Because all along I was basically living for me, myself & I!! So in one announcement at the Baptist church, they needed volunteers for the awana nite for kids and so I was excited for that because I can do something on a Tuesday than just do my own thing at home. I can have a routine...wow..listen to me now...I want a routine, but not the kind that sticks for a long rigid time.... Flexiblility is still my way of moving, but I want to be out there and involved in my community in the small things because that is probably where there I may influence someone in a possitive way. wow....another change...hmmm... I was used to be afraid of influencing people around me thinking I had such a bad streak, but I don't. hmmm..how cool is that? anyway....

I felt a change one afternoon, a sudden one and I think it was because I was embracing change and wanted to do something other than what I did at home. That's when things began to roll. Now I must rock on out!!!

I am indeed blessed!

Blessed where ever I am and wherever I go. I must be so loved...Indeed I am!!!

home alone

2007-09-01T19:38:00.000-04:00

wow....kinda feels nice to be home alone...having so much space. what do I do with all these space. I love it though. I can do what I want and be 'me' as well.

Kinda weird to say that, but I know I have not been really me....a lil afraid that no one will understand me..the new me....in a way i want to be the one I was known for..just so it is more familiar and easy to get along with..But that isn't right.
I guess I have to take a risk and see how things will go and turn out..... Maybe in the meantime, I can practice it...

How I miss being with friends and be crazy. I can't really do that as I don't have a lot in common with most people. My friends have their own world. So how do I begin to engage? feels a bit more tougher with my kinda peeps than it is with white folks. I miss them dearly beloved white folks of mine. all my love to thee. xo

long weekend

2007-09-01T02:21:00.000-04:00

So, what can you do up in the freezing north? ok, maybe I am exagerating, but you have to understand that I was in California where it never was chily. I still miss California..the people, the place, basically just about everything. It's my sister in laws birthday nite and having a glass of wine and the rest of the gang was playing poker...they tried to teach me, but i couldn't be bothered to learn. I just don't get and it's just one too many numbers. My younger brother is here for the weekend and it's been a ball since he's been here.
We have no plans for this weekend, but as far as I know we are staying put. I was hoping to leave, but I am still in the process of paying bills.
Hmmmm...life is interesting here. I've worked 2 weeks now and i have one more week to go and I will probably work another 2 weeks.
Anyway, I;m kinda boring right now, just now because I have not done anything different in my life. I need to be more creative and take the initiative...when it comes to doing stuff.
I guess I could or should work on my many sermons that are going on in my mind!! Anyway "I gots to go, cause I got nothing against them Indians".

wireless exists

2007-08-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

It does exist in the north. I am borrowing it from my neighbors at the moment until we get it on monday. love my lil black mac Abe to get the wireless and have me connected to the rest of the world. However, I have to open my window to get it. But that is fine by me. It's nice. I'm in my room alone and mom n dad are gone and its just plain quiet and I'm sittin on a garbage bin and my suitcase is my desk with the window open. cant complain!

update? i think it's about time

2007-08-21T21:07:00.000-04:00

I am finally home again! It feels cool I think. I am already working, and that feels funny. I still haven't decided which room to take in this house. I'm having good meals everyday and I'm enjoying that. feels like I'm still moving. I may need some time to process stuff or not....do I work like that? I dunno, haven't really gone into that..next month I get to preach at a women's retreat and that is quite exciting! I've unpacked and have two rooms and i have to decide where Im going to settle. Either way i feel like I won't be here for long and want to please my dad for making the rooms upstairs for me and my brother. But downstairs feels like I have my own appartment, but I am more drawn to go upstairs as my dad specifically made that one room for me. Its got a huge closet and i think i could fill it up. I realised I dont have much clothing, funny enough....
I will have to go to TO and shop for fall clothing! miss my store... g2g now

my friends

2007-08-03T17:59:00.000-04:00

I miss all my close sgl friends.....love you Ayshka & Sam xoxoxoxox. Love them all.....really precious indeed :(

coming home

2007-07-29T14:15:00.000-04:00

leaving a place I called 'home' to a place i called home, but dont really have a home of my own..yet! where should I live now? somewhere beautiful I'm sure

California

2007-07-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

Today is my last hour in California state. We'll be leaving soon to head home. It's been a fantastic month and I loved every bit of it even the questionable times and just being here with Sam and the team has been a real treat. I met people I have grown to love and I have a hard time leaving these precious loved ones of mine. I didn't think this place could give me such a huge impact on me and to know what papa's has been doin in my heart, just makes me want to get closer and closer to him, so I can hear exactly what to do and say when he moves and speaks. Many times I am not aware that he speaks through me. I am really blessed. Everwhere we went this month, all I could think of is his kindness, love, joy, struggles here and there, but his faithfulness always proved him perfect. I love my dad!!!

I'm going to miss this place honestly. The people have touched my heart and I hope to see them again in the future. I think I'd love to try it out if it will work out in the future. The girls in the LRM have immensely blessed me and opened my eyes to see and love beyond and be full of love and grace. I seen how great our papa is and how kind he is to everyone and so gentle and loving. All I wanted to do was love more and receive love as well.

It was an incredible experience to have work with the recovery people. It has brought me joy to see them blossom and love life and want to experience more. Even if it took a couple weeks to soften up, we did come to a place of wanting each other's company and be a blessing to one another without even realizing it. God has done much work in my heart and I didn't even become aware of it until one of the girls left the house to live back on the rouh end of life. That was painful and I needed to forgive her and release her and bless her. It was painful and it hurt as well to see the other girls being so hurt by her actions. It was quite the journey. I don't think I have had this experience ever before and to see bits of my prophecy fulfilled about working with addicts has been a real blessing and I would like to experience more. I didn't think I could work with people under those circumstance, but honestly I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength to do it. who knows? maybe I will be working with people as such.....because I have grown to love the broken, the hurting, the unwanted, unloved, rejected..... God is good ....great...so loving!!

I love you papa!!!!
you are indeed fantastic!!

take care or be careful

2007-07-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

I learnt that when I try to change a way of saying things or be careful not to make noise, the more I say things in a wrong way and the more noise I make. I found out that once I pray for help, everything I want to say comes out naturally and dont need to stress myself. All I need is to ask plainly what I need and I get it freely. So cool!! That's one revelation!:)

here

2007-07-08T22:21:00.001-04:00

I thought I knew how to add more words to my previous blog, but I guess I don't. We just got back from the beach and just showered and now i feel so relaxed and lovin the sun on my face. We went to a river actually and it had a tiny beach and we swam across to get on a rope and swing and jump into the river. It was quite fun and then we went up the stream and climbed up rocks and jumped into some friggin cold water and lil falls .... was quite the nice afternoon!

.;'[]=-`

2007-07-08T22:15:00.000-04:00

that was not cree, but just couldnt come up with a good title. this is all i wanted to do.

extreme encounter

2007-07-05T00:47:00.000-04:00

well well well... we got back from a wilderness boot camp typa deal but christiany oriented...quite the character builder... i thought to myself at first, this attitude of mine ...ahhh how long will i have to struggle with this???? interestingly when I confessed that to myself and God heard me...I was more disappointed in me...but he heard me and somehow the next day..I was completely changed... I had an open heart to do all that we must do that day.... I didnt think this encounter was going to do much to me but it did...So ya....im weak and he became my strength..I might go in details about this but we'll see how much time I have...meanwhile I will enjoy the summer heat in California.

last nite of holiday

2007-06-27T03:29:00.000-04:00

well I should probably be sleepin now, but I will take the most of this..as this is my last free all to myself kinda time...alone in this dark room. Im on a double bed with duvet and down pillows and air conditioning is on... it's so nice. In the next 20 hours I will be back in the dorm with my peeps and the noise..it will be fun...but right now i am enjoying the stillness and quietness of it all. I can hear the birds now..kinda early isn't it? anyway...i think i will try to finish off my movie -bridge to terabithia or something like that...gnite!

headin home

2007-06-25T00:08:00.000-04:00

I am goin to Montreal and I dont know if that is home anymore....I want to find out where do I go after school. I do not know what will be, but I just want a home. I want to go a place where I can rest and know I have found my home. I am not like a bird as Nelly would try to convince me sing along with her. where is my home papa?

ahhhh

2007-06-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

what a feeling to be in a place where you are just waiting on Cathy to get her hair done. I am sooo glad to be here with her and I'm blessed to just hang out and I seriously don't mind waiting here as I go online and here and there online. The hairdresser is blow drying her hair now. It's looking nice and short. We get to hang out later on and see if I can get something at my favorite store. This place is quite nice and funky a bit. The workers are quite nice and very hospitable. The guy actually gave me the password to get online. How sweet is that? Maybe they have just gotten a new customer..who knows? Maybe if I live here, I'll come here for sure and be blessed by this sweet ummmm.......let me take of you. Yes!! here! I am all yours!! I think I can make a commercial right now.
Anyhoop, I am away from the conference for few hours and gain my posture I guess. I think I may walk like a ministry zombie or something. So I think it's sooo good that I am here and not worry about what to say when I prophecy on stage tonight. Let's just not go there for now.
I heard that think of such things verse is what papa thinks of me. So how lovely it is for me to be downtown because that is a refresher to my soul from time to time. I just had iced caramel macchiato as well before we got here. ahhh sweet memories...
I got more money yesterday from an ol friend from Montreal. My dad told me it was 35 degrees up north and that is crazy. It's more than the weather we have here. Anyway I must go and check more cool stuff online.

this journey

2007-06-10T14:13:00.000-04:00

Everyday seems another day of new more interesting discoveries and just so much more to explore and understand and at times not at all have an understanding of what is goin on. I saw a tree being swept to the ground by the wind. How cool is that? Wind you feel, but can't really see its color but you only see it by the way things are blown...to the left to the left....oops that was from beonce. anyway wind is indeed powerful element. can i even say that? I dunno, but it sounds good. I watched Pride & Prejudice last night and it was quite complicated to watch especially for someone like who has no idea about english culture. I only know of community life and prestige is not a thing I know very well. My friends helped me out to understand it, so that was very helpful.
Yea my journey about being a daughter has been interesting..... my mom called me the other day to tell me that she cried n cried because of not knowing what is it like being a daughter....interesting... She had a dad for 8 years and her dad died. It was quite cool, but what was I to say? I was kinda speechless and maybe it was meant to be that way so I wouldnt say more to minister to her spirit...I think, but I could be wrong, but I prayed that God would finish up what he started in her...cool huh??

letting go

2007-06-06T22:18:00.000-04:00

I got a larger picture of me today, understood myself of why I am the way I am. I realize why I am so passive and even in my not doing anything, I am still loved. I don't get it, but it's the truth. I judged my dad and so i reap what i sown..... but i have a new vision.. leading a new lifestyle i have bits n pieces i discovered, but now its like chosing to let go family n let god be god n me be me- a daughter. im a daughter.

so

2007-06-05T23:48:00.000-04:00

the question was "you don't know how much you're loved, do you?" In my nothingnees & emptiness, there seems an unawareness of feeling loved. When all passion is gone and no interest in love... I wonder why am i on this road? how did i get here? Then in my own mess, I am loved. The wrong turns i made and addictions i have lead me to believe that i need to work my way back home to love. Paddle back and see if i can ride backwards on the same path...that's quite impossible. shall we head home?

hope prevails

2007-06-03T23:59:00.000-04:00

there is hope even when all seems to fail. He is our hope.
I been kissed by the son.
these days of intimacy have started.
there is hope.

in class

2007-05-29T18:00:00.000-04:00

So one question today in bible class that I may need to journal about. They said if you can see all the faults in your mom and think your dad is a hero, the question to ask is
What are the things that you don’t want to be like your dad? That’s where you find you made a judgment on him.

That hit something close in my heart and gets more hurtful especially knowing about his decision of not coming.... sounds like its goin to be an interesting week.

bummed out

2007-05-28T21:20:00.000-04:00

So I found out my parents are not coming for the leaders school and I am so sadenned by that decision. It hurts actually. I'm really sad about it.

I was sooo excited about them and now that I heard they couldn't anymore just breaks my heart.... so much for the excitement, but hey maybe I can pray to God and plead to have them change their minds. Oh God please let it be. Amen.

back in my room

2007-05-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

pow wow was a fun loving time for me and my 3 friends. Shaun, Manuel & Hannah were the chosen ones. It was a blast of blessing after blessing. We left at 3 n got in at 8 just in time for his first song. I had to drive quite fast praying that there wouldn't be any police anywhere near me. That was a rare kind of prayer... The whole weekend was a blessing...to see old friends and family and hang out and have my friends know me more at my level being with my kindA PEEPS all over me. It was an honor as well to share my culture with them. And on top of that we went to see Jason Upton so that was such a cool experience especially for Shaun. Manu had good food and lots of it and Hannah bought some cool mocks. I had my mom n dad and the whole clan around me....Now I am back in my room and slowly adjusting to the norm...

return of the ...

2007-05-22T00:16:00.000-04:00

well well well, what could I possibly say? I LOVED our minioutreach and it's thanks to papa for giving me such an amazing fun team and Sam was just great and so fun and easy to partner with. I think we balance each other well. From the time we left til the time we came back, it was just so worth it all. I grown a bit I think in the area of prophetic. I just need to practice more on a daily basis because I just seem to use it only when I minister. I may have to write more later on. I need to go to bed now.

off to...

2007-05-18T00:53:00.000-04:00

well here comes mini outreach and we are headed to Cumberland beach. We had a well planned schedule but interestingly enough, our contact person told us everything is cancelled for Saturday and I wonder what God could possibly have in mind. I laugh at these things that happen to us because it's just so funny and I think God is having fun with us as we try real hard to adjust to making schedules. NOt really, but I always have in the back of my mind to be all prepared and well organized because everyone else is, but it just gets messed up and perhaps its not meant to be and I am more graciously accepting that fact that I am not the greatest planner doer of the world, but things do get done somehow mysteriously. Now that is something to something to praise the Lord about. Thank you Jesus for your grace and understanding. So we will pack and go to our mission to do what were called to do however that may look like. all aboard!!

sweet thing

2007-05-13T15:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe I take it too lightly but not really..seriously. Just the title says something less than what it is. It's more than a sweet thing.
Ok on Friday night, all of the soaking school people were to get prayer and we got up in lines and I stood in an open receiving position. And I think I was not expecting a lot to happen, but one man came over to pray for me. It's one of the few men I really admire and even though I don't really know him, I esteem him and highly respect him. I do not understand myself too as to why I respect him so much, but it is a good thing and a godly thing to view such men like him to have a godly father heart. As he prayed for me, he said these words I never heard "Fawn, you are so precious" and out of the blue wells of water sprang up and out of my eyes... I could feel he meant those words and I just cried and cried. It was so healing. He came back to lay his hand on my shoulder and as I was just looking up to look at him, he just looked at me straight in the eyes and it's almost like he was saying, "i love you and you don't really know that do you?" He gently shook his head and i could feel love and all I could do at that point was cry because I knew in my spirit that I was so loved. It was like papa telling me those words over and over and over "you are so precious".

I've been crying so much this week. so much that my eyeballs were so puffy and my nose looked a bit swollen and had a headache one day. It ws quite the healing week. There's much more, but I shall keep it short and sweet..very sweet!

conference + soaking school

2007-05-12T14:10:00.000-04:00

so much has happened and lotsa more to come and great things both fun and a bit hard times.... It's been quite the week and I hope to have Monday to process eveything that papa's been telling me and challenging me...its all good. anyway i have to keep this short as I may need to go to the afternoon session and a huge part of me wants to go to the room and sleep. what to do and what not to do. here's the latest look

new chapter

2007-05-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

So out of nowhere I decided to go to the soaking school this week and it just came up this morning while we had small group at Cathy’s house. I’ve been this journey of how do I worship and how can I settle and give him love that would actually come out of my heart that I really really love him. I want so much more, but am I making an effort to get him? I am afraid not. It’s been more or less, we’ll see how this will go, but I don’t want it to be like that. And now I ask myself, how much do I want to be with God and how much do I love him? Am I desperate or hungry enough? And I’ve let other things and people take over his spot and I came down to repent of my ways and now hope that things in my heart have changed for the better… This morning's worship was really good. In my heart this morning after it was all over, I wanted to have this heart in me at every morning to expect from him and meet him however I may be feeling. I think that would be such an amazing life to live like that.

Soaking school....is so what I need in my life right now. So much has gone on in my mind and just to name a few, I wondered how can I go further in him and move forward... It almost seemed like I was living for others in lil ways I do, but I totally let go of my own dreams and hopes and just focused on others. My life seemed dry and my soaking times were only during the times we usually do it. My times with papa was whenever I had short time and of course I have all the time I can make, but I made no effort or made him priority and that is what's been in my heart and just feeling sad about it and yet in some ways I can still move on like that...seriously it is so the grace of God that I can actually write about this and see where I am today and want to "get in there with my papa today" and so I began s.s. this afternoon.
So of course an ice cap would not help drinking that before the session started. My mind was just racing and would not stop until it was time for a session on father heart. It was good and I did enjoy the session and it seemed like I was doing core value month again. I rested more after the session and that is what I definitely need right now and I so believe it is a divine appointment for me to be trained to rest in him and I am actually looking forward to this week. This evening's session was interesting. God came and brought some cast off memories and.... unto heart surgery and there was much tears to that part and it was just really rather painful, but I engaged and I think I am ok now.... though I somehow feel that this might be slightly a bit longer but not too long, but he is going to take time and how I would love to rush and get to the point and get over it and all healed up... that might not happen so quickly and I do feel a bit irritated a bit even by my roomates interestingly...it's all me though. I have great roomates, both lovely.

Anyway I feel fine and I think I'm more sensitive than other days, but I'm willing to get all this healing and resting in him this week. I really need to be schooled in this area I so lack or seem very weak in this area of "resting". Thank you Jesus for this time...

First Time

2007-05-06T23:19:00.001-04:00

I had my first pedicure today. I had one in Brazil, but it was not professionally done. This time around, I had an oriental lady do my feet. Hannah and I went to a place near Cathy's house and I think we stayed there almost an hour. Sweet lil oriental ladies. I had the special chair while Hannah had the best chair with the basin. I had the add water in the basin thing and plug it to get the buzz goin. Anyway, I have beautiful feet and I had some style add on to my big toe nail because according to the lady I had to the 'special' chair and so my reward was a sweet design for being humble. It was really nice of her. I never really looked at my feet much before, but I have "happy feet". Sweet!!!
The movie was really sweet last night and I actually stayed throughout the whole movie! So now I am off to see the movie again just because it is very sweet.

left or right

2007-05-05T00:10:00.001-04:00

I'm on the crossroad of believe or not believe. Can I or Do I really trust my dad as I would like to? I doubt it. I just want to see little by little that I can actually trust with everything that I am and have. I know I have nothing compared to all the might and strength that he has for me, but I am scared of the hardships. I don't know what the future holds for me and everyone says it is great, but makes me think, there must be a cost and it's just so scary. Future is unknown. I don't know how to trust again... Can I lay everything all down? what ifs here and there.
I know my dad is the greatest of all gods and is the most loving perfect papa, but something in me has this tiny twitch that wonders can it be as it is? Can it be all that good? Is it true? I have yet to discover this mystery in many ways and it is the ways that I do not know make me nervous... I must have more of him. I need him and that is all I need. I desire to know the truth, the kind that totally sets you free. I want it so bad. Can it be? help my unbelief...

wellington

2007-04-30T22:22:00.000-04:00

I cried at dinner time because we had beef wellington and I didn't eat it and so I grabbed this apple and it was tasteless and so I cried because I just want food. good food.

weird

2007-04-29T14:16:00.000-04:00

So I got up this morning and gettin more and more hyper for some reason unknown...and then I go to church, my excitement went down. I felt like I could do something else and not engage in a service. I dont get it.... I wonder now should I always go to church on sunday? That's probably more a yes answer, but I felt so energized and it's not that I had lotsa sleep, but somethin good happened and I don't know what I done with it. where did it go? I don't know, but I must go look for it and see if it's foundable.