in class

So one question today in bible class that I may need to journal about. They said if you can see all the faults in your mom and think your dad is a hero, the question to ask is
What are the things that you don’t want to be like your dad? That’s where you find you made a judgment on him.

That hit something close in my heart and gets more hurtful especially knowing about his decision of not coming.... sounds like its goin to be an interesting week.

bummed out

So I found out my parents are not coming for the leaders school and I am so sadenned by that decision. It hurts actually. I'm really sad about it.

I was sooo excited about them and now that I heard they couldn't anymore just breaks my heart.... so much for the excitement, but hey maybe I can pray to God and plead to have them change their minds. Oh God please let it be. Amen.

back in my room

pow wow was a fun loving time for me and my 3 friends. Shaun, Manuel & Hannah were the chosen ones. It was a blast of blessing after blessing. We left at 3 n got in at 8 just in time for his first song. I had to drive quite fast praying that there wouldn't be any police anywhere near me. That was a rare kind of prayer... The whole weekend was a blessing...to see old friends and family and hang out and have my friends know me more at my level being with my kindA PEEPS all over me. It was an honor as well to share my culture with them. And on top of that we went to see Jason Upton so that was such a cool experience especially for Shaun. Manu had good food and lots of it and Hannah bought some cool mocks. I had my mom n dad and the whole clan around me....Now I am back in my room and slowly adjusting to the norm...

return of the ...

well well well, what could I possibly say? I LOVED our minioutreach and it's thanks to papa for giving me such an amazing fun team and Sam was just great and so fun and easy to partner with. I think we balance each other well. From the time we left til the time we came back, it was just so worth it all. I grown a bit I think in the area of prophetic. I just need to practice more on a daily basis because I just seem to use it only when I minister. I may have to write more later on. I need to go to bed now.

off to...

well here comes mini outreach and we are headed to Cumberland beach. We had a well planned schedule but interestingly enough, our contact person told us everything is cancelled for Saturday and I wonder what God could possibly have in mind. I laugh at these things that happen to us because it's just so funny and I think God is having fun with us as we try real hard to adjust to making schedules. NOt really, but I always have in the back of my mind to be all prepared and well organized because everyone else is, but it just gets messed up and perhaps its not meant to be and I am more graciously accepting that fact that I am not the greatest planner doer of the world, but things do get done somehow mysteriously. Now that is something to something to praise the Lord about. Thank you Jesus for your grace and understanding. So we will pack and go to our mission to do what were called to do however that may look like. all aboard!!

sweet thing

Maybe I take it too lightly but not really..seriously. Just the title says something less than what it is. It's more than a sweet thing.
Ok on Friday night, all of the soaking school people were to get prayer and we got up in lines and I stood in an open receiving position. And I think I was not expecting a lot to happen, but one man came over to pray for me. It's one of the few men I really admire and even though I don't really know him, I esteem him and highly respect him. I do not understand myself too as to why I respect him so much, but it is a good thing and a godly thing to view such men like him to have a godly father heart. As he prayed for me, he said these words I never heard "Fawn, you are so precious" and out of the blue wells of water sprang up and out of my eyes... I could feel he meant those words and I just cried and cried. It was so healing. He came back to lay his hand on my shoulder and as I was just looking up to look at him, he just looked at me straight in the eyes and it's almost like he was saying, "i love you and you don't really know that do you?" He gently shook his head and i could feel love and all I could do at that point was cry because I knew in my spirit that I was so loved. It was like papa telling me those words over and over and over "you are so precious".

I've been crying so much this week. so much that my eyeballs were so puffy and my nose looked a bit swollen and had a headache one day. It ws quite the healing week. There's much more, but I shall keep it short and sweet..very sweet!

conference + soaking school

so much has happened and lotsa more to come and great things both fun and a bit hard times.... It's been quite the week and I hope to have Monday to process eveything that papa's been telling me and challenging me...its all good. anyway i have to keep this short as I may need to go to the afternoon session and a huge part of me wants to go to the room and sleep. what to do and what not to do. here's the latest look

new chapter

So out of nowhere I decided to go to the soaking school this week and it just came up this morning while we had small group at Cathy’s house. I’ve been this journey of how do I worship and how can I settle and give him love that would actually come out of my heart that I really really love him. I want so much more, but am I making an effort to get him? I am afraid not. It’s been more or less, we’ll see how this will go, but I don’t want it to be like that. And now I ask myself, how much do I want to be with God and how much do I love him? Am I desperate or hungry enough? And I’ve let other things and people take over his spot and I came down to repent of my ways and now hope that things in my heart have changed for the better… This morning's worship was really good. In my heart this morning after it was all over, I wanted to have this heart in me at every morning to expect from him and meet him however I may be feeling. I think that would be such an amazing life to live like that.

Soaking school....is so what I need in my life right now. So much has gone on in my mind and just to name a few, I wondered how can I go further in him and move forward... It almost seemed like I was living for others in lil ways I do, but I totally let go of my own dreams and hopes and just focused on others. My life seemed dry and my soaking times were only during the times we usually do it. My times with papa was whenever I had short time and of course I have all the time I can make, but I made no effort or made him priority and that is what's been in my heart and just feeling sad about it and yet in some ways I can still move on like that...seriously it is so the grace of God that I can actually write about this and see where I am today and want to "get in there with my papa today" and so I began s.s. this afternoon.
So of course an ice cap would not help drinking that before the session started. My mind was just racing and would not stop until it was time for a session on father heart. It was good and I did enjoy the session and it seemed like I was doing core value month again. I rested more after the session and that is what I definitely need right now and I so believe it is a divine appointment for me to be trained to rest in him and I am actually looking forward to this week. This evening's session was interesting. God came and brought some cast off memories and.... unto heart surgery and there was much tears to that part and it was just really rather painful, but I engaged and I think I am ok now.... though I somehow feel that this might be slightly a bit longer but not too long, but he is going to take time and how I would love to rush and get to the point and get over it and all healed up... that might not happen so quickly and I do feel a bit irritated a bit even by my roomates interestingly...it's all me though. I have great roomates, both lovely.

Anyway I feel fine and I think I'm more sensitive than other days, but I'm willing to get all this healing and resting in him this week. I really need to be schooled in this area I so lack or seem very weak in this area of "resting". Thank you Jesus for this time...

First Time

I had my first pedicure today. I had one in Brazil, but it was not professionally done. This time around, I had an oriental lady do my feet. Hannah and I went to a place near Cathy's house and I think we stayed there almost an hour. Sweet lil oriental ladies. I had the special chair while Hannah had the best chair with the basin. I had the add water in the basin thing and plug it to get the buzz goin. Anyway, I have beautiful feet and I had some style add on to my big toe nail because according to the lady I had to the 'special' chair and so my reward was a sweet design for being humble. It was really nice of her. I never really looked at my feet much before, but I have "happy feet". Sweet!!!
The movie was really sweet last night and I actually stayed throughout the whole movie! So now I am off to see the movie again just because it is very sweet.

left or right

I'm on the crossroad of believe or not believe. Can I or Do I really trust my dad as I would like to? I doubt it. I just want to see little by little that I can actually trust with everything that I am and have. I know I have nothing compared to all the might and strength that he has for me, but I am scared of the hardships. I don't know what the future holds for me and everyone says it is great, but makes me think, there must be a cost and it's just so scary. Future is unknown. I don't know how to trust again... Can I lay everything all down? what ifs here and there.
I know my dad is the greatest of all gods and is the most loving perfect papa, but something in me has this tiny twitch that wonders can it be as it is? Can it be all that good? Is it true? I have yet to discover this mystery in many ways and it is the ways that I do not know make me nervous... I must have more of him. I need him and that is all I need. I desire to know the truth, the kind that totally sets you free. I want it so bad. Can it be? help my unbelief...