one word

hunger... when you fast, after a while you can just go on without food with no problem. And it fascinates me that we are to make ourself hungry again for us to go back to eating (healthy wise). And it's so true that it is that exact same way when we hunger for God. We need to have some more. The more you have him, the more you crave for him and it gets even more intense when you actually follow after your hunger day in and day out. I got this from this week's teaching and that spoke to my heart. And tonight, I felt unsettled because of the way I've been eating and drinking coffee and whatever else seems like an addiction and for the first time again in a long long time, I felt bad for going after the cravings of the world. They are not huge but they become bigger the more I go after these silly stupid cravings that just give me a temporary high or fix. This journey I'm on is so interesting. But I know it always leads me to him, to run to him, to rest in his love so he can fill that whole in my heart that seems to settle for something that isn't doing me any good.................. I want more... love. I think that is exactly what Im calling out for and all that I need.

reminisce

This week has been so good. We had more teaching on intimacy and it just feels so good to be reminded time and time again and I feel very refreshed at the moment because I took times this week to be more intimate I guess, but not a whole lot more with God but a lot with others around me that are always around but are distant and it was good and I thank God the times of being alone with him because it helped me alot what to say when one is asking about a certain thing. From the beginning being here, it was just so hard and extremely lonesome and I had to make time to be with him or not because everyone that was close to me (say Andrea)was so far away and when times of wanting a mother's hug or father's touch was just impossible but he came and proved himself true and faithful to his name...papa. I could almost say that it took me about 2 month or 7 weeks to figure me out. know what i mean? I had to be AlOnE to figure that one out and it was not the most exciting thing, but I have overcome again by the power of love. It's good, real good. Thank you papa for your never ending crazy love for me. Looking back now, I'm happy I gone through some things that seemed imposible but it wasnt even impossible. It just changes the way way you look on life and people and Him too.
And tonight, Niki and I n Morley were invited to Aj's birthday party. Dinner and bowling and it was such a good time. We had fun and again it just feels so honoring to be with these amazing people around me because I know that they all have a huge impact on me and I know that they sincerely love me and I know that I love them in return and it's so easy to love on them. It's amazing where this journey is taking me. He's been so goood yesterday and today and I know he will be tomorrow and everyday of my life. No matter what, I know that I know that his goodness is never ending.....crazy! but SO true...AHHHHHH

im loved

Tonight, my papa told me that
I AM REDEEMABLE. I AM REDEEMED. HE REMINDED ME OVER AND OVER ABOUT THE TIME ABOUT MY TEETH AND HOW CAROL SAID THIS IS MY TIME OF REDEMPTION. I AM OVERWHELMED BY HIS LOVE FOR ME...............................................
All I could do is cry and cry and do some more crying. How else can I say it? Truth has hit my heart once again and again....

sweet!

What a great weekend. I had an amazing time here and there. Yesterday we went out to Stratford for a day t be with Lulu's birthday. It was so lovely, we just had such a fun blessed day. It was cold and refreshing. It was just so much fun. Mandy was the one who more or less organized the trip there. Then Sunday I went to TACF East and Sarah preached/teached on Interpretation of dreams. It was so cool and I got more revelations so that was another amazing thing about my special weekend and then I went to Central and it was just sooooo............hard to put words, but i love Jesus!! it was just ahhhh I dunno. Maybe next time, I will try to write out details when my eyes are fine cause they're too dry to look into the screen. Tonight's sermon was on trust -life of Joseph and Im so blessed to know that I am here and this is part of the journey. The end of the journey is where its all at. The process...is where I should be...faithful and taking the most of every moment.... Joseph did have quite the life and yea trust.... It's a big thing...Im so small and he's just so big. I had to repent and it was so good. It's so cool to know me being here is part of my destiny. That Gordon and Cathy are part of my journey to what is ahead of me and that the sgls have a role in it and ahhhh. It just never ends. LIfe is so sweet............so interesting.....

cruise?

Yup! As of today it looks like I am goin on a cruise somewhere in the Carribean... Im thinking Im gonna turn black since where I am headed for the month of January will be so hot and then I head back for few days and back to south on a ship on the sea.... it sounds so good. I love it. I just hope my family won't get offended that I wont be home soon after the outreach. I am now officially the princess carribean queen. PCQ. I think i like that. anyway gots to go.

friends or one friend

It's so refreshing to be out of the area and have a wonderful meal with one friend. Sarah D. and I went out to eat and just hang out and I had a wonderful, funny, joyful time with her. Seriously I am so blessed. I love hangin out in groups but I prefer and can be more at ease in a much smaller group and at times one person is enough or best for me. Though it is nice to have bunch of people to talk to but I dunno I just rather be alone with a friend or two, so we can actually talk and listen.
I took off my sgl coat and she took off her pastoral coat and it felt so relaxing n fun as well.I have Sarah as my pastor and friend as well and better yet we can be like totally freakos and just laugh our heads out because we just.... funny together. yea! I think that's it. I can actually be crazy and not care and fear that I might offend the lil heart of Sarah.
I found out we both love fish, but we didn't go out for that tonight. We had some real good thai food and it was just a joyous time. What can I say? I had a blessed time. It was nice to know the lil Sarah who ruins carpet, curtains with some pink product at 2 and fawn who flooded the house and ruined the carpet for life. We have some things we done that are somewhat common.
I just want to say I am happy and feel very honored to have spent this evening with a friend and she is an amazing person who I look up to and highly admire for who she is. Anyone who knows her would agree no doubt. She's indeed incredible. And I'm so blessed, it's so cool. I love blessings!!! When you really think of it though, it's papa's goodness that just makes you so grateful for what he has given you and blessed you to enjoy for life really. Thank you papa for this life you blessed me. Just looking back now....makes me so thankful for what he has done and changed and restored in my life. It's amazing. There is much to say but I will leave it to that. I am very thankful for Sarah and that papa allowed me to be here so I can get to know her and grow and just live life here at this point in my life. amen.

financial favor?

The other day while I was journalling at lakeshore on the grass...such a wonderful day, anyway I was kindly reminding papa about how I need to pay up something that was due today and while in worship today I told him that I didnt want money to be my god and I left it at that. So I got to check my bank account and yea....it happened again!!! I got more money transfers. TWO in one day and my lil brother said he was gonna send me money tomorrow. So that makes 3 in one week. WHat would you call that? Financial favor? Perhaps. Im telling you, my dad really considers about my due date payments. It's so fascinating because even though it's just on some piece of paper that says DUE DATE, he would actually take the time to touch the hearts of others so I could in the end receive what I have today. He cares a lot, prolly a whole lot more than I think. So amazing!! Seriously. I got to buy toothpaste and I was down to the last drop today. I did have some lil money left , but I just didn't touch it. My friends have asked me to pray for them to impart that I dunno what you could call it, but I say favor. I claim it and I get it. I don't know if it's that simple but hey try it and & but do not forget the 10%. That is a must and at times put more than 10%.
So, before I took off to pay off some thing, I emailed my brother to ask if he mentioned about me needing $ to my parents because I do not want to be a burden to them especially at this time where they just finished building a huge house (mansion for me). He says he didn't and his answer to me though surprised me and says 'good grief child! you are soo rich'. Made me think and laugh at myself too. He's not walking with papa yet. He's on the run but can't go far. ANyway he brought some good sense to me. I needed it. My parents sent me money because they just wanted to and of course they love me and want to bless me. I just told my mom abotu the due date and I think it really blessed her because they just did what they felt they should do. So cool!
So it was a nice surprise. Sometimes I say I just keep spending money because I just don't seem to run out of it, and it is true. That may sound obnoxious, but it's not all on me though, so I think I'm safe. But honestly speaking life really works and speaking poverty over yourself will take its toll I tell ya. I don't remember the last time I over an overdraft in my account. And if I did, it was prolly cause of my foolishness.
I have three bank accounts and I've been really good at saving my income that I get from working/living here. My goal is to deposit the checks and not touch a cent and so far, so so so good. I'm proud of myself. I think it's a good think in this area to be proud of. Hallelujah!!
So again thank you papa. You done it again. The song on sunday made me I dunno what to say but it goes like this 'you are good' and he said ya, I was good yesterday and I am good today and then he ends by tellin and I will be good in the future. SO true. He was, is and will be always good to his children no matter what. He is good even when we are not and when circumstances dont seem like it, but HE is GooD and that alone is the truth. Take it or leave. I'm amazed. He's so majestic and he remembers me, Fawnsita, the one and only indian fawn at the blogspot dot com. ya, that's my daddy.................................................

yuk

i really dont like cramps. I want to puke but nothing is comin out. Im in bed not its not exciting. I want to eat but afraid. I dunno my hunger is on pause and I just dont want to consume anything not even water. ahhhhh..... I hate this. lyin doesnt seem to help in any position. i wish i could puke maybe that would be helpful at least. I want a bathtub and just lots of hot things... to drink n maybe soup. mom.... i feel like i need you. heal me now lord. amen

nice weekend

Sunday was so nice. Lyin on the grass with the sun beaming down on your face and reading a book and just havin a sweet time with papa was just so what I needed. IT WAS JUST PERFECT. Indeed the picture was perfect and you can't always get that in october.
Monday I finally got some turkey real home cooked meal and lots of added stuff. thank you lord!
I have lulu with me for the night and just so many blessings for me and I am surrounded by so many blessings. It's lovely.

It was an interesting weekend. It started off a bit hard, but ended very good and happy. Now off to bed and get ready to work manana. hasta luego!

Road Trip -Saturday

So I got woken up by my phone voice mail ring. Got up to check it. It's so weird my phone ring at times but I get this special ring when I get a message in my voice mail. Anyway, sweet Monika leaves a message that got me out of bed and into Melissa's room to see if she is up. Anyway we were asked to come if we wanted to Buffalo for the day and shop! who would say no? Of course I would go even if Melissa said no but she didn't and that is always a good thing. So we had to mapquest some stuff.
The night before we planned on going downtown by bus and subway and check out Queen Street and Bloor Street and whatever else, but that all crashed when we got a call that very morning. So up set get ready and get all pretty we went...off to Monika's and into her car and onto the highway. I love girl road trips. We stopped at this place to see if they had this certain kind of perfume I forget the name, it was for Monika. But we didnt succeed and then we stopped at this place to get info because the highway we were gonna take was jammed and so we had to go onto this route we had to know before hand. So screw the mapquest and off we went into the NY state smoothly. We went to the Galleria somethin place and I went and spent mo n mo money. I bought 4 shirts for 37 and that was a good deal! Loved it and I also got a body works stuff and a hoody that has a monkey on it a cute one that is...kinda looks like me when I have a pony tial and my ears stick out. But I grown to love my ears. Thank you Jesus. The girls bought stuff as well but not sure what exactly at the moment
Ya it was a great fun time and we spent a few more dollars at TARGET. I only bought chocolate there. I went over 12 when I crossed the border, but nothing was taken and I wasn't the one talkin to the immigration officer...is that what we call them? IM not sure but anyway...my time in NY state was great!! we came home safe n sound after 120km/h all the way to home. Then Melissa and I drove home from Monika's house. It was---FUN TIMES!!

thanks giving

This is one holiday I am not sure what you are specifically should be thankful for. We are grateful for families and food of course, but what else is there? Was there a specific thing we should consider? I hear Americans go full out crazy almost more than Christmas celebration in some areas. So yea, thank you God for food, home and shelter and my family even though they are thousand miles away and for friends that stick with you through thick and thin and for car and money and a watch. The motivation isn't there. I am not quite sure why I miss others, people close to me are so far away and it's not funny. It's probably knowing I'm here alone with people but it just seems I dunno. Somethin died or hmmm maybe that is a strong word, but I could almost feel like I could run away again but only for a moment. These funny feelings come and go. It's an interesting journey... And life goes on to more fun and new discoveries.

what to do and how to get there!

That was the famous line several months ago between us all members ofPuerto Rico team. We all laughed and took many pictures and tried to put puzzle pieces together as this one area seemed very alarming and distracting but anyway it ended up being us all standing for each other. Good times and sweet memories...

So you get this vision and you see how marvelous it is and how wonderful it will be and all that. And then all of a sudden it hits you and you wonder what to do and how to get there? The quest is on. So I love to soak now, but it's a matter of making time and getting up early. I have not loved/enjoyed soaking than I have right now. Im an extreme mover and somehow, God of the universe could change this because I loved my moving around and nothing could stop not even leadership. You say how aweful is that? I know, I was remorseful at one point but not anymore... hmmm I mean I think I am no longer suffering from daily runaways or withdrawals might sound more bad. Do I make sense? NOt sure but I understand what I'm tryin to say. So I say it took about a whole year for me to grasp 'soaking' and it is so refreshing and brings me to a new level of intimacy with God. Yea. It's a different approach, but I am so enjoying it and sure it may take time to have my brain calm down and rest with my body, but o how sweet it to trust in Jesus. I remember that song from church. Anyhoop, my journey is to go on further in this area and I don't have an idea of what it will be like, but I know that it brings me so much peace. I'm purty sure there is a whole lot more, but I guess that is for me to discover just like the province of Ontario.

monday nite

I really miss friends I mean my friends that are close to me and being crazy and we all join in and just get even more crazier things and it just doesnt end until we cant laugh anymore and our stomachs ache. I miss that part of life with certain relationships........
I went shopping and got me a pair of nice back pointy shoes and I got a sweet deal. Well I dont know if it to everyone, but anyway they cost 130 and add the tax and all n who knows what it would have ended up being but I used my beloved Indian status card and o what a privilege and blessing it is to be an indian. It pays well to be Indian. Anyway I added a spray of some sort of protection..you know how they are, but heck with it I thought might as well take the offer. Anyhoop it was 6 or 7 something and they entered everything in and to my surprise it was only 135 and it was supposed to be more than that. I know Im not mentally mathematical but I knew that was impossible, so I nicely told them that I do have to pay the gst and they said it was ok and today was a special for me to shop. Sweet! isn't it? Shoes and a spray for $135 tax free. So I could say being honest is very wise and pays off well. amen

reserved

I belong to someone and he belongs to me. I am so worth to be loved. It's flippin crazy how priceless I am. Where do I from here? I'm onto another new discovery............................. never ending story of this beautiful chapter that goes on from what's next? and unto more adventures. It's fascinating!